The Controversy over Wild Kings

Back in the day, I used an RPG Maker program to make a video game. Unfortunately I got into the RPG-makin’ business pretty late in the game, and when I ended up releasing the joint it was like pullin’ teeth to even get anyone to try it out (though I have to admit that those who did play it found their lives irrevocably changed for the better). This is the story of my trials and tribulations while posting to one game-sharing community.

So when I decided to “market” my free game, here’s a little comic I put together to sell the idea. For explanation I provided only the following statement:

“Wild Kings cultural explosion set to destroy 2009 and replace it with explosion sound effects!”

And then I conveniently included a link for the download:


A few people admitted that they “lol’d” or that they “shamelessly loved” the topic, while another person said, “This topic kicks ass on so many levels. But honestly it kind of turned me off from playing your game.. I wonder why?” while some kind of admin said he was thinking about locking me out. Still another person simply said that the graphics were ugly, which is strange when you consider that no home-made RPG actually has “good” graphics. The whole response brought to mind being back in grade school and putting together extremely violent books that were loved by a few but mostly created the age-old debate of, “Should we censor this stuff a lot, or only censor it completely?” I knew then that I had to rise to the occasion and defend myself. This is the next post I made…


Don’t we like it when games are different?

Don’t we get all worked up when the big big companies regurgitate the same tired-ass themes and make incredible bank off us?

We’ve got the tools of production in our hands right here – doesn’t it seem a little strange when we hold back and don’t go all-out full-on crazytime? “I like the promotional devotional, but it turns me off playing the game!” I think you’re on to something… on to THE POWER OF TRADITION!!!!!!!!!!

Tradition ain’t to be lol’d at. Tradition is where it’s at! Sure we’re a community that digs fantasy worlds where heroes live by ideals that differ from the majority, and have the balls to stand up to tyranny, but only so long as it occurs within the awesome confines of tradition!

Tradition rocks, doin things different suxx – you better get your ass in line Kyle B. Stiff cause you JUST DON’T GET IT!

Then there are the charges that his graphics is crap. These is heavy charges, especially when anyone with any sense knows that graphics is the full measure of a game. In his own whining, simpering defense, Kyle B. Stiff would like to say that since this is a homegrown game-making community, then all would do well to take note that there is not a single game on here that can graphically hold a candle to Madden 2010 or any other game on the Xbox or PS3, and his voice cracks with womanish weakness when he also adds that aren’t these games about imaginationalizing and fantasmalisms rather than supersweet graphics? Ha. The court laughs, for the rating of the graphics of his argument are a mere 1.5 out of 10 stars.

A moderator is wondering aloud whether Kyle B. Stiff should be locked out. Well I say yea, he should! Just as it is morally right for high school jocks to push around D&D-playin computer-lovin geeks, so it is a good and right thing, a moral imperative, for any outsider to have his balls mashed in! Let us wield the mighty Power Stick!!!

Judge Kyle B. Stiff by downloading Wild Kings ( and really get STEAMED!!! (Now conveniently available for the RPG Maker 2003 entertainment system.)

… And that was the end of that post. One person wrote, “Just..what the hell” while another wrote, “I almost want to play this game now. Almost.” A few people seemed to enjoy the post, but overall, people were either confused or simply did not give a shit. Mind you, this was a community of RPG and video game enthusiasts. I wasn’t posting in a forum about community gardening or bird-watching, so if I couldn’t make it there… well, you get the idea.

Anyway, I also posted a few pictures of the game itself. Here they are, for your amusement!

Gramm hangs up his mop.

See people get worked up into all kinds of states.

Make moral decisions! Choose between immoral and amoral!

Combat like you’ve never seen before! That is, if you’ve never played a video game in your entire life.

Contains many humorous attempts at attempting to be humorous!

Revolutionary new “menu system” turns what could have been a fun game into an exercise in tedious micro-management!

See a human being become an ANIMAL!

The high price of owning a goat.

And that was the end of Wild Kings. I worked on it for like a year and a half (ha haaaa!!!), a few people played it and enjoyed it, but it mostly just became a testament to the futility of doing anything besides watching network television. Not that I didn’t enjoy making the damn thing. Hell, truth be told, it was one of the funnest goddamn projects I ever worked on!!!

Now, I’m not going to sit here and try to tell you that you need to download RPG Maker 2003 and then go to all the work of trying to figure out how to make it work on a modern computer, and then try to trick you into downloading Wild Kings and having the time of your life. That’s not what I’m about. However… in the interest of leaving no stone un-turned, here’s a link to Wild Kings. If you want me to try to walk you through the installation process (which is a fuckin’ bitch to do), just get in touch with me.

Here’s a damn link to download the game:


*     *     *

Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.

3 responses to “The Controversy over Wild Kings



  2. jesus, what a pussy. he didn’t even have the balls to include Jens Arneson, the most badass motherfucking out of control alcoholic coward ever as a playable character. fuck.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s