The Final Chapter in the Grand Theft Auto Fivology

By Kyle B. Stiff

Everyone’s really excited about Grand Theft Auto 5. How could they not be, considering the trailer? Three playable characters runnin’ around and raisin’ a shit storm – looks awesome, right?

grand theft auto 5

Before ya’ll get too excited, let me remind you that the Grand Theft Auto 4 trailer was also mind-blowingly awesome. Do you remember it? Scene after scene showed Nico walking away from explosions, police cars flipping out of control while Nico threw his ride into reverse and tore down the highway like he was in Drive, leaning out of a building with a sniper rifle while the building was slowly falling over on its side, even a view from a 747 cockpit with the Twin Towers looming near while Nico in the pilot’s seat slowly turned to the camera and said, “Are you ready for this, America?”


But then what happened when you started playing? Nico landed in New York with little fanfare, then his brother was like, “Can you drive me around the block?” During the boring drive Nico hinted at having an interesting experience by saying something like, “I’m about balls-deep in some bad memories about the awful war I was in,” and then his brother was like, “Yeah yeah, that’s great, listen just hit these points on the map and then we’ll call this intro stage over and done.”


Throughout the rest of the game we are invited to pick up random losers and shoot a few random losers. There were a few memorable personalities (sadly Nico wasn’t one of them). At least the game had a great ending, right? Strangely enough, most of the “end reveal” type stuff was narrated by a character who was introduced for the comedy inherent in the fact that the player could not understand what he was saying. Hearing Nico speak with his Rastafarian buddy during the final drive was more than a little strange; it would have made more sense to have Nico say, “Who was doing what? Why was going where? Wait, slow down. Okay, nevermind, I’ll just drive in silence and try to figure this shit out my damn self.”

What's going on with her upper half?! Is she going to be okay?!?

What’s going on with her upper half?! Is she going to be okay?!?

I like launching off of shit and going on a rampage as much as anyone, but for real, you guys: Excitement over a new Grand Theft Auto? Also, forgive me for the whiny rant. Normally I’m just grateful to be here. But I’ve been seeing people get excited about new Grand Theft Auto games for the past twenty years and, well… they’re not really that cool, are they?

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