I Want to Be a CRISPR Baby!

In this edition of Kyle B. Stiff’s blog, he accidentally read an article about gene-tweaked CRISPR babies, learned about the controversy surrounding them, and then immediately lost his shit over it!


This is the article I’m all worked up over: https://www.technologyreview.com/s/612458/exclusive-chinese-scientists-are-creating-crispr-babies/

The short version: People be editing they babies before they come out the oven.

The longer version: Chinese scientists have “edited” the genes of some unborn fetuses to make them more resistant to HIV. Most people are horrified by the idea that we will soon be able to tamper with the genes of the unborn and create “designer babies”.

Imagine my response. Me, 3’7”, covered in bruises from insulin injection sites, literally too dumb to survive, and surrounded by low IQ neighbors and coworkers who will one day be slave labor for (genetically modified) aliens: “Nooooo don’t do it we must not make better humans, eugenics = Nazis!!!”


I don’t know people, do we want to have seven foot tall humans who are healthy and strong and have an IQ over 200???? Sounds like a nightmare amirite, imagine not having any diseases!!!!!!!! Please kill me now!!!!!!!

On a super serious note, I cannot WAIT for celebrities to come out against this. I really want to hear what a bunch of 6’2” motherfuckers in perfect health and above average IQ and unusually high charisma have to say about the issue, my 4’2” ass is on the edge of my seat waiting to hear their normie take on this.


Oh, and HERE’S an article that mentions how CRISPR will usher in an era of GENETIC INEQUALITY. Yeah, because right now we have genetic equality! Good Lord! How naive can you be!?

(Looks in the mirror, sees a tiny beardless diabetic manlet staring back at him.) “Repeat after me: My genes are just as valuable as anyone else’s. Now say it again – this time without laughing!”


I’m starting to wonder if the people opposed to eugenics and genetic tinkering are just people with good genes who want to keep their current market dominance, and they truly believe that the rest of the species can just go fuck themselves. Looking at CRISPR as anything other than a necessity is no different from somebody born into wealth going to a blog about poor people getting their finances in order and telling them, “Eeeeey you got it good as it is, quit it with the self-improvement, what are you a Nazi or something?” and then peeling out in their exotic foreign car while their hot girlfriend squeals in delight.



What if I had a son right now, knowing that his height and physical strength would be equivalent to mine? What would I say to him, knowing full well what was waiting for him, but I did nothing to change it?! “Sorry little fella, but you’re going to have a tough time. You’ll have to get used to not really being ‘one of the guys’, so when they’re playing sports and making friends, you’ll need to concentrate on reading, video games, things like that. Hey there’s some great games out there, so the sky’s the limit, when you think about it. As you get older and the others start pairing off, you know, boys and girls and the circle of life and all that, hopefully you’ll have some hobbies by then that you can give your attention to. I pray you won’t have the anxiety issues that your old man has, otherwise you can forget about holding down a high-paying job. You’ll be lifting boxes for a living, and you’ll be working with big, strong guys, and they won’t be patient with you if you can’t keep up. Those big guys, they can afford to be lazy and dial it in some days, but you won’t be able to do that. Hell even if you manage to get a job where you can use your brain, statistics show that height still plays a big role in determining how far you’ll go, so… again, sorry, my son. However, I think you’ll agree that it would have been unethical to enhance – I mean, *modify* your genes before you were born. Also loooooool enjoy being diabetic lolololol!!!!! Don’t worry they gonna cure it soon, I been hearing that my whole life lololololol!!!!”

Oh and dear readers, just so you know – the comments section is reserved exclusively for ladies who want to claim they don’t like tall, muscular men! If you have anything to say other than that, take it to some other blog, okay!!!!!!!


Hoo wee, I got heated on this post! If you want to read some of my books and short stories – all of which were written while in a calm, collected state of mind unclouded by years of anger and resentment fueled by bad genes, you can check out my Amazon page HERE. In fact I have an entire series that involves genetic manipulation, and you can find it HERE.