Facebook Content Moderators Live in Hell… Time to Celebrate!

By Kyle B. Stiff

I just found some pure comedy gold wandering the internets! There’s a story about the people who moderate content on facebook, and if you’ve ever wondered why your feed is relentlessly boring – it’s their fault! The story can be read HERE. It’s worth a read if you like free speech and free thought, because it turns out that the people who need their content moderated end up doing the job of moderating content (because why wouldn’t they?) and then, of course, they get traumatized because they have to look at spicy videos all day long. They’re all softies constantly on the verge of a panic attack because they saw a spicy video that they can’t handle, but they don’t see the irony in the fact that they are the people who require content to be strictly controlled. Their dumb job is their karma and they don’t even know it.

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You want to make my facebook feed boring? Good for you… you get to live in hell!

These moderators most likely believe that a normal person can accidentally see one spicy video or one spicy meme too many and then become a violent psychopath. This dumb idea is so prevalent that once you realize people believe it, you’ll spot it all the time. And the belief that people are infinitely malleable comes from the unexamined belief that people are products of their environment. We’re not. Our personality is front-loaded from the get-go and we turn our environment into a reflection of what’s going on inside of us.

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This is probably why you hear a lot of talk about how bad people are, how un-progressive they are, they’re a plague on the earth, etc. There’s a war on for your mind and we constantly disappoint those who have a controlling mentality, because you can only get people to go along with your idea of right and wrong for a short amount of time. Pull people along one way, and they’ll inevitably pull back the other way. This is endlessly frustrating for domineering do-gooders, but it’s actually one of the best things about the human species. Our impulse to stick to our true nature protects us from a nightmarish timeline in which we become the puppets of megalomaniacs for all eternity. Fortunately those timelines never last. What’s more common is that some people will get involved in a cult and everyone else will relentlessly make fun of them. Humor is a reminder to not go too far in your quest to carve an image of yourself that’s so perfect that you want to worship it. The idol always looks more goofball than you realize.

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One thing I’ve noticed about myself, and maybe it’s true for other people who are drawn to spicy videos, is an obsession with the ugly truth. The world can be pretty horrifying and I guess it kind of makes sense to create a cushion, and hell I like to be comforted too, but I hate the feeling that I’m being lied to or that I’m not allowed to sit at the Big Boys’ Table because I’m too weak to handle the scary ideas. I want to know the scary things. It’s a lot healthier to watch a spicy video about a shooting over a mattress left in an alley, or even the awful execution of those two poor Scandinavian girls in Morocco than it is not knowing how violent the world can be. Life is rough and it’s good to be reminded of that, even if from a safe distance.

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Another thing about spicy videos. I think the people who want to limit the public’s access to spicy videos have a bizarre fear that people actually enjoy them. Maybe some sick fucks genuinely enjoy them, maybe they pop some popcorn and get cozy on the couch while watching Haitian Machete Execution Compilation #7: The Un-Legging Edition, but for most people who are drawn to spicy videos, it’s more of a nauseating fascination. You watch it once, you get the gist of it, you learn the lesson, and then you never need to see it again.

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But these poor dingalings in the article, they’re so sensitive that spicy videos end up battering their consciousness and shredding their auras. The freak-out incidents alone make the article worth reading, with people threatening each other in the parking lot or having sex in the bathroom because reasons. It would be sad if they were doing something good for humanity, making sacrifices for others, etc, but since you know they think the human mind is a bonsai tree and it’s their job to prune it and shape it, it leads to a lot of unintentional comedy. They don’t have a hunger for truth, but rather, an intense desire for comfort.

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Notice that the writer of the article never questions whether social media needs to be censored, he just plays his sad violin over the office stooges who have to do the censoring. “Won’t you think of the poor censors?” he seems to ask. This attitude is increasingly common among journalists – a lack of self-awareness regarding how deeply enmeshed they are in their own worldview. He doesn’t understand that nobody gives a fwack about somebody getting paid to silence you in order to bolster the illusion that you live in a safe and progressive world, and anyone who says otherwise is a regressive meany who like totally needs to shut up already (omg)! The writer of this piece is the sort of bugman who would have absolutely no qualms with living in a world in which an “elite” class, or even an AI, controlled all of our outlets of free speech, scrubbing everything clean and making sure nobody is ever offended or sees something that challenges their belief in a world without sharp edges, and of course doxxing and non-personing anyone who doesn’t want Earth to become… well, what every place becomes when people with good intentions gain power! (Hint: It rhymes with “third-world shithole.”)

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Journalists don’t like the “learn to code” meme, but if they keep believing that everyone but them should be censored, then pretty soon the “learn to code” meme is going to be upgraded to “learn to suicide”!

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How to Use Facebook Like a Badass

By Kyle B. Stiff

It’s come to my attention that you guys are logging in and out of Facebook twenty times a day and checking your notifications rather than being hardcore winners at life. This is not going to work out for me; I don’t want to live on a planet populated by people who got played like a game of FarmVille. I want to live in a world filled with badasses. To that end, I’m going to show you how I use Facebook.

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What’s the big deal with my Facebook technique? Why do I think it’s superior to everyone else’s Facebook technique? And why should anyone be using Facebook at all? Or at the other extreme, why not let Facebook win?

The thing is, you can use Facebook and still achieve victory in life. It is possible. In fact, it’s been my experience that once the Book of Faces has been opened, it cannot be shut. The best we can do is limit its power over us. I’m going to show you how to enjoy using it without letting it use you.

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First, we’ve got to talk about your friends. Let’s face it: Most of them aren’t that interesting. Don’t you know that you’re only truly friends with a few people on your list? The rest are family, coworkers, acquaintances, and people you’re stalking. Just seeing their status updates makes you feel anxious. To make things worse, a surprising number of people that come up in your newsfeed say things that piss you off, or make you resentful, or you look down on them, or sometimes they even give you a non-specific and generalized sense of feeling like shit.

True friends!

True friends!

So what do you do, unfriend them? No, that’s not necessary, and it could lead to a backed-up toilet full of drama. Here’s what you do: When you browse through your news feed, hide a couple of people. Only a couple. The next day, hide a couple more. Don’t think about it too hard, just hide the biggest loudmouths that post the dumbest shit. It’ll be easier than you think, because your feed is most likely an un-weeded garden filled with schmucks with nothing to say. I know it sounds harsh, but the truth is that once those dimwits are gone from your feed, you will never, ever miss them!

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Question: What if someone finds out I hid them? Won’t they be mad at me?

Answer: No one will ever, ever find out that you hid them from your newsfeed. For one thing, they post so much stupid shit that they have no way of tracking who sees what. For another thing, everyone’s newsfeed is so jam-packed with stupid shit that if some moron says, “Did you see the awesome thing I posted?” then the only honest and air-tight answer truly is, “No, I have too much dumb shit in my newsfeed, I missed the awesome thing you posted.” (Note: Try not to roll your eyes when you say “awesome”. In a real-life encounter, you must lie through your teeth in order to avoid drama from needy simpletons.)

In a few days, this seemingly difficult first step will become intoxicating. You’ll start hiding people from your feed left and right, and it’ll get easier and easier as you go. In time, only a few people that you truly like, or who actually have something to say, will be left.

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Once you’ve finally cleaned up your feed, it’s time to make your feed impressive; after you weed a garden, you gotta put some roses in there. The second step toward using Facebook like one of life’s winners is to start friending or subscribing to groups or people (rather than friends) that represent your interests. This step is necessary… but it’s also dangerous.

For one thing, don’t interact with these people. In fact, it’s necessary that you not think of them as people. They are not your friends and they will never be your friends, and that’s exactly how you want it. Why? Because you’re too busy achieving victory in real life to make friends online.

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Another danger lies in the fact that you might subscribe to interests that don’t add to your joy of living. You’ll want to subscribe to groups or people who post stuff ONLY if it relaxes you or engages your brain or your soul. This is easier said than done. For example: Are you into politics? Then you should subscribe to a feed that’ll keep you up to date on the latest political news, right? WRONG. Better yet: DEAD WRONG. If you’re into politics, then by all means go to a protest, debate with someone, vote and pray that the voting machines haven’t been tweaked. But DO NOT clog your feed with a bunch of nonsense that’s only going to get your pulse racing and heighten your anxiety.

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You might be shaking your head, but trust me. When it comes to your Facebook feed, you’re going to have to skirt around a lot of nerve-wracking horseshit. Politics is the worst offender when it comes to ruining Facebook feeds. It’s been said that the revolution won’t be televised; I know you want to be informed, but believe me, the revolution isn’t going to be on Facebook either. Conservatives, try not to subscribe to groups that post pictures of dead babies and feature misspelled warnings about Obama making abortion mandatory for all heterosexual couples (note that If those babies were born, you would just end up friending them on Facebook and their status updates would clog up your newsfeed). Liberals, try not to subscribe to groups that whine about how teachers need to make over a hundred grand a year (note that those teachers would end up buying the same cars that rappers drive and they would still complain about their jobs).

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So what should you subscribe to? Anything that won’t make you feel anxious, but shows you something you might not have found on your own, is fair game. When I began cleaning up my feed, I subscribed to a lot of people who do nothing but post pictures of art all day long. I stick to old paintings done with a level of skill we don’t have these days, with a few comic book artists thrown in for fun. Once you manage to find a few feed-enhancers, you’ll find better ones later by accident. Trust me, logging into Facebook and seeing a work of art done by Michelangelo or Moebius is a thousand times better than reading a status update about someone’s car taking a shit and making them late for a job they hate or perhaps don’t deserve to have.

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(Note: Try to stay away from abstract postmodern shit. Nobody’s going to take the time to look through your profile and judge your interests, so you won’t get any brownie points from anyone by clogging up your feed with pictures of colored blocks that cleverly use empty space to get across a message about man’s inhumanity to man. You won’t be taking more than five seconds to look at this stuff anyway, so find stuff that looks nice and doesn’t jack-hammer your anxiety levels.)

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But that’s just a starting point. What about cute animals? It’s never a bad idea to have random pictures of kittens and baby ducks and lobsters show up in your feed. The only thing to watch out for is that you don’t want cute animal pictures to have any stupid meme text pasted on them – you want to smile involuntarily because you got surprised by somethin’ heartwarming, not smirk like a dipshit because you “got” some other dipshit’s lowbrow joke.

What about handmade goods? Futuristic crap? Books in general? Pictures of mountains with lava spewing out of them? Famous corpses? Clouds that look like nothing other than clouds? Guns made to shoot bullets rather than act as political argument pieces? That’s fine – all of that stuff is perfectly acceptable to have in a feed, and can enlighten the hell out of you when you’re in the mood to waste time in style.

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That’s it: Two steps toward tailoring Facebook to suit your needs. Few of us are strong enough to simply walk away from the Book of Faces, but that doesn’t mean we have to be notification-whores click-click-clickin’ away until we find ourselves on our death beds with no victory to show the gods. When Death Itself clicks on the notification that says our tomorrows have ended, none of us wants to go through a life-review filled with moments where we habitually checked something that only brought us down and made us feel like something less than the badasses we truly are. When we go out in a blaze of glory and stand before the gods in judgment, and they look at how Facebook affected us, let’s be ready to tell them, “I didn’t get bent out of shape over status updates written by needy simpletons. I remade Facebook in my own image; and there I saw volcanoes raging, and the cuteness of kittens, and art made by masters long since passed away, and many other badass things full of wonder.”

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Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.