Alita: Battle Angel Is a Right Wing Trad Morality Play

By Kyle B. Stiff

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It’s no wonder the corporate overlords who dearly wanted us to accept Captain Marvel hated Alita so much! The story, an adaptation of a manga birthed in 1990 (practically the Reagan 80s!), shows us the dystopian hell we currently live in from the perspective of a good old-fashioned hero’s journey narrative which must be considered right wing – at least, from the modern perspective of far left extremism which has become the norm.

This one’s going to be a D*O*O*Z*I*E so please prepare yourself.

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As soon as she wakes up, it’s obvious that Alita isn’t an angry “don’t need no man” feminazi. She accepts Doctor Ido’s direction and she enjoys learning about the world she’s in. Ido, her adoptive father, represents the Patriarchy. He creates strict rules of conduct for Alita, including what she can eat and when she can leave the house. Sounds awful, right? The thing is, Doctor Ido knows the brutal truth about the world. He’s seen so many Scrapyard denizens get their heads beaten in and their limbs sold on the black market that he’s practically blackpilled and can no longer entertain any notions about the inherent goodness of humanity. But since he’s a good man with a strong spirit, knowing the truth about the world doesn’t make him bitter, it makes him generous and sympathetic to people with hard luck stories. That’s why he treats a laborer’s cyborg arm for nothing but a bag of oranges. He’s like a country doctor from the Norman Rockwell era. Of course, from the modern liberal perspective, he’s problematic (if not a Nazi) for not letting Alita live life on her terms. (Remember, from the left’s perspective, old is bad and stale, young is fresh and progressive.)

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But Alita is a strong-willed lady, and eventually she’s no longer satisfied with being Ido’s “precious little girl”. The conflict between them is interesting because Ido doesn’t understand that Alita has the sort of warrior spirit that can handle the harsh truth about the world. In fact, she was made to fight. Ido could keep chipping away at the evil that lurks in the shadows, but in the end, he’s never going to get anywhere. Why is that?

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It’s because – and write this down if you don’t know it already – men are capable of existing on the fringes, but women are the gatekeepers of the mainstream. Men can spin their wheels perfecting arguments for whatever they’re into, but without women, no movement will ever go anywhere. In terms of the contemporary culture warfare, conservative men can shitpost about liberal meltdowns and diversity malfunctions all day long, but until women start posting trad selfies on Instagram and writing blog posts about church picnics and advice for keeping anal fisting vids off of a child’s smartphone, you’re never going to hold your civilization together against endless hordes of indoctrinated diversity cultists and professors who hate their own nation. So even though it seems like a bad idea to let Alita see the truth, Ido has to trust that he’s not alone in his fight against lawlessness.

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There’s a plot point that could almost be its own story arc within an anti-feminist narrative that begins when Alita finds out women are being targeted by a serial killer. This is her bluepill moment – “Never trust men.” Then she finds out Doctor Ido goes out late at night, and comes home wounded – “Don’t even trust your own father!” Alita follows Ido and sees him stalking a woman – “A helpless victim!” Alita stops Ido from killing her – then Alita nearly chokes to death on a melon-sized redpill when she finds out the “helpless victim” is actually a member of a gang of murderers targeting Ido because they’re sick of him taking down criminals. Alita ends up in a vicious battle against a sickle-wielding, man-hating fembot, and even defends her own father. The analogy of zoomer ladies waking up to the feminist narrative kind of writes itself, it’s so obvious. It’s also worth noting that the fembot’s sickle echoes the sickle of the angel of death, the grim reaper, and the dark god Saturn worshipped by the elites, as well as the hammer and sickle of Communism, as well as the crescent of Islam. Hmm… that’s weird, it’s almost like symbols reveal truth, and our arch-nemesis always carries a sickle.

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Alita demolishes her opponents and saves Ido. So while Alita is a strong female, and it might seem weird that this movie wasn’t pushed by the left, just remember that it isn’t really “strong females” that feminists or lefties want to see in film. They want to see women beating the shit out of men (who are all rapists) while wearing sunglasses and showing no emotion except cold fury. Alita is far too warm-hearted to exist within a feminist framework. She likes her neighborhood and her dad and eating food for the first time. She’s emotionally stable rather than broken or dead inside. When compared to Captain Marvel’s “Karen who wants to speak to the manager” personality, it’s night and day. This story comes from a bygone era, continuing sci-fi’s long tradition of showing strong females, but without the gender studies course in victimization.

In fact, near the end of the film when Alita’s problems are piling on top of her, Ido tells her, “Never feel sorry for yourself.”

Talk about anti-feminist! Um, isn’t, like, figuring out how you’re a victim kind of the whole point?!

 

THE SAD TALE OF HUGO

Now we’ve got to talk about Hugo. Hugo may seem like a Chad who’s smooth with the ladies and knows all the cool joints, but the key to understanding him is knowing that he has ingested a toxic dose of bluepills. His sad fate is imminent and unavoidable. His character is perfectly laid out in the scene in which he takes Alita on top of a building. “Look at that view,” he says. Alita looks out over the entire Scrapyard, which is a total dump, really, but she says, “Wow! Really cool!” Hugo then corrects her by saying, “No, look. THAT view,” then points out Zalem (I think that’s what it was called in the film version). Zalem is a floating city where the unseen rulers of the Scrapyard dwell. It’s assumed that they live lives of ease and plenty, far above the petty squabbles of the earth. Hugo desperately wants a new life in the floating city, whereas Alita is capable of seeing the mess of the real world and accepting it as it is.

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Hugo wants a better life, but one of life’s most important lessons is that there is no such thing as a “better life”. Accepting the world as it is, even though it’s imperfect, is the essence of what is called the redpill. History has shown us time and again that you can never “immanentize the eschaton” or create heaven on earth, as it always ends in misery and death. Historical examples include every Communist revolution.

Hugo’s state of mind is the unfortunate result of liberal indoctrination. “You going to live by his rules, or yours?” he asks Alita, challenging her to throw off Ido’s shackles and live in a state of absolute (and unrealistic) freedom. Also look at his scrimmage sportsball game in which men and women play together. His game results in men constantly dunking on women, yet he is somehow oblivious to this frequent occurrence. Perhaps he believes that all men and women are interchangeable athletic units that can be mixed and matched without limit?

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Hugo is the ubiquitous lefty “useful idiot” you see so often defending the very people who want to enslave or even kill him – which would be Vector in this story. Vector is the liberal elite handing out dreams of a better world as he works toward monopolizing all wealth under his control. Vector is the reason “useful idiots” ends up scratching their head when every Communist revolution results in brutal dictatorships where wealth is controlled by those at the very top while those at the middle and bottom get to live in a police state or in death camps that will later be hidden by mainstream media and lefty academia.

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However – Hugo is not a bad person! This is very, very important to understand. Conservatives spend way too much time arguing with liberals who are notorious for being unable to defend their views outside of the academic bubble. Twitter and YouTube are great examples of mainstream liberals backed by corporate powers pushing goofball opinions, only to be mocked ruthlessly by right-wingers and even just unindoctrinated moderates, who then have to be censored or de-platformed in order to stop any counterargument. It’s easy to get angry with the powers-that-be, but in some sense it’s intensely cruel to argue with liberals who actually need to be protected, not beaten. They’re not the enemy. In fact, like Hugo, they never had a chance!

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It’s interesting to note that when Hugo is being hunted, he runs to a church. Hugo runs to the thing that represents shelter, sanctuary… actually the pillar of civilization (sorry atheists, it’s true, even if the turbodweebs in lab coats disagree). Once Hugo is in church, he’s no longer the strutting “ehhhh who makin da rules aroun here” tough guy, but a remorseful, lost soul who finally realizes he is imperfect – that is, sinful. He stops telling himself a bullshit story about how great everything is going to be (at least for now) and is finally honest about what he really is. And since Alita doesn’t live inside a manufactured bubble, but is in touch with the harsh nature of reality, she is able to accept him as he is.

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Now, this may be a stretch (as if the rest of this piece isn’t a stretch), but when Zapan puts Alita in a situation in which she has to kill Hugo, it’s a perfect example of conservatives letting themselves be controlled by corporate interests. Zapan fools her into doing the equivalent of directing her anger at indoctrinated liberals rather than globalist corporations and international players who hate independent nations (especially America). Of course nobody except the people at the very top give a damn about the GDP, but modern American conservatives have found themselves in the odd situation in which they support giant corporations – and guess what, those giant corporations support open borders, importing cheap foreign labor, even abortions on a mass scale for the selling of organs and tissue. It’s always odd to see conservatives fighting for corporate rights, but then again, maybe it’s not that odd because I guess I used to be one of those guys. In this scene, Zapan is nothing but a corporate whore. He’s a narcissist (“My face!”) who doesn’t give a damn about anyone’s life, but he has Alita in a moral bind; he perverts her natural aggression, which should be directed at true evil, by directing it at poor dumb Hugo.

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But once they get Hugo under control (sort of), Doctor Ido once again writes a prescription for redpills. He says, “Vector was running a scam. If you’re born on the ground, you stay on the ground.” Turns out there’s no way out of the Scrapyard (the real world). In terms of our world, Doctor Ido is saying that instead of dreaming of a world in which you kill the rich and plunder their money, and whooooops also destroy your own nation in the process, it’s better to live a good life, take care of your family, stay connected to your people, and protect your borders. Be careful of stupid ideologies that make you hate yourself or your nation, no matter who is selling the ideology.

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I don’t want to dwell on Hugo’s fate, but he definitely experiences a post-Presidential election meltdown when he’s walking along the supply tube. It’s important to note that he was given a robot body because his head was disconnected from his body – meaning he was too much in his own head, and was fatally disconnected from reality. Such a shame! It’s really a grim reminder that instead of sitting back and laughing at these people on social media, we actually need to save them from the mind virus that makes them worship Zalem rather than connect with the Scrapyard of reality.

Ah, before I end my rant on Hugo, I have to point out the funniest part of the movie. One of the girls in Hugo’s crew asks her friend why he doesn’t like Alita. He says that she was a member of URM, a wielder of the deadly Panzer Kunst… basically a Martian space Nazi! In fact, wasn’t she sent to kill them?!? The girl’s redpilled response?

“Yeah, like three hundred years ago. Get over it!”

Imagine… a Hollywood film actually ridiculing the left’s eternal boogeyman, which they think is still out there, just waiting for the opportunity to get them!

 

THE HUNTER-WARRIORS

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“Before the Fall, there were police to stop criminals. Now the Factory pays us to do the dirty work.” Ido reveals the truth about the lawlessness thriving in the Scrapyard. This is the logical conclusion of the anti-police narrative that we are bombarded with daily: Mercenary thugs without any moral compunction are brought in and paid to stomp anything that doesn’t benefit the corporate overlords. Remember, the anti-police narrative doesn’t come out of a vacuum; it’s packaged for your consumption with an end goal in mind. Eventually a powerful corporation will step in with its own solution, and a population of bugmen will support it because they don’t understand the brutal reality of the streets and the necessity of violence.

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Note that in the Scrapyard, guns are illegal. In a lefty sci-fi story, making guns illegal would result in a utopian Star Trek future. In our right wing Alita tale, firearm monopolization creates an environment in which the strong prey on the weak with impunity. This is of course common sense to anyone who hasn’t been indoctrinated. Guns aren’t targeted by the elite because they want to reduce crime, they’re targeted because a corrupt ruling class always fears an uprising. In Alita’s world, Zapan and the other super-powered cyborgs who serve corporate interests use hand-to-hand weapons. Remember, only the strong can use hand-to-hand weapons. They aren’t for people like you – peasants and common laborers. Guns are an interesting thing, like divine tools of holy empowerment that even the weak can use them to defend themselves. From that perspective, why in the world would bad guys want you to have them?

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There’s an interesting and sad scene where Alita tries to unite the hunter-warriors against a common foe. In the past, hunter-warrior types would have been drawn into the military and turned into team-players fighting on behalf of their nation, but in the dystopian Scrapyard, these rough guardians have become corporate whores who won’t do anything unless there’s money involved. There’s no unity, as they’ve been atomized. They are essentially “rugged individualists” disconnected from their own people. One could make the argument that they’re analogous to modern Republicans – they’re tough and their genes are functional, they’re natural survivors, but at the end of the day they serve Israel rather than their own community.

 

DOCTOR NOVA AND THE CULT OF THE WATCHERS

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For anyone who isn’t completely oblivious, there’s a blackmail cult running the human farm we live in, and one of its main symbols is an eye inside a pyramid. You see it all the time in movies and music videos, and it pops up more frequently every day. The arrest of Epstein, the fall of NXIVM, and all the “pizza” enthusiasts cleaning up their Twitter profiles and pushing the big tech left to squash pizza-related conversations on YouTube only makes it more and more obvious, but still, I guess at this point you either see it or you don’t. There’s a chunk of our Alita story that focuses on this, so if this next segment stretches your credulity, let’s just say that *some people* believe in this conspiracy, therefore, it has at least some symbolic merit.

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The villain behind all villains is Doctor Nova. Ido calls Nova “the watcher behind the eyes.” This is of course a direct reference to the all-seeing eye of the ancient death cult that has the world in its grip, and no, I’m not referring to the movie. Only conservatives tend to see this stuff, so it’s appropriate that our right-leaning tale has the all-seeing Eye omnipresent in the background. (The same goes for Lord of the Rings, another right wing tale which features the Eye of Sauron.) Note that Doctor Nova is capable of “possessing” those who have submitted to him, which is a direct reference to demonic or spiritual possession.

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Did you notice that even Alita wears a t-shirt with a triangle that has another tiny, off-center triangle inside of it? This could be a reference to the swirl or hypnotic spiral inside of a triangle, used by pedophiles and pizza enthusiasts to signal to one another (according to the FBI), or the shape could be construed as an eye within a pyramid, or it could be both. It may seem strange that our good-hearted hero Alita would wear a shirt like this, but note that she wears it when she’s listening to Hugo talk about his delusional dreams of getting into a better world. Hugo is effectively hypnotizing Alita and, since our story is right wing, that means it operates from the perspective that *no one is without sin*. This scene shows that anyone can be fooled by the ancient death cult before they wake up – even a hero!

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Vector, a figurehead of both the Factory and the black market, serves Doctor Nova, but Chiren, Ido’s ex-wife and former citizen of Zalem, also serves him. She has an interesting story arc. Vector tempts Chiren with a vision of a perfect world, and all she has to do in return is create monsters. She’s desperate to return to Zalem, so she submits. She later grows a conscience and lets Alita live, and when Vector (or Nova) asks her why, she says, “Because I’m a doctor (meaning: she preserves life), and a mother. Somehow I forgot that.” Remembering is the key to unraveling the lies of greedy psychopaths like Vector who serve Doctor Nova, because they always want you to forget who you are. Vector tries one more time to draw her into the dream of a better world, and she says, “What I want… it isn’t up there.” BAM! Just like that, she gives up on the foolish dream of a world without pain and struggle. This is the thing that all Commies struggle with. They just can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that you can’t make heaven on earth without hurting a lot of people. You can only try your best to live a good and moral life within the confines of reality (which is the Scrapyard in our tale).

 

ALITA’S STRENGTH COMES FROM THE PAST, NOT THE FUTURE

Alita has a special heart enhanced by technology from a bygone era, making it strong enough to power an entire city, according to Doctor Ido. Such technology can no longer be duplicated. Alita’s heart is strong because it was made before the Fall, that is, before corporate powers and the cult of diversity took over and turned civilization into a third-world shithole. What this means is that Alita’s strength comes from the past, from her history, which is the thing that right-wingers are so obsessed with discovering, and that left-wing types hate.

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It’s the difference between trying to remember or preserve history versus constructing history as you want it. Not only does Alita discover the Berserker body (the weapon of her people) inside a forgotten ship, but eventually she even retrieves her true self from the past. That is, of course, the only way to discover your true self: Not by daydreaming about a perfect self fit for a utopian future, but by taking an honest look at the path that formed you, warts and all. Culturally, understanding doesn’t come from tearing down statues and historical landmarks, but from studying why and how those landmarks were made – and not necessarily from the judgmental perspective of assumed superiority.

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But, back to Alita’s heart, and Ido’s assertion that it could provide power for the entire city. This means that as long as a person’s emotional center is in the right place, then they can uphold the foundation of civilization. Just as culture is made up of symbols, civilization is made up of its people’s emotional balance. If that emotional center is destroyed, then your people are fragmented, and you’re left with bugmen who can be manipulated, made to hate themselves, and made to hate their nation or even civilization in general. Just think back to how many indoctrinated people you’ve heard say they wish civilization would fall so that “something better can come out of it.” I’ve heard this from many people, which is odd, because when you take a look at history, “something better” doesn’t come out of the ruins of fallen civilizations.

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Also note how head-oriented Doctor Nova is. After Doctor Ido points out the remarkable power of Alita’s heart, the scene is immediately followed by one in which Doctor Nova says that Alita’s power is in her mind. Of course it’s a common position to stand in awe of the human mind, and this comes from both the right and the left, but ultimately I think Ido is right. A mind can be tricked, deluded, even indoctrinated. Emotions simply are, and nations rise or fall depending on their emotional centers. Also note the pride liberals feel regarding their academic degrees – it’s all head-oriented.

Regarding history, the basic left/right split is: Either turn the world into what you want it to be (the left) versus seeing the bitter truths about the world and accepting things as they are (the right). The left’s focus on turning the world into what they want it to be is why they talk about “progress” and frequently mention the “current year” as if they are on a timetable, and they expect cultural changes to stay on schedule. The right’s focus on seeing things as they are, including the flaws in human nature, is why they often mention taking the “redpill” and calling people “sheeple” for not waking up to reality, and why they obsess over untangling the threads of history to understand the modern era. 

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CONCLUSION

Alita: Battle Angel is a breath of fresh air after the past few years of Hollywood force-feeding us a lefty stew of Things We Must Believe, including superhuman Karens who will curb stomp any man who dares stand between her and the manager. But this film isn’t perfect. Other than the main characters, the costume design is freaking awful. There are people dressed up like you or me walking around in the Scrapyard five hundred years from now. How is that possible? Unfortunately we may see more “budget” costume design as Hollywood is forced to tighten its belt. People aren’t going to the movies anymore, so the trend of making movies bigger and bolder with each passing year may be at an end. Of course, Hollywood could turn the money-printing machine back on any time they want, but they would have to give up on the weird lefty shit that they’re obsessed with. And that’s not going to happen!

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And keep in mind, all of the right-leaning stuff in this film is completely accidental. I guarantee you that everyone on set considered suicide on the fateful night of the presidential election. Even though the Scrapyard is a dump of violent diversity, where people would inevitably form ethnic enclaves that don’t communicate with one another except through force, the Alita movie tries to show people smiling and enjoying themselves. Even though the story is inherently right wing, it was still made within the milieu of left wing Hollywood where forced diversity is worshipped and entire civilizations are gleefully sacrificed on the altar of progress *just because*.

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Even though Alita: Battle Angel has taken heat because it has actual fans (rather than the fans and reviews manufactured for the benefit of Captain Marvel), it’s interesting to note that Blade Runner 2049 was way more right-leaning (again, most likely by accident) and yet it hasn’t been targeted by the thoughtpolice. Rather than a multicultural dump filled with smiling faces, Blade Runner 2049 (jokingly referred to as Pol: The Movie) depicted a world in which a social outcast straight white male was heckled as he made his way through a gauntlet of diversity. He worked to uphold civilization and was hated for it. His wife was so trad, she wasn’t even real. He obsessively pieced together his past, often looking like a complete conspiracy nut. He even got into a testosterone-fueled fist-fight with his “dad”!

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Still, mainstream media hasn’t done any hit pieces on Blade Runner 2049’s right-leaning narrative because it wasn’t released at the same time as Captain Marvel, thus it did not challenge the diversity narrative by getting in the way of its revenue.

 

BONUS MATERIAL: ONE LAST WILD IDEA

Actually, I’ve remained level-headed throughout this piece (right?), but I just had a wild idea that may or may not be true. I want to throw it out there just to see if I can get a reaction. The idea is: All stories about time travel are inherently left-leaning (because you’re editing the past in order to control the future), and all stories about amnesia are inherently right-leaning (because you’re piecing together historical truth, identity, and even the threads of a conspiracy theory).

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Star Trek and Harry Potter, both extremely lefty, contain plenty of time travel. I wouldn’t have thought that Back to the Future was lefty until recently, when I went back to watch the second one, and was shocked to see Biff Tannen as a stand-in for President Trump turning America into some kind of gun-slinging warzone where a teacher is hunted like an animal – a liberal fever dream based on histrionic fear of authority.

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As for conservative stories of amnesia, other than Alita, off the top of my head there’s Memento, about a man’s quest for revenge against the person who destroyed his family (which includes crime, family, conspiracy, and bloody justice – all right-leaning themes), and he has to face the awful truth about himself (he is flawed, which is also a very conservative theme). There’s Silent Hill 2, a video game about a man trying to put his family back together and has to come to terms with the fact that he destroyed his own family (history, family, the bitter truth – all conservative themes). There’s also Robocop, about a family man and normal-cop who becomes a robo-cop after he is killed and resurrected (!!!) and puts together the pieces of his past by blowing away criminals. The story isn’t friendly to the free market, but then again, not every conservative is a corporate whore.

Am I completely crazy with this idea? I can’t think of any story that destroys the pattern!

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Jim Jarmusch’s The Dead Don’t Die: When We Lose Our Fighting Spirit

By Kyle B. Stiff

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“This will end badly.” Like a demoralizing MK ULTRA program on repeat, we hear, “This will end badly, this will end badly,” over and over again, as if we are being prepared for our ultimate role as livestock in the hands of soulless monsters. This is The Dead Don’t Die, a low-energy, testosterone-deficient story that could have only come from the modern virtue-signaling mecca that is Hollywood. There’s going to be lots of spoilers, but I wouldn’t worry about that. In fact, I’ll go ahead and give away the ending so we can get that out of the way: The police officers who represent the protectors of civilization sit on their asses and do nothing, then they let themselves get surrounded and killed, thus ending their existential dread.

My friends and I speculated on whether the story was supposed to be a demoralizing psy-op (“This will end badly!”) normalizing the idea of the world falling apart, or whether Jarmusch was playing the “long game” by showing the viewer how absolutely castrated and soulless you would have to be to choose inaction while zombies eat your civilization. I tend to think Jarmusch was bitten and the great mind virus of our time took root in his mind; if he lives in Hollywood, how could he be anything but a casualty?

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The wild man of the forest is a great example of the soy-induced philosophy that runs through the story. The wild man knows how to use guns and hunt, and he has the sort of independent and combative nature that can keep a person alive in tough situations. If this movie had been made a few years ago, the job of his archetype would be to find the pussified urbanites and remind them what it’s like to fight to survive. While the bugmen were screaming at their phones, he would have knocked the phones out of their hands and told them to get weapons and ammo and secure their turf.

The wild man did not do that. In fact he spent most of his time angry at someone wearing a red “Keep America White Again” hat (get it guys??? get it???????). We find out in the end that not only did the wild man steal a chicken from the scowling MAGAman (a farmer who feeds people), but when MAGAman gets eaten, the wild man says, “Payback time!” Which is really odd when you think about it. What is he getting payback for? And are we supposed to believe that some libtard has spent his life living in the wilderness, shaking his head and pissed off because the #Resistance hasn’t destroyed the Patriarchy yet, or made vaccines mandatory and abortions free, and is ashamed that he lives in a nation with borders? “God dammit I can’t enjoy the untarnished beauty of nature when I think about all the Mexicans forced to live in Mexico! I need them over here… NOW!!!” All liberal ideas are inherently urban and come from The Machine rather than The Land. So did this guy have a smartphone in his handmade tent in the woods so CNN could keep him up to date on who he’s supposed to hate? As ridiculous as it sounds, I think this goes beyond comedy and reveals the sort of lack of self-awareness that is becoming increasingly common in Hollywood, that is, it shows that they think the stuff they believe in is some kind of “common sense” that people all over the world believe in, at least to some degree.

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I need to mention the alien lady. She’s interesting because she’s the only character who has any kind of agency or potency; she kills zombies with lethal precision. Her part in the story is odd. She gets the main characters off their asses, at least for a few minutes, then “phones home”, then hops in a UFO and flies away. I don’t like to be the kind of person who sees something odd in a story and says, “omg that’s so random!” because I don’t think a project that passes through that many hands really has too many “random” elements. The alien lady meant something to someone working on this project. One idea I’ve had is that the alien lady’s flight represents God abandoning the human species. She could have easily killed all the zombies, and maybe even had a good time doing it, but she chose not to.

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Another thing she might represent, and this is going to sound pretty whackadoo, but she might represent actual aliens. Some people have theorized that our progenitors, the creatures who actually made us, are still here, enjoying themselves and sometimes fighting proxy wars through us, their creations. This might sound crazy, but when you think about it, it’s also pretty weird that you’re a collection of cells all cooperating with each other just so you can play video games, walk in place on a treadmill, and make poop that you squeeze into a chair full of water. When you really give it a big think, the fact that you can do all that is like ten thousand times stranger than the idea that aliens live in upscale neighborhoods and protect their privacy with advanced mind control camouflage techniques. But anyway, long story short, I couldn’t help but wonder if the alien lady’s departure actually represents a coming apocalyptic era when the benevolent creatures who made us finally say, “Fuck it, we’re leaving, you can live in a reptilian slave pit if that’s what you really want!”

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(Edit: I just realized what she represents. The alien lady represents the “elites” who think they’re going to isolate themselves and let the rest of us die when their apocalyptic prophecy about global warming occurs in accordance with their enviro-religion. While everyone else in the story sat around doing nothing (peasants), she took action (nobility). She was played as an alien because some of the “elites” who rule the world consider themselves to be descended from aliens. It’s a part of their own special belief system. I’m not going to comment on whether or not it’s true, that’s just their belief. But I’m leaving my earlier weak theorizing unedited because sometimes I like to go back and look at the process.)

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Looking back on it, I’m wondering if Jarmusch made this one for the critics. I remember seeing one of the newer Romero movies a few years ago… I think it was Diary of the Dead. In the ending, a bunch of rednecks hang some zombies and then have a party while shooting rounds into them. I remember reading a castrated reviewer moaning about the final shot being a nightmarish vision of humanity. I was so confused… didn’t the good guys win, and their prize was that they got to use the bad guys for target practice? That’s a good thing, right? Ah, but I was looking at it from the perspective that humans are good! If you hate your species and view them through the lens of resentment, then the idea that they would delight in crushing their enemies would of course be a bad thing!

So, without looking into it, I’m guessing there might be some critics who enjoyed The Dead Don’t Die. It has a lot of star power, and I know they like that. They also might think it’s amusing that people will do nothing but sit and wait to be eaten by slow-moving zombies. Maybe this is my own personal zombie apocalypse: To wake up to a world so devoid of the will to live that bugmen will double over with laughter at a “Keep America White Again” hat but their heart rate won’t go up when they are given a glimpse of their people in the hands of the reanimated dead.

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I’m not a testosterone-fueled alpha male who likes doing donuts in yards just to let everyone know who’s running the show. I like quiet evenings at home. I have a collection of fancy tea (I’m not kidding) and I spend an inordinate amount of time brushing my cat and making sure that he’s comfortable (sadly, still not joking). But the idea that zombies or any kind of violent abomination might invade human territory and slow down civilization, much less eat people, makes me want to go on a rampage. And not necessarily out of anger, either, but maybe even as a joyful act. I don’t know if that’s a normal human impulse or if some people are just wired to be a part of the “immune system”.

But that’s why I think The Dead Don’t Die wasn’t actually a comedy. It was the most intense horror flick of our time. It shows us what we have to look forward to if our spirit remains asleep!

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The Lion King Is Politically Problematic!

By Kyle B. Stiff

 

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Uh oh guys, looks like the right-wing fascists at Disney are set to release a remake of The Lion King, a tale of authoritarian goose-stepping that would surely be seen as problematic to the left-wing saints gently guiding us toward utopia. In the interest of guilt-tripping everyone, I thought it might be fun to take a look at the original version of The Lion King from the perspective of the modern culture war.

The Lion King begins with a celebration of the hierarchy. Every animal species has their place in the circle of life, and the animals who are willing to submit to the hierarchy are incredibly happy. The land is fertile and green because everyone is doing what they were born to do. The elephants are stomping around and making that weird wet trumpet sound, the mice are hippety hoppeting and trying not to get squished, the ostriches are being dumb and not even attempting to fly – all is right with the world.

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It feels nice to think about the circle of life, but of course, there’s an animal at the “top” of the circle, so savvy veiwers will note that it’s more of a pyramid than a circle. Mufasa is king and he’s got a rack of ho’s tending to his business. He’s the king because his genes are absolutely incredible. He has the chin, the power, the lush mane, but he’s also a “stable genius” who never has a nervous breakdown, always wakes up early and clocks out late, and doesn’t screw over one animal to make friends with another. He is in charge, and rightly so. He’s not a tyrant, but nature chose him to be on top. This is a tough pill to swallow for the egalitarian mindset, especially since most of Mufasa’s good qualities weren’t really earned, but were given by nature. Can we rationalize why nature chose him to be king? No, that’s just how it is. Sorry, equality enthusiasts!

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The cycle continues with Simba. He’s just a dumb baby at the beginning of the story, but he’s being cheered simply for existing. This public spectacle is the very thing that drives people like Scar nuts… why shouldn’t people be cheering for him instead of Simba?! Hasn’t he suffered enough to earn a little applause?! Dealing with resentment is a big struggle in the life of every living thing. Those who allow the resentment to fester in their heart eventually succumb to a form of possession. Their souls are mutilated (thus the name “Scar”) and they cease to be beautiful. On the other hand, those who submit to the whims of nature, like the animals in our opening scene, get to sing and take part in the grand tapestry of civilization and the big story we are all working together to write and play in. Some of us will have big roles, but most of us will have small roles. If you can accept that, then the birth of Simba and the promise that a good life in a good land will continue will truly be something to celebrate.

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Unfortunately we soon find out that Simba doesn’t really understand what it means to rule. He’s the sort of person who thinks that ancient kings used to sit around and shout orders while being served heaps of food and fine wine; the reality is that leaders shoulder a burden that would crush normal people. Most of us would do anything to wiggle out of accepting responsibility. It’s absolutely terrifying. Simba thinks he’s going to continue to be adored just for existing, and in his very first song, he gets everyone dancing just to have them all pile up on top of each other and fall over like some kind of literal pyramid collapsing under its own weight. The kids in the audience are laughing but it’s ominous as hell.

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Things get even worse when Simba tries to throw his weight around in territory outside of the hierarchy. Note that just because you have a powerful hierarchy with a rigid social structure, does not mean that that structure rules perfectly everywhere. There are always areas for societal dropouts and fuckups to hang out and torment one another with their hard luck stories, an “underworld” of decay filled with the screams of the emotionally unstable.

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This is where Scar hangs out. Even though he’s a lion and occupies a high station, it’s still not enough for him. He wants to be praised for being the best, but since he isn’t the best, he has to buddy up with a bunch of scavengers and promise them the world. Free this, free that, oh, and also… revenge against those assholes who didn’t give you all the free stuff you deserve!

Scar pulls some strings and Mufasa gets trampled by the mainstream media. Simba must live in shame and Scar, being unable to win votes on his own merits, opens the borders and lets in the hyenas, thus creating a reliable voting bloc. Hyenas will always vote for Scar. The hyenas have no place in the hierarchy because they have no long-term stake in the realm. They live on decay and short-term gain. Why not loot the economy? They could have nothin’ right now, or they could have SOMETHIN’ right now. Makes sense!

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Scar gets Simba to forget who he is, or rather, what he’s supposed to be doing with his time. Simba becomes the jungle equivalent of a stoner blasting fools on Xbox with a frozen burrito thawing on a table cluttered with empty Monster cans and a surprisingly well-thought-out collection of vape pens and flavors for his e-cig habit. He’s fallen off the hierarchy and has achieved ultimate freedom. He’s a consumer, the final genetic stop in a long line of ancestors who fought to survive so that Simba, the last of his kind, could ragequit a Soulsborne game and stalk Nala on instagram. He lives in a dark pit of shame but he buries the rage by (quite rationally) pointing out how great the world is; there are plenty of bugs to eat, so why worry? Never mind that he’s a nervous, anxious wreck… that’s probably just some genetic thing, right? Surely it can’t be helped, right???

Simba eats bugs; he’s the very definition of a bugman. And Scar would have gotten away with it, too… if it wasn’t for Rafiki!

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Rafiki is the jungle equivalent of someone who keeps a constant rotation of Alex Jones episodes playing in the background while browsing articles about what the Great Pyramids of Giza were REALLY made for (impossible not to click because there’s a pic of Nikola Tesla looking real smug). Rafiki lives alone; why would he not? He’s intense, he talks to himself, he mixes herbs with his colloidal silver tonic, he has giant plastic jugs full of rice in the basement, and he’s extremely opinionated regarding his conceal carry technique (and if you’re an officer of the law who stops to ask about his open carry, believe me Rafiki KNOWS HIS RIGHTS and THEY WILL NOT BE INFRINGED).

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The thing about Rafiki is, as crazy as he looks, he was actually made to occupy one of those non-corporate public servant positions that calls for unyielding moral rectitude and the ablility to fearlessly give advice to those who typically aren’t open to criticism. His mind can go anywhere; he can talk about military or legal matters one minute and aliens or zero-point energy the next. He will never be uncomfortable no matter the subject, and is invaluable for a real king to have on his side.

That’s also why he’s perfect for radicalizing Simba.

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Simba had to get his ass beat by a girl to realize he’s not a man, and that set him on the path to listening to Rafiki’s twelve-part YouTube series (right before it was taken down) on What REALLY Happened to Mufasa (Unbelievable Disclosure!!). Halfway through the series Simba realized the things he used to think were extreme now make total sense. When the hierarchy breaks down, only force matters. Simba sees his father and all his noble ancestors smiling down on him from the heavens as he repeats that there comes a time when the tree of liberty must be watered with blood (or however the saying goes). He arms himself and goes on the offensive.

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Now that his eyes have been opened, Simba sees the truth about his home. It is an absolute dump, full of foreigners working in black market economies. The female lions either work as prostitutes or cower in their caves, afraid to walk the streets and become a statistic. People don’t like to talk about it, but the once peaceful realm has somehow become the rape capital of the savannah. Honor killings are common. Zazu, once an upright public figure, has been reduced to virtue signaling on Twitter to the applause of a bunch of blue checkmark hyenas.

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In the end, Scar is devoured by his own constituency, and Simba reclaims his dump of a home. There are no cheers for the new king as he ascends to a throne overlooking a wasteland filled with hunger and despair. There may be no applause, but at least there are roars. The people cry out, again and again, roaring like animals, silenced and shadowbanned for so long that all they can do is roar and rage and hope that future generations won’t make the same stupid mistakes.

You Will Never Be a God

By Kyle B. Stiff

 

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There’s a common idea in occult circles, and since it’s in occult circles then it’s also a part of pop culture. The idea is over-the-top goofy, but it’s been around long enough for the controversy to wear off, and it’s now more or less accepted. I used to believe it myself, until I had a few epiphanies off the beaten path. You’ve probably already guessed it, but the idea is that you can become a god.

You will never be a god. In fact, thanks to the Dunning-Kruger Effect, the further you are from godhood is directly proportional to how amazing you think you are. The trick isn’t to become a god, the trick is to accept being human, and to respect your limits.

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Imagine the life of the being who either made this universe and all other universes, or at least made it possible for other beings to make this universe and all other universes. This being has a consciousness that all other minds are mere reflections of, or like crude sketches based on real life. This being was not born in a family and does not belong to a nation, otherwise it would have godlike beings stationed above it. No, the being we’re talking about is the ultimate.

Imagine the loneliness of such a being. Loneliness, and in fact any emotion, can be felt to the degree that the feeler has the necessary complication to feel it. The feeling that you call loneliness is only a shadow cast by what this being is capable of feeling. You even tell yourself that you feel lonely while you are hemmed in by others of your own kind – imagine if there were no others of your own kind, and never were, and never will be!

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Boredom is also felt by this being. The fact that this universe exists is proof that such a being must feel profound boredom and crave novelty. We are even granted free will so that we won’t all line up and endlessly salute this superior being’s superiority to us. We can do whatever we want in this sandbox. We can even curse the day that we were created, if that’s what we want to do.

All this is to say that the only reason we exist is to end the boredom and loneliness felt by God. It’s not our destiny to become gods any more than it’s the destiny of ants to create spaceships. No house cat will ever write a book, no rapper will ever be as magnificent as the character they imagine when they’re making rhymes, and you will never collect enough occult Get Powerful Quick books to become a god.

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I think the lesson is to be humble. If you have any creativity, then use it. It’s not yours – you’re only borrowing it – so use it to do things that will amuse others and hopefully break up the boredom felt by God. Don’t get a big head over the fact that you did something spanktastic. All that you have and all that you are is jury-rigged talent and a brief spark of awareness shed by something infinitely greater. Anything that is made and anything that is done can be wiped out without a moment’s notice, especially if it bores or offends the creator who makes it possible.

But also don’t be too humble. There’s a lot of vanity involved in making a big show of your own insignificance!

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My books are available HERE.

Facebook Content Moderators Live in Hell… Time to Celebrate!

By Kyle B. Stiff

I just found some pure comedy gold wandering the internets! There’s a story about the people who moderate content on facebook, and if you’ve ever wondered why your feed is relentlessly boring – it’s their fault! The story can be read HERE. It’s worth a read if you like free speech and free thought, because it turns out that the people who need their content moderated end up doing the job of moderating content (because why wouldn’t they?) and then, of course, they get traumatized because they have to look at spicy videos all day long. They’re all softies constantly on the verge of a panic attack because they saw a spicy video that they can’t handle, but they don’t see the irony in the fact that they are the people who require content to be strictly controlled. Their dumb job is their karma and they don’t even know it.

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You want to make my facebook feed boring? Good for you… you get to live in hell!

These moderators most likely believe that a normal person can accidentally see one spicy video or one spicy meme too many and then become a violent psychopath. This dumb idea is so prevalent that once you realize people believe it, you’ll spot it all the time. And the belief that people are infinitely malleable comes from the unexamined belief that people are products of their environment. We’re not. Our personality is front-loaded from the get-go and we turn our environment into a reflection of what’s going on inside of us.

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This is probably why you hear a lot of talk about how bad people are, how un-progressive they are, they’re a plague on the earth, etc. There’s a war on for your mind and we constantly disappoint those who have a controlling mentality, because you can only get people to go along with your idea of right and wrong for a short amount of time. Pull people along one way, and they’ll inevitably pull back the other way. This is endlessly frustrating for domineering do-gooders, but it’s actually one of the best things about the human species. Our impulse to stick to our true nature protects us from a nightmarish timeline in which we become the puppets of megalomaniacs for all eternity. Fortunately those timelines never last. What’s more common is that some people will get involved in a cult and everyone else will relentlessly make fun of them. Humor is a reminder to not go too far in your quest to carve an image of yourself that’s so perfect that you want to worship it. The idol always looks more goofball than you realize.

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One thing I’ve noticed about myself, and maybe it’s true for other people who are drawn to spicy videos, is an obsession with the ugly truth. The world can be pretty horrifying and I guess it kind of makes sense to create a cushion, and hell I like to be comforted too, but I hate the feeling that I’m being lied to or that I’m not allowed to sit at the Big Boys’ Table because I’m too weak to handle the scary ideas. I want to know the scary things. It’s a lot healthier to watch a spicy video about a shooting over a mattress left in an alley, or even the awful execution of those two poor Scandinavian girls in Morocco than it is not knowing how violent the world can be. Life is rough and it’s good to be reminded of that, even if from a safe distance.

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Another thing about spicy videos. I think the people who want to limit the public’s access to spicy videos have a bizarre fear that people actually enjoy them. Maybe some sick fucks genuinely enjoy them, maybe they pop some popcorn and get cozy on the couch while watching Haitian Machete Execution Compilation #7: The Un-Legging Edition, but for most people who are drawn to spicy videos, it’s more of a nauseating fascination. You watch it once, you get the gist of it, you learn the lesson, and then you never need to see it again.

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But these poor dingalings in the article, they’re so sensitive that spicy videos end up battering their consciousness and shredding their auras. The freak-out incidents alone make the article worth reading, with people threatening each other in the parking lot or having sex in the bathroom because reasons. It would be sad if they were doing something good for humanity, making sacrifices for others, etc, but since you know they think the human mind is a bonsai tree and it’s their job to prune it and shape it, it leads to a lot of unintentional comedy. They don’t have a hunger for truth, but rather, an intense desire for comfort.

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Notice that the writer of the article never questions whether social media needs to be censored, he just plays his sad violin over the office stooges who have to do the censoring. “Won’t you think of the poor censors?” he seems to ask. This attitude is increasingly common among journalists – a lack of self-awareness regarding how deeply enmeshed they are in their own worldview. He doesn’t understand that nobody gives a fwack about somebody getting paid to silence you in order to bolster the illusion that you live in a safe and progressive world, and anyone who says otherwise is a regressive meany who like totally needs to shut up already (omg)! The writer of this piece is the sort of bugman who would have absolutely no qualms with living in a world in which an “elite” class, or even an AI, controlled all of our outlets of free speech, scrubbing everything clean and making sure nobody is ever offended or sees something that challenges their belief in a world without sharp edges, and of course doxxing and non-personing anyone who doesn’t want Earth to become… well, what every place becomes when people with good intentions gain power! (Hint: It rhymes with “third-world shithole.”)

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Journalists don’t like the “learn to code” meme, but if they keep believing that everyone but them should be censored, then pretty soon the “learn to code” meme is going to be upgraded to “learn to suicide”!

Alternative Ideas for the New Star Wars Trilogy

By Kyle B. Stiff

There have already been over one billion blog posts and YouTube vids in which big-brained types have methodically broken down what’s wrong with the new Star Wars movies. The world doesn’t need another in-depth analysis, so I won’t do that… but then again, what about some bullshit brainstorming about how the story could have gone differently? So that’s what this piece is about.

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NEW ORDER

I’m not the first person to be confused about what the New Order even is, and why the battle at the end of Return of the Jedi seemingly had no effect on the galaxy. Did the Rebels forget to set up their Republic once again, and just remained guerilla fighters because they’d gotten used to it? And if the total defeat of the Imperials, including the loss of their leaders, their superweapon, and most of their big ships, really affected them so little, then shouldn’t they be acknowledged as the rightful rulers of the galaxy?

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In any case, I think it would be interesting if the storyline reflected the times we live in now. The Rebels should have remade the Republic, but then their leaders should have inexplicably gone insane and spread propaganda about Imperials being everywhere. Anyone not on board with the new rulers would be declared “literally an Imperial stormtrooper” and been censored, thrown out of their job, doxxed, and un-personed. They could post images of Darth Vader on every planet, convinced that he somehow still lived, or was magically influencing people who were not progressive Rebels. While the Empire was anti-alien, the New Republic could move aliens onto human worlds in order to combat perceived anti-alien prejudice. The human leaders of the New Republic could even undergo surgery to make themselves look more alien, slowly turning into abominations that were neither human nor alien.

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In this situation, instead of Luke turning into a titty-sucking cynic, we could have seen Leia become a villain. Lots of people have already noticed that extreme progressive views destroy beauty, so it would be interesting to see Leia, the beautiful space princess of the original trilogy, turn into a surgically modified proto-alien monstrosity. Her brother Luke, on the other hand, instead of running away because he almost killed a kid who was having a bad dream, would instead run away simply because he saw the horrible effect of everyone’s mind being controlled by something he didn’t understand, and he was genuinely afraid that his own mind would be consumed as well. Imagine a monk choosing to live far from civilization because he doesn’t understand the benefits of Antifa or Gillette ads or why the green piggy guards from Jabba’s Palace were being pushed into human resources positions in the New Republic. Remember that Luke was basically trained as an assassin by Yoda, but in this instance, he would be facing a monster that couldn’t be defeated with a lightsaber, a monster so insidious it had somehow replaced his own sister.

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Or, as terrible as it sounds, it might be interesting for Luke to realize that he will be forced to do what Yoda trained him to do so long ago: Kill a member of his own family for political reasons. How fucked up is that!? It would probably be so disturbing to him, on such a deep and fundamental level, that he would seek the solace of an alien titty because what else does he have???

 

 

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I’ve always been confused by this character. It was never explained why he had a bout of conscience and could no longer serve the New Order. If the Empire used clones for stormtroopers, it would have been interesting if the New Order used something even more disturbing, like victims of MK ULTRA who had been turned into suicidal fanatics. Imagine soldiers who had their core humanity ruined or buried under layers of traumatic programming. Maybe Finn’s programming was incorrectly administered, making him the odd man out. Or maybe joining the Rebels is a part of his programming, and he doesn’t even know it. Or maybe his programming was corrupted, so he left the New Order and joined the Rebellion, but he found the Rebels so ideologically repulsive that he couldn’t help but constantly argue with them, shouting, “Palpatine did nothing wrong!” and ruining every friendship.

Otherwise he’s kind of forgettable, isn’t he?

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REY

I’m old enough to remember a time when nerds were routinely rounded up, fitted with explosive collars, and hunted on live tv. No memorials commemorate this because nobody gave a shit about nerds in the 80s. Times are different now, and nerd culture is mainstream. However, let’s be real… times haven’t changed that much. Deep down, women don’t care about Star Wars, they just tolerate it because they don’t want us to feel like idiots for getting into fights over why Qui-Gon Jinn didn’t disappear when he got lightsabered in his gutworks. The wheels of culture are spinning hard to bring women into sci-fi, but they will never appreciate my life-size Lando Calrissian body pillow or my ability to repeat a lot of the alien dialogue from Return of the Jedi, which I can do despite the fact that it’s been many years since I’ve seen it. (If you’re curious, I can even replicate the weird voice modulation they used when Leia was pretending to be an alien bounty hunter.)

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The desire for “strong” female protagonists is powerful in everyone except audiences (they just want a good story). Progressive types like to ignore the history of interesting female characters in sci-fi and fantasy and are pushing for Mary Sue types who are good at everything and have no personality. This is how we get characters like Rey, but apparently it could have been worse. Captain Marvel is slated to be the Alpha Mary Sue, the ultimate Mary Sue of which all other Mary Sues are mere reflections, or maybe harbingers of the prophecied Mary Sue Prime who is destined to defeat Thanos.

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Anyway, Rey may be bland, but she actually fits pretty well within my idea of the New Republic becoming a totalitarian left-wing nightmare, because her absolute mastery of everything would make her a pretty scary villain. Imagine her gaze, so lacking in doubt because her mind is free of all complication, and now turn the intensity up to eleven after she gets indoctrinated by Empress Leia. What Vader was to Emperor Palpatine, the brutal feminazi Rey could be for Empress Leia, going beyond simply Not-Needing-a-Man and outright killing supposed “like literal stormtroopers” without hesitation (or, from the good guys’ perspective, massacring civilians who commit thoughtcrimes and facecrimes). Imagine if she wore a perfectly clean white uniform and even had a halo of light shining around her, because she was just that pure in her progressive beliefs. She could even use a blue lightsaber, traditional among good guys, or hell she could have a unique golden lightsaber.

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In this situation, Kylo Ren’s emo sensibilities would seem like a breath of fresh air, but still be meme-worthy. He’s the kid nobody sat with during lunch, but he’s trapped in a football player’s body. He could very well be the Jedi equivalent of the emotion felt by K from Blade Runner 2049 when he saw his girl in hologram form, lost to him forever, taken out of the home and reduced to a corporate product that anyone could buy. Hell, a Jedi master tried to kill him in his sleep; he was made for tragedy and self-doubt. In some sense, he’s the perfect hero for a dystopian sci-fi story about a civilization destroying itself via endless revolution. Luke used to dream of visiting new worlds, but Kylo could stare at his grandfather’s mask and dream of going back to a world that possibly never existed.

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A scene from Pol: The Movie

It would be interesting to see Luke and Kylo team up in episode 9 rather than shrugging off the conflict between them. Instead of one of them nearly getting bisected while taking a nap and the other one pushing his soul out of his anus so he could get sassy with someone a thousand light-years away, what if they were forced to work together to take out Empress Leia and Mary-Sue Rey? The banter would be legendary! One of them is an alien milk fetish freak who’s “too old for this shit” and the other one is absolutely convinced that the world was better when Vader was goose-stepping over Ewok and Jawa corpses. “They take our jobs,” Kylo Ren would yell at Luke, “and they drive down wages and the crime rate skyrockets!” Meanwhile Luke, ancient boomer that he is, would be like, “It doesn’t matter if they come in *legally*!” and Chewbacca would be like “UwaaWaaAaAaa!” which is pretty standard except in this movie, he would be completely shaved, looking like a mutated hairless possum and trying to pass for human so Kylo Ren wouldn’t freak out about having to team up with an alien.

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Anyway, Star Wars Episode 9: Right-Wing Traditional Jedi Values would be impossible to write in a lefty environment where sci-fi is generally seen as “problematic”, but it’s fun to speculate about an alternate universe where the mainstream can be challenged. As the noose tightens and we learn to watch what we say, we can always dream of a world where the human spirit isn’t dying from a terminal mind virus.

A Mythological Breakdown of Panos Cosmatos’ Film MANDY

by Kyle B. Stiff

“Black Skulls, Jesus Freaks, and Weird Hippie-types, Man! Crazy Evil!”

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MANDY depicts a mythological “war in the heavens” as seen through the highly creative lense of a lurid, high-contrast revenge film. Specifically, I think it’s a continuation of the story of Saturn’s fall at the hands of Jupiter, and Saturn’s subsequent encounter with the Gnostic resurgence that sprang out of the relatively recent discovery of the Nag Hammadi codex. In short…

RED (Nicholas Cage) is SATURN and MANDY is URANIA, muse and daughter of JUPITER

In the original Saturn myth, Saturn was either a brutal tyrant or the god-king of a golden age of plenty, depending on who you ask. In any case, there was a prophecy that he would be overthrown by his own children. In order to prevent such a future, he made a habit of eating his newborn children. His wife Rhea had enough of this, so she switched out one of her newborn babies (Jupiter) with a rock, which Saturn ate. That may sound strange, but then again, the actual planet Saturn does a great job of consuming or redirecting stray meteoroids on a regular basis, which helps us out a great deal. Anyway, Jupiter grew up to be a real badass, raised an army, attacked his father, pulled his siblings out of Saturn’s belly, then they all took turns beating the crap out of him. Jupiter and his siblings divided the universe among themselves, and Saturn was cast out of the heavens.

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In MANDY, our story begins with Red, an avatar or incarnation of Saturn, now laboring like a common man after his fall from grace. Saturn is a god of harvest, but also a god of limitations, of “cutting things short”, so chopping down trees is an appropriate job for his human incarnation. We see him turn down an offer of booze. In fact, before he met Mandy, he was just another one of those drunk, broken men who seem so common these days. He has also given up politics entirely, a sign that he has given up hope of ever regaining his lost throne. This is evidenced by the fact that he turns off Reagan’s speech on the radio; any other normal person, upon hearing the voice of the Great One, would have slammed on the brakes, gotten out of their vehicle, and done backflips with tears in their eyes. But not Red. He is living a simple life full of simple joys.

What makes such a life possible? Why did he not drink himself to death?

I believe Jupiter felt sorry for his father, and gave him one of his own daughters in marriage. Mandy is undoubtedly an avatar or incarnation of Urania, the muse of astronomy. As a muse, her thoughts are always in the clouds, focusing on her artwork, her stories, her dreams, and her curiosity about the planets (of course Jupiter is her favorite, since he made her). Red is in awe of Mandy. Since his powers are destructive, he can hardly understand how she makes such wonderful pictures. He looks at her as if she is a wonderful and unknowable enigma, and who can fault him for that?

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Also note that when they discuss their favorite planets, Red claims that he likes Galactus the best – because Galactus eats planets, just as Red did back when he sat on the throne as Saturn!

Before we continue, you have to understand that I’m going to be indiscriminate with the spoilers. If you haven’t seen MANDY yet, then please stop reading this dumb blog and check it out. Otherwise, let’s continue.

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So Red and Mandy live in a happy bubble together, but Red’s intuition about a looming threat is ignored and Mandy is murdered. Red is even crucified (twice!), with a nail in one hand, a “crown of thorns” placed on his head (or barbed wire wrapped around his mouth, in this instance), and he is stabbed in the side by a hell-blade just as Christ was stabbed in the side by the Lance of Longinus.

Red survives, and he ends his self-imposed limitations. He opens up a bottle of booze while screaming in rage and drinks in his underwear like some kind of freak. He retrieves an old weapon, a crossbow named the Reaper – another name for the god Saturn – and then he even forges a hand-to-hand weapon. His Saturnian nature is back, because his new weapon looks like a sickle on steroids. The sickle, the scythe, and the crescent are all symbols of Saturn, for he is the Grim Reaper who knows the limit of life and marks the death of all living things. It’s interesting to note that the Book of Revelations (from the Christian Bible) has an angel who is given authority to harvest what are often referred to as the “grapes of wrath”. He sits and waits with his scythe, then when he gets the green light, he goes to work harvesting souls in an incredible bloodbath. It’s worth noting that Communism and Islam, two of the worst things that have ever happened to the human species, both use moon-shaped sickles or crescents as their symbols, which is appropriate given their unbelievable body count.

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But who is responsible for putting Red on this blood-soaked path of revenge? Who could have killed poor Mandy?!

The Children of the New Dawn are the culprits. Jesus freaks! Or… are they Jesus freaks? Actually, they are…

Gnostic Heretics!!!

It would make sense for a movie coming out of Hollywood to depict an innocent woman in a pentagram t-shirt being kidnapped and murdered by evil Christians. If that was the case, I might see this film being a revenge story in which pagan gods band together against Christianity. However, I don’t think the cult of Jeremiah Sands represents actual Christianity, based on a few key pieces of evidence.

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Jeremiah’s intense beta and right-hand man, Brother Swan, uses an infernal device known as the Horn of Abraxas to summon the Black Skull gang. Abraxas is a chicken-headed god revered by Gnostics. He is sort of a Prime Archon, the god-being behind the creation of all other worlds. I used to be really interested in Gnosticism; anyone with a brain wired for conspiracy theory and spotting patterns can’t help but put time into researching a religion supposedly made up of the unconventional books kept out of the “mainstream” Bible. But they are heretics, calling evil good and good evil, with a bizarre creation story and alternate versions of the Gospels. There was no evil conspiracy to keep Gnostic books out of the Bible, they just don’t fit. Deepak Chopra may as well get in if we’re going to allow the Gnostics into the Bible.

Another point that the Children of the New Dawn aren’t necessarily true Bible-thumping bogeymen: Jeremiah turns Red into a martyr, then gloats over him by explaining the “problem” with Jesus – that he didn’t get someone else to do his suffering for him. This is clear-cut blasphemy, even from the perspective of a Protestant!

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In fact, our Gnostics cultists sound like characters pulled straight out of the 80s “Satanic Panic”, when it seemed like children all over America were falling into the hands of demon-worshipping pedophiles. That whole era has been brushed off as a case of mass hysteria, but it is interesting to note that Teal Swan, the world’s most hated New Age guru, says that real Satanists always pretend to be Christians, and even have their own churches. But, speaking of New Age, there’s a little of that in Jeremiah’s cult, too. When he’s trying to psychologically break Mandy, he mentions that we are all one, which is pretty much the cornerstone of New Age philosophy (aliens are obsessed with drilling this idea into abductees). It even starts to work a little bit, as Jeremiah’s words and charisma work in tandem with the Chemist’s LSD and Mandy starts to see her own face superimposed on Jeremiah’s. If we are all one, then why not live as if life is a “beautiful dream” (a phrase used by the young female cultist, can’t remember her name) and live to take care of Jeremiah’s narcissistic desire for attention? He outlines his entire philosophy, how God told him that everything is all one, and thus, everything is his for the taking. A pretty convincing argument for a self-involved blowhard. But Mandy retains control over her sense of self (that pesky individual ego that all New Agers are constantly disparaging) and she laughs at Jeremiah. He’s not good enough to be anywhere near her. He can’t handle not being taken seriously, and like a true narcissist he runs to the only god he believes in – that beautiful face in the mirror! The unbelievably handsome man on the other side of the mirror tells him to never, ever doubt himself. Can you imagine the tortured sense of loneliness that must come from being a narcissist who thinks everything in the world exists only to amuse them? And the frustration they must feel when someone doesn’t perform the role the narcissist has assigned to them?

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It’s also worth noting that Jeremiah’s puffy white robe is reminiscent of the robe worn by the founder of the Raelians, a UFO cult known for gathering beautiful women who can “take care of” Rael, the leader of the cult. There’s even a pic of some of Rael’s “angels” licking cocksicles with him in the background, slobbering and looking like he can’t believe how lucky he is to be the leader of a cult. Jeremiah Sands is in a similar position, handing out religious platitudes to form a meaningful narrative around his own failed music career and the bottomless pit of horniness that makes up the life of a man.

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Jeremiah ends up forcing Mandy into a bag and executing her, just like in her story (her prophecy?) about the starlings. But he picked the wrong family to mess with. What happens next might seem like a clear case of Christians versus pagan gods, but again, I don’t think that’s the case. Despite Hollywood stories about Christians ruthlessly attacking pagans, in general the Church doesn’t compete with pagans. What do they do? Christians set up shop, they keep their hands off pagan holidays so nobody gets pissy, and then they create a cultural taboo around human sacrifice, which is a big deal in pagan religions that is never talked about. This creates a one-way pipeline into the Church. People often point to pagan roots of various Christian holy days and think it’s evidence of some kind of theft, but it’s actually proof that Christians were surprisingly *kind* to pagans; I say surprising because, given the string of violent encounters that make up historical accounts, and given Hollywood’s depiction of Christians as bullies, benign behavior is the last thing one would expect. There are, of course, exceptions. But the one-way pipeline into the Church is a real thing – until just a few years ago, nobody reverted back to paganism because nobody would willingly sacrifice a relative if there was a way out of it, and human sacrifice was a large part of pagan beliefs. It took me a long time and several history books to realize this, but that’s one of the big reasons why Christianity spread so quickly; not because “crusaders” fought every pagan they came across (get real), but because beating Uncle Jojo’s head in with a mallet is about the last thing anybody wants to do. If eating a piece of bread and saying it’s the body of a god-man who died for you so you don’t have to die for him means you can stop sacrificing dudes to invisible demons who like to ruin crops, people will do it.

Anyway, in order for the Children of the New Dawn to carry out their assault on Red and Mandy, they have to call in some muscle. They can’t do it themselves, as they mostly like laying around, watching tv, doing drugs, and having sex with each other. They’re hedonists, not fighters. That’s why they summon the infernal enforcers known as…

The Black Skulls

The Horn of Abraxas summons the Black Skulls. Just what in the hell are these weird, inhuman, demon-possessed bikers?!

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If we watch MANDY without the influence of Black Rainbow, we might imagine that the Chemist accidentally or purposefully gave the Black Skulls some bad LSD, fried their brains, and turned them into violent murder-junkies. The guy from Predator strongly implies that this is the case. However, I don’t think the Chemist had anything to do with their origin. If not the Chemist, then who created them? Or… who summoned them originally???

I believe these psycho bikers had their humanity erased by the same process that stripped Barry Nyles from Beyond the Black Rainbow of his humanity. It’s safe to assume that MANDY and Black Rainbow take place within the same universe. I believe the same drug used by Dr. Arboria – a black pool that sends one across the Abyss – transformed the Skulls into their current form. Remember, when Barry Nyles (from Rainbow) heard the words of his handler’s handler in a phone call that was not meant for him, and he decided to stop pretending to be human, he wore black leather and removed all the appendages that made him appear normal. The Black Skulls also wear leather and are only vaguely human. If Barry had been a simpler man, perhaps an uneducated biker, his unfortunate trip into the Abyss might have turned him into a goon prone to short-term gain and violence, rather than give him a case of slow-burning sadism and a narcissistic split personality.

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So the Black Skull bikers were probably experiments abandoned by either Dr. Arboria or Barry Nyles. Or perhaps they escaped. In fact, they may hate their own existence more than anything else, and so they are always on the lookout for entrances into Dr. Arboria’s facility so they can kill their maker. Did you notice that the house the Black Skulls were squatting in inexplicably had a concrete-lined “bottomless pit” in the basement? Was this an entrance to the facility where Elena was kept? What about the dead man and woman in the bedroom? Were they employees of the Arboria Institute, living above the facility until they were found by the Black Skulls? The Skulls’ hatred of their creators would certainly explain why the man had been bum-fuggled to death by Knife Dong (note the blood stains around his tail pipe if you don’t believe me).

When the Black Skulls first roll up, the lights from their bikes almost look like a UFO is landing. Even the language used to describe the Skulls makes it sound as if they come from another world, thus tapping into the same dynamic often seen with aliens, demons, or Lovecraftian beings who simply should not be in our world. Note that Red and Mandy are afflicted with sleep paralysis when the bikers attack; inducing paralysis is always the first weapon employed by aliens, “shadow people”, or whatever it is that haunts our sleep. That’s a strange detail to add, isn’t it? Why not just show the bikers breaking windows, kicking down doors, and manhandling Red before he becomes a hero? The reason is because the mind of Cosmatos is tuned into contemporary myths concerning aliens, conspiracy, strange psychic powers – basically, the realm of the modern divine.

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This could also explain why they look like high-testosterone versions of the creatures from Hellraiser, the Cenobites, who are also interdimensional beings obsessed with pain. Note that a Cenobite was (historically) a type of monk, and there is something monk-like about the Skulls’ mortification and their lack of a normal sexual existence. One of them even has a knife for a dong (a what!!!), which is why I called him Knife Dong earlier (genius over here). Normal human bikers might experience a lot of hangovers and wrecks, but ultimately, they want to feel good, whether they’re partying or riding fast. But the Black Skulls have been bled dry of their humanity, and all that’s left are screaming demons riding around in leather meat-suits. To paraphrase the black guy from Predator, “When I seen them things, they were in a world of pain. But you know what the freakiest part is? They fuckin’ loved it.”

One more thought, and this comes out of “left” field. When Red verbally confronts one of these creatures, he calls it a “vicious snowflake”. It might sound odd, but when you consider that “snowflake” is a term used by the right against the sensitive left, you could draw a parallel between the Black Skulls and Antifa. Both are enforcers, both seem to be demon-possessed, and many people have made the claim that Antifa (or their organizers) are paid. The Black Skulls definitely don’t work for free. Whether paid or not, they fill the role of “useful idiots”, tools to be used and discarded. Antifa also makes sense in our scenario because Red, being the avatar of Saturn, represents one of mythology’s greatests tyrants, a paragon of fascism, thus making him the natural enemy of our infernal version of Antifa.

OR: Far-Right Demonstration Met By Antifa Protesters

Whatever the case, after Red overcomes the Black Skulls and proves he has what it takes to hunt down the Children of the New Dawn, he finally earns the assistance of an oracle.

The Chemist

As stated, I don’t think the Chemist gave four bikers some “bad acid” and turned them into murder-junkies. Since the Chemist seems far too well-meaning and empathic to ruin the lives of four humans, even on accident, I think that Dr. Arboria is the “chemist” that the black guy from Predator is referring to; totally plausible, since we already know Dr. Arboria has access to a magical goo leading to the abyss beyond all human understanding. The Chemist from this story, on the other hand, is a very powerful psychic with hippie ideals, and he lives for the goal of enhancing human evolution through acid, which is kind of the dream of every burn-out who can’t even find their own car keys. But, of course, the Chemist is no common burn-out. He is probably more of a living force of nature like Elena, godlike but only partly connected to our world. Red does not even need to speak to the Chemist, as he can already see into Red’s mind and spirit. This brings to mind the substance “telepathine”, either a key ingredient or an alternate name for ayahuasca.

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Note that he calls Red a “Jovan warrior” – a warrior of Jupiter. Despite Red’s favorite planet being Saturn, despite his weapons being a scythe and a crossbow called Reaper, he has now fully devoted himself to another person, a daughter of Jupiter. Red has crossed over the threshold of living only for himself, which is a miserable existence, and now lives for the love of another, which gives meaning to existence. This idea is a nonsensical paradox to libertarians, but sorry, guys, it’s just the general trend of every individual’s spiritual journey. At any rate, Red’s love for Mandy, and his rage at her loss, has turned him into a blood-soaked hero who cannot be stopped.

The Chemist probably became a highly sensitive psychic empath just like Elena from Beyond the Black Rainbow. That is, he joined the Arboria Institute, went into the black goo, crossed the Abyss, saw the face of God, and returned both more and less than he was before. He came back a decent and relatively “good” person, like Elena, and unlike Barry Nyles (also from Rainbow) and the Black Skull biker gang, who lost everything that was good in them and became meat-vehicles driven by demons.

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Note that the Chemist doesn’t seem to have any problem with keeping a tiger in a cage until he sees the situation from Red’s perspective. Once he sees the noble beast from our hero’s eyes, he frees Red’s spirit animal to mark the coming of justice. In this way he acts as an oracle, in that he can become empty and see things from another’s perspective. It’s empathy taken to an extreme. As an oracle, he clears up any confusion felt by the hero and straightens out the crooked path leading to the goal.

END.

The Reaper comes as Mandy foretold and in the end Red drives through a hellish red-lit world where strange planets loom overhead. He has brought justice through violence but, like Barry Nyle in Beyond the Black Rainbow, he ends up utterly alone, riding alongside someone who is not even there. Red sees an image of Mandy and smiles, remembering a time when he was lost and alone and without his throne, but she found him and changed him. Red is lost and alone once again, but now he has weapons, he has reclaimed his mantle of godhood by snatching it from Jeremiah Sands (remember his strange insistence on his own godhood?), and he has a hopelessly fractured soul that will likely never be pieced back together again. MANDY’s ending is the bleakest I have seen in a long time.

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Beyond the Black Rainbow was set in synthetic corridors and ended in the wilderness, while Mandy begins in the wilderness and ends in an alien landscape echoing with the revving engine of a fallen god. I can’t help but wonder if Panos Cosmatos will revisit that strange world and pick up on that note of intense loneliness where Mandy dropped the viewer off without any real promise of return.

As I’ve often said on this blog, I don’t think that my Saturn-Urania-Gnostic narrative was consciously planned by director Panos Cosmatos. He’s said that story is the least important part of film. Then again, does any artist ever really understand the full picture of what their muses give them? Forces and beings beyond our understanding rampage through the collective human psyche. Atheism no longer carries any weight in its arguments, it simply asserts its own unobservant nature. The ancient gods are alive and well, and our age is the result of a war in the heavens spoken of in the Book of Revelation.

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What, you don’t think the gods are real? Panos Cosmatos gives us a glimpse into that timeless conflict, which with a little practice can be turned into They Live glasses that present our own age from an ancient perspective in realtime as it happens. I can’t help but remember when Obama was first elected, how the media blew him up, with magazine covers depicting him as a multi-armed Hindu god or as Superman. Then, during KEK’s rebellion, Trump bypassed the mainstream media, and grassroots memes flooded the internet village square like a Biblical plague of frogs. Trump promises a Jovian storm as the sickle of Islam rises over Europe just after ISIS (the same name as the Egyptian goddess) is crushed underfoot. China erects a giant statue of Guan Yu, their god of war, and the Pope’s audience chamber in Vatican City is constructed to look like a demonic serpent, complete with a background of Christ writhing in agony in hell. The magical cauldron of CERN has a symbol of three sixes intertwined and more than one conspiracy theorist has noticed that Israel’s symbol is a star with six points, six triangles, and a six-sided hexagon, indicative of the Beast of endtimes prophecy whose name is 666. It’s easy to make fun of Alex Jones ripping off his shirt and screaming about gay frogs, but without him, the idea that the leaders of the West actually dress in robes and worship a statue of Molloch in the woods would have seemed completely unbelievable. An unashamed Christian known as Q has pointed us to a mind-blowing number of sealed indictments that may one day be unsealed like the scrolls of Revelation, talking in all seriousness about an evil cult even as billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein buries the tunnels leading to his bizarre temple on Little Saint James or “Pedophile Island”. I haven’t even mentioned the black Saturnian cubes, or maybe Metatron’s Cubes, that sit in front of a surprising number of public spaces all around the world, and not just the Kaaba of Mecca.

We live in a world where everything that we have made first came from our minds, and we only vaguely understand our own minds. Even if the gods only dwell there, they still have an inordinate amount of influence over everything we do. The presence of the gods is so obvious, their conflicts so apparent once the eyes are open, that you only have to look a little ways beneath the surface of things to see their subtle wars echoing throughout our lives.

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