By Kyle B. Stiff
Blade Runner 2049 was an amazing movie, but I don’t understand why Hollywood producers don’t understand why it didn’t make a lot in the box office. For one thing, nobody can hold their bladder for more than two hours, especially if they drank a giant Coke during the half hour of trailers and ads that played beforehand. Also every single person in America – even people who live in poverty – have giant TVs with beautiful high-definition pictures, and an audio setup that sounds better than movie theaters. Movie theaters jack up the volume so high that even a deaf motherfucker like me can hardly handle it. Who in the world wants to pay twenty dollars just to get blasted with sound while they need to pee, not to mention while they wonder if the person sitting behind them is going to pull out a gun and get their fifteen minutes of fame?
Probably what they’re going to have to do for a big film release is a pay-per-view kind of thing where people can stream it from home. That’s the only option. It’s either that or have robots that blow you while you’re in the theater. I certainly don’t want big budget movies to go away. Blade Runner 2049 hit me so hard in the feels that it was like catching a glimpse of the Almighty. It was amazing. But if Hollywood producers just keep throwing up their hands and not giving the matter a little thought, then eventually we will never see anything like Blade Runner 2049 ever again. We’ll only see Madea movies and romantic comedies. That’s all that will be available.
I just had another idea. I’m old so I remember that films, especially long ones, used to have an “intermission”. Halfway through the film, the screen would go black and music would play. You could get up, take a piss, pinch one off, have a powerful vomit, or just do whatever you needed to do so that you wouldn’t spend the last half hour bent over and holding your dick, whispering, “Don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to me!”
Maybe they could try something like that?