I Want to Be a CRISPR Baby!

In this edition of Kyle B. Stiff’s blog, he accidentally read an article about gene-tweaked CRISPR babies, learned about the controversy surrounding them, and then immediately lost his shit over it!

 

This is the article I’m all worked up over: https://www.technologyreview.com/s/612458/exclusive-chinese-scientists-are-creating-crispr-babies/

The short version: People be editing they babies before they come out the oven.

The longer version: Chinese scientists have “edited” the genes of some unborn fetuses to make them more resistant to HIV. Most people are horrified by the idea that we will soon be able to tamper with the genes of the unborn and create “designer babies”.

Imagine my response. Me, 3’7”, covered in bruises from insulin injection sites, literally too dumb to survive, and surrounded by low IQ neighbors and coworkers who will one day be slave labor for (genetically modified) aliens: “Nooooo don’t do it we must not make better humans, eugenics = Nazis!!!”

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I don’t know people, do we want to have seven foot tall humans who are healthy and strong and have an IQ over 200???? Sounds like a nightmare amirite, imagine not having any diseases!!!!!!!! Please kill me now!!!!!!!

On a super serious note, I cannot WAIT for celebrities to come out against this. I really want to hear what a bunch of 6’2” motherfuckers in perfect health and above average IQ and unusually high charisma have to say about the issue, my 4’2” ass is on the edge of my seat waiting to hear their normie take on this.

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Oh, and HERE’S an article that mentions how CRISPR will usher in an era of GENETIC INEQUALITY. Yeah, because right now we have genetic equality! Good Lord! How naive can you be!?

(Looks in the mirror, sees a tiny beardless diabetic manlet staring back at him.) “Repeat after me: My genes are just as valuable as anyone else’s. Now say it again – this time without laughing!”

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I’m starting to wonder if the people opposed to eugenics and genetic tinkering are just people with good genes who want to keep their current market dominance, and they truly believe that the rest of the species can just go fuck themselves. Looking at CRISPR as anything other than a necessity is no different from somebody born into wealth going to a blog about poor people getting their finances in order and telling them, “Eeeeey you got it good as it is, quit it with the self-improvement, what are you a Nazi or something?” and then peeling out in their exotic foreign car while their hot girlfriend squeals in delight.

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What if I had a son right now, knowing that his height and physical strength would be equivalent to mine? What would I say to him, knowing full well what was waiting for him, but I did nothing to change it?! “Sorry little fella, but you’re going to have a tough time. You’ll have to get used to not really being ‘one of the guys’, so when they’re playing sports and making friends, you’ll need to concentrate on reading, video games, things like that. Hey there’s some great games out there, so the sky’s the limit, when you think about it. As you get older and the others start pairing off, you know, boys and girls and the circle of life and all that, hopefully you’ll have some hobbies by then that you can give your attention to. I pray you won’t have the anxiety issues that your old man has, otherwise you can forget about holding down a high-paying job. You’ll be lifting boxes for a living, and you’ll be working with big, strong guys, and they won’t be patient with you if you can’t keep up. Those big guys, they can afford to be lazy and dial it in some days, but you won’t be able to do that. Hell even if you manage to get a job where you can use your brain, statistics show that height still plays a big role in determining how far you’ll go, so… again, sorry, my son. However, I think you’ll agree that it would have been unethical to enhance – I mean, *modify* your genes before you were born. Also loooooool enjoy being diabetic lolololol!!!!! Don’t worry they gonna cure it soon, I been hearing that my whole life lololololol!!!!”

Oh and dear readers, just so you know – the comments section is reserved exclusively for ladies who want to claim they don’t like tall, muscular men! If you have anything to say other than that, take it to some other blog, okay!!!!!!!

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Hoo wee, I got heated on this post! If you want to read some of my books and short stories – all of which were written while in a calm, collected state of mind unclouded by years of anger and resentment fueled by bad genes, you can check out my Amazon page HERE. In fact I have an entire series that involves genetic manipulation, and you can find it HERE.

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War Is Not Stupid!

By Kyle B. Stiff

 

I’ve been noticing something goofy that crops up in TV shows on a regular basis, and since it’s normal for us to mistake TV for an accurate representation of reality, I thought I would shine a light on this incredibly inaccurate thing that all TV writers seem to believe.

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Imagine a story about two war-torn nations. Their leaders want to end the fighting, but it’s just so difficult because hatred feeds into more hatred and the cycle of violence continues. The characters in the story make all kinds of pronouncements on the folly of mankind, “Alas war is a part of our nature” and “god damn we must be fuckin’ stupid to keep fighting like this” etc etc. Finally a special negotiator is brought in to help the two sides work out a peace treaty OR the two leaders meet on their own and both of them wring their hands wondering just how they can get their people to stop fighting. “How can we overcome the folly of human nature!” “I hear you brother, it seems that both our people hunger for war, are we not a fucked species!!!”

This pattern crops up in TV a lot, and once you see it you can’t un-see it. So what’s the problem? The problem is the commonly held belief that war is started or continued out of anger. It isn’t! War is a carefully calculated venture that people have to be compelled to take part in. It happens because it benefits someone (and not always who you might expect). Blind rage has surprisingly little to do wtih it!

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We often think of war happening because of stupid leaders forcing their lemming-like followers to die for their benefit. A more realistic scenario is that leaders are expected to provide results for their underlings – that is, the people who have them by the balls. Nobody follows a leader just because he has a nametag that says he’s the leader; a leader is someone willing to take responsiblity, which is absolutely terrifying to most people. That’s why we look up to leaders. They’re willing to put their names on projects that could potentially fall apart. That’s one big reason why Nervous Nellies like me don’t become CEOs, but people with a high threshhold for fear and pain and embarrassment do become CEOs.

As soon as someone has taken a position of leadership, they aren’t surrounded by lemmings who yearn to take orders and be dominated. No, they’re surrounded by people who want results, and some of those people want results so badly, they’ll turn on the leader if they have the opportunity. If profits go down, somebody’s balls go into the fire – and someone always has the fire going, just in case.

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This is why it’s silly to worry about the President having access to the “nuclear football” as if it’s dangerous. I heard this argument about Trump more than once – “He could push the button at any time!” There are really dopes out there who have this mental image of Biff Tannen sitting in the Oval Office, shaking his head while a blood vessel is pounding in his forehead, somebody made fun of him and now he’s more A*N*G*E*R*E*Y*Y*Y than he’s ever been before… “Fuck it, let’s see what these cocksuckers have to say when I launch the nukes!!!”

Obviously it doesn’t work like that. Even small nations that go to war have to have heads of state discussing plans with heads of business, everybody’s on the phone with foreign contacts, there’s arguing and rationalizing about potential gains, possible risks, can they get the public to go along, etc. War is so vastly complicated and requires such a high degree of intelligence and cooperation that you might as well believe someone could start a successful business in a fit of rage, or paint a masterpiece while blinded by anger.

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And the idea that war is a part of human nature? Tell that to anyone who’s trained soldiers. The training that turns a civilian into a soldier is so demanding that most people can’t even handle it. Soldiers firing over the heads of the enemy and missing on purpose (as long as they are not in immediate danger) is a very real thing that has to be drilled out of people. If war was a part of human nature then you would see neighboring towns self-organize into small armies and raiding one another on a regular basis. Why wouldn’t they?! You could replenish your population indefinitely as long as even a handful of males survived. And yet countries are full of towns that don’t even have walls or moats, because they (realistically) never expect the next town over to attack them… even if they are rival sportsball enthusiasts!

Even a simple bar fight is difficult to pull off due to human nature. As a huge drunk who has spent way too much time in bars, I have never seen a bar fight where two guys squared off and their friends stood behind them shouting encouragement and egging them on. What almost always happens is that two guys will want to fight, but either one or both of them will have a friend with their arms wrapped around them holding them back, “Eyo yo yo it ain’t worth it mang ch-ch-chill out bro man it ain’t worth it” etc. This is human nature. It happens far more often than actual bloodletting, but it’s not often documented because it’s boring! What’s your favorite almost-fight-scene from TV? You don’t have one – nobody does!

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Obviously I’m not saying that violence never occurs. It does. But I think it’s important to dump the idea that senseless rage drives large groups of people into self-organizing Murder Squads. Humans aren’t stupid. If they’re forming into armies and attacking someone, it’s for a reason, and that reason usually has to do with people in the middle wanting results from people at the top, and then it has to be carefully packaged to the people at the bottom. If war was a part of human nature, then war wouldn’t have to be packaged in a narrative. We wouldn’t tell ourselves that we’re doing something regretable in order to accomplish something good or necessary. Our leader would just stand up and announce, “This year we will attack… let’s see… (looks at his map, then spins an empty bottle)… the nation to the east! All males report to the eastern border and kill the first motherfucker you see!!!”

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But seriously, this idea of a peace negotiator trying to stop rage-induced war happens a lot on TV, but there’s one specific instance in Star Trek: The Next Generation that is so dumb and so over-the-top that I can’t believe no one else has ever noticed it or made fun of it before. In that episode, there’s a planet where these people who look like apes are locked in an endless war. I guess they look ape-like because only unevolved people wage war, yadda yadda etc etc. Anyway, the Federation is so desperate to help these people end their war that they pull out all the stops. That’s right, you guessed it, they recruit the ultimate negotiatior… a man capable of ending even the most balls-out conflict ever imagined. He could even get a libtard and a right-wing death squad member to hug each other with tears streaming down their faces. I can’t remember the guy’s name, but this motherfucker walked around in a white robe, and his mind was in such a peaceful state that he couldn’t even speak for himself – he had to have three psychic people follow him around and narrate what was going on with the three different aspects of his mind. So they teleport this freak down into the no-man’s-land between the two armies so they can negotiate for peace. Once they set up the tables, some chairs, a Coke machine or whatever, then the guys from the opposing sides walk up – and, get this – they’ve got their rifles out, pointed, fingers on the triggers, looking around like they think that the alien from Alien is going to jump out at them! Have you guys ever watched the news and seen dudes from Hamas or the PLO negotiate with the Israelis while they all have their guns pointed at each other?! Of course not! Leaders negotiate peace treaties when their people (their sponsors) are ready for peace. They don’t do it in the middle of a conflict when all of their underlings are still expecting to get some sort of profit out of the affair. Anyway, I can’t remember what happened in that episode of Star Trek, but of course things went wrong… I think Worf ended up beating some guy’s head in with a 2×4, I don’t know.

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I realized this frequent scenario was retarded when I started studying history. I was just as guilty as everyone else when it comes to thinking that war is just a facet of human stupidity, and that we have to leave it behind in order to evolve. We might minimize warfare, but we can never end it entirely. The species capable of ending warfare among themselves would have to be so spiritually castrated and so lacking in will and drive that over time their brains would degenerate. They would become like cattle, and eventually a harder, stronger species would come along and either enslave them or just take their shit and leave them with nothing. And the stronger species wouldn’t necessarily be monsters, either (although they might be). They could just be a civilization led by people given the grim task of making sure their people prosper… just like all leaders are.

We are in an era sort of like that now, where some humans crave peace so much, and are such natural servants, that they would serve the first alien species that landed. Just look at the comments section on any story or video about aliens – it’s always full of species-traitors quick to judge their own kind!

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In studying history, I realized the importance of cutting people some slack… especially people at the top. Everyone’s back is against the wall, everyone is dealing with situations that aren’t ideal. The people at the bottom like to point the finger and blame their leaders for everything. But that’s the good thing about being at the bottom, isn’t it? You get to remain blameless and let others take responsibility for making impossible decisions!

 

If you enjoyed getting butt-blasted with the unasked-for opinions of Kyle B. Stiff, then please consider reading some of his books and stories, all of which were written to be entertaining (unlike this blog post) and can be found HERE.

Heavy Metal Thunder 3 and Other Updates!

By Kyle B. Stiff

First off, forgive me for leaving you guys with no updates for so long! Now, it should go without saying that the B. Stiff was working like mad the entire time, tirelessly giving everything he had just so you – my precious readers – might be entertained. We already know that’s what I was doing, right? Great! Then let’s move on.

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First bit of good news! Heavy Metal Thunder 3: Slaughter at Masada is now available for pre-order at Amazon! Sorry, but it looks like there won’t be a fancy app version. The last time I visited Cubus Games in Barcelona, I was horrified to see their studio in flames. I went inside with my gun held ready, but I was too late… they had all been shotgunned to death by nihilistic murder-junkies from a timeline abandoned by God. Some of my slain allies even had signs of torture, with their you-know-whats twisted into oversized pretzels. I swore vengeance on those who… well, I was going to swear vengeance, but I had a lot on my plate, you know? I figured someone would sort things out.

But anyway, the third installment of the Heavy Metal Thunder series will launch on July 11, but you can preorder a copy right now. How amazing is that?

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I’m also close to finishing VOIVOD Book 3: Forest of Spears, which brings our historically accurate tale of Vlad the Impaler up to the fateful events of 1462 AD, when… ah, but I can’t give it away! Let’s just say that all the goofy tales of blood-sucking vampires can’t even come close to matching the REAL and largely-unknown saga of Vlad and a few  brave knights taking a stand against something so horrific that we can hardly imagine it today, what with being modern-day, pigeon-toed, narrow-shouldered man-children.

I haven’t forgotten about Demonworld, either. I promise, once VOIVOD is done (four books total, third is about to drop), then I’ll work on Demonworld until it’s complete. I’ve dragged it out for far too long!

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At the risk of sounding annoyingly vague, I’ve also been involved in some other… projects. Many projects, in fact. Out of all of them, only one fell apart when the project lead collapsed in a fit of anguish and shrieking paranoia during the relatively carefree early stages of the project. I tend to work alone (that’s part of what makes me seem so cool), and that incident taught me a lot about the mindset a person needs to have in order to be a part of a team. However, all of the other projects are moving along! Who knows, we might even see the B. Stiff place his gentle (yet powerful) hands on some story-based projects that aren’t books.

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Which is great, because how big of a nerd do you have to be to actually read a book?!? Seriously!

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A Child Molestor for a Hero

By Kyle B. Stiff

I’ve been doing some research on ritual abuse and I’ve been noticing the very human tendency to cover up this sort of thing, not for fear of being associated with it and going to prison, but merely because it is disturbing. The hardest thing to deal with in the accounts of the victims is the inevitable part of the story where normal people who aren’t even associated with the abuse either ignore what is happening or actively try to silence the victim. Hearing this kind of crap has reminded me of being a kid and dealing with adults who I always saw as “weak” or hopelessly naive.

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I didn’t know it at the time, but I always had really intense insight into people when I was a child. It’s common for a kid to think they’re more knowledgable than adults – that’s like the curse of childhood, a terminal case of overestimating your own abilities, right? But in my case, I really could see through people. I always had my own estimation of people that existed outside of consensus opinion. This insight even kept me from getting molested! I remember there was a choir director in the church where I grew up. I knew he was a pedophile just by looking at him – and yes, I even knew what a pedophile was! I think my parents thought I was joking when I called him a pedophile, even though his kids walked around looking like shell-shocked victims of trauma. Anyway, one day this guy even had the balls to call my home, ask for me, and then he invited me to come over and play with his train set. I was used to obeying authority, but I told the guy I didn’t want to, and hung up on him. As far as I was concerned, I had dodged one hell of a bullet, and ran to tell my mom what had happened. You know what that little lady said to me? She said I should have gone to his house – I might have had fun!

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The thing is, I think this is pretty typical of the way most people think. Maybe they’re completely out of touch with their own “shadow”, or they have to learn something before they can know something – but whatever the deal is with them, their defenses against monsters are weak because they can’t even imagine that monsters exist. It’s just so far outside of what they consider within the realm of possibilities. For me, I’ve always known that the world is a dark place. My psyche won’t shatter at the possibility that sometimes bad people pretend to be good people so they can rape children. You have to be rough to defend good people and good things!

But eventually I realized that other people can’t handle thinking of stuff like that. They aren’t psychologically built to walk in darkness for any length of time, so they avoid it entirely. I started looking down on adults when I was in my pre-teens because I saw them as weak, and I think I even turned into a bully because of that. Not an overt bully, of course, I wasn’t a mean-spirited little shit, but I definitely wanted the adults in my life to grow up a little bit. So what I did was… I started talking about a known child molestor who lived in our town. I talked about him all the time. I made jokes about him and acted like he was my hero. I even wrote stories about him! I can be sued if I give his real name, so let’s just say he was called Drankie Foul. He was kind of a character. Semi-retarded, extremely ugly, fat, lived in poverty, walked around town a lot, and went to church so he could look for victims. Drankie was a degenerate. He had raped some kids and spent a few years in prison, but was now a member of the community. I guess as far as they were concerned, raping kids was just a phase he had gone through, kind of like when a kid goes through a skateboarding phase!

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I kept cracking jokes about him and getting other kids to laugh and talk about him because I knew the adults were way too pussy to stop me. Ultimately, I knew that if they called me out on always talking about Drankie Foul, I could play my ace card: I’m just a kid. But you’re an adult, and if you know this guy is a pedophile, why don’t you get a gun and go handle your business? Oh, you don’t want to do that? Then how about I just keep talking about Drankie all day, every day, as often as I want to?

Then again, maybe more people have “dark streaks” in their aura than we realize. You ever read an article about a child molestor and then check out the comments section? Lots of people want to kill child molestors! Even people in prison want to stomp perverts, they can’t stand to be around them! I’ve been hearing about pedophile rings being broken up recently, with lots of arrests being made. I hope it’s true. I hope it’s true because life is always better when good people focus their aggressive instincts like a laser rather than pretending that the dark spots on their soul don’t exist.

Script for an Insanely Stupid but Popular TV Show

A scene involving some Persons…

Person 1: You’re gonna do what I say, and we’re not going to talk about why you’re going to do it! That way we can have a stupid misunderstanding that will get the audience all worked up!

Person 2 (to another Person): Nothing was explained to me so I’m going to assume the other Person is a retard. Looks like you and me are going to have to deviate from the plan so nothing will get resolved in this episode and everyone will keep yelling at each other.

Person 3: But won’t that jeopardize what we’re trying to do?

Person 2: Yeah pretty much. And you might think that I should explain things, but I’m not going to explain anything. I’m just going to walk away.

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Let’s All Drop What We’re Doing While Kyle B. Stiff Gives His Opinion About Blade Runner 2049 As Far As It Pertains to Using the Bathroom

By Kyle B. Stiff

Blade Runner 2049 was an amazing movie, but I don’t understand why Hollywood producers don’t understand why it didn’t make a lot in the box office. For one thing, nobody can hold their bladder for more than two hours, especially if they drank a giant Coke during the half hour of trailers and ads that played beforehand. Also every single person in America – even people who live in poverty – have giant TVs with beautiful high-definition pictures, and an audio setup that sounds better than movie theaters. Movie theaters jack up the volume so high that even a deaf motherfucker like me can hardly handle it. Who in the world wants to pay twenty dollars just to get blasted with sound while they need to pee, not to mention while they wonder if the person sitting behind them is going to pull out a gun and get their fifteen minutes of fame?

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Probably what they’re going to have to do for a big film release is a pay-per-view kind of thing where people can stream it from home. That’s the only option. It’s either that or have robots that blow you while you’re in the theater. I certainly don’t want big budget movies to go away. Blade Runner 2049 hit me so hard in the feels that it was like catching a glimpse of the Almighty. It was amazing. But if Hollywood producers just keep throwing up their hands and not giving the matter a little thought, then eventually we will never see anything like Blade Runner 2049 ever again. We’ll only see Madea movies and romantic comedies. That’s all that will be available.

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I just had another idea. I’m old so I remember that films, especially long ones, used to have an “intermission”. Halfway through the film, the screen would go black and music would play. You could get up, take a piss, pinch one off, have a powerful vomit, or just do whatever you needed to do so that you wouldn’t spend the last half hour bent over and holding your dick, whispering, “Don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to me!”

Maybe they could try something like that?

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Fear Training!

By Kyle B. Stiff

I had an intense flashback to my childhood and it put some things into perspective.

Any other old people out there ever freak out to THIS record back in the day?

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Great Ghost Stories… from 1973. I used to have this record when I was six or seven (this was in the 80s), and it was so terrifying that I thought it was like a portal to hell. My house already felt haunted, full of dark corners, ancient orange carpet from the 70s, and surrounded by thick woods. I spent a lot of time alone, and for some reason, instead of doing things to try to make believe I was in a happy, cheery world, I was drawn to this record. I had a burning curiosity, and even though I was convinced that playing this record was no different from stepping into a bleak nightmare with very little possibility of escape, I felt like I had to understand the nightmare. Only a person who could survive the darkness was capable of achieving godhood!

It might seem like I’m playing up the drama, but that’s really how strongly I felt about it! I couldn’t even hold this record without feeling as if I was standing on the brink of an endless abyss. The funny thing is, I found this thing again on youtube, and it’s dumb as hell. It’s just a bunch of goofy ghost stories. He put the tooth under his pillow… but the next day… it was gone! That kind of thing. Years later (but before I was a teenager) I watched Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th and experienced only a kind of robotic, autistic understanding of what was happening. I didn’t feel any fear, really, but just a vague curiosity. But this record! This record!!! Just hearing the crackle and hiss of this thing spinning made me think the evil spirits were going to come through and take me to their horrible world of endless darkness!

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Looking back on it, I think maybe that stupid record gave me some really intense fear training, and maybe even helped me “incorporate my shadow” as Jung would say. I’m sure it shaped a lot of my writing. Most of my stories have a force that’s so dark and powerful that most people can’t even imagine it, and the people who take the risk of facing it must have something heroic in them (and also be a little bit crazy).

Then again, I don’t know if events shape us, or if we seek out the things that fit our souls. Whatever the case, if you give this goofy thing a listen, I just remembered that there’s a real spine-tingler in there about a guy who meets a series of cats that keep getting bigger and bigger. Finally the biggest cat of them all comes along, and then… and then… and then…!!!!!!!

(Kyle B. Stiff clutches his chest and falls over dead.)