By Kyle B. Stiff
Merry Christmas everyone! Well, actually, it’s not going to be merry because I’m going to ruin it – again – by proving that Home Alone is “problematic” to say the least. YouTube is doing a great job of using censorship to keep free speech from ruining America, but it turns out a neurotic fear of nationalism is not going to be enough to stop what is coming. That’s because every Christmas, Home Alone plays on cable and network television, and Home Alone is basically a right-wing recruitment video beamed directly into the minds of young men who, sadly, are inclined to protect their nation rather than let it degenerate into a progressive utopia.
Kevin McCallister, the protagonist of our tale, is fated to become a right-wing bigot, but he starts out as a libertarian individualist. He comes from a large, wealthy family oozing with privilege. They’re loud and pushy and vulgar and Kevin just wants to be left alone. When his family packs their bags to go be colonizers in a third-world dump, Kevin gets his wish for some alone time.
Like every naive, fun-loving libertarian, Kevin enjoys his newfound freedom. Though the pacing makes it seem like Kevin goes totally nuts when his family leaves, he doesn’t actually do anything too crazy. He orders pizzas, he plays some pranks, he watches some forbidden movies (fortunately he’s not a filthy coomer), and he does his own shopping on the free market. He’s fairly level-headed.
But the path from libertarian to right-wing fanatic is pretty well-documented at this point, and Kevin soon learns the same lesson that all libertarians learn. His home is targeted by two “urban youths” who have no interest in the marketplace of ideas. They can’t be reasoned with, and in fact they are so damaged inside that there is no place for them in a rational society. Kevin’s libertarian “live and let live” philosophy breaks down when it comes to dealing with these “urban youths”. Playtime is over, and he must endure a dark night of the soul, sitting at the bedside of his dying idealism as it metaphorically shits the bed.
Kevin does what every libertarian does when his values are destroyed by the reality of human stupidity and violence: He goes to church. In the past he may have laughed and mockingly tipped his fedora at the unwashed masses who believe in invisible things, but he is now in desperate need of something to hold onto. While at church he realizes that the backbone of civilization isn’t reddit and Bill Nye and video games, it isn’t a free market run by mercenary laborers and globalists, and it isn’t even tolerance or goodwill or white-knighting for the minority-of-the-week. It’s the Church. The Church is the one thing that brings all families together, and turns warring tribes into cooperative nations. When Kevin humbles himself before the cross and prays for deliverance from his enemies, he is radicalized by the ultimate enemy of all liberals: An old white man!
Kevin was once terrified of this old white man, and like all good libertarians he joined in with the liberals when they were gossiping and heaping shame on this harmless boomer. But now that he’s afraid, the scary old white man’s strange ideas no longer seem so strange. In fact, his weird ideas about the importance of family and the nature of human sin start making a lot of sense. As the scary old white man rambles on like a YouTube series featuring Alex Jones fused with Nick Fuentes, Kevin sees glimpses of a thousand mile wall separating his family from a rampaging horde of landless mercenaries, and at that moment Kevin finally understands the truth…
The only thing that can protect his home – is FORCE!
Kevin McCallister’s run home is of course one of the most powerful moments in cinema. The libertarian dream is over; Kevin knows that FAMILY is the only thing that matters. He draws up plans and arms himself for war, even putting on his grandfather’s old SS badge and Iron Cross (this was edited out after the theatrical release). As Kevin turns every entry point of his home into a death trap in an inspiring montage, one can almost hear “… the Wall just got ten feet higher!” echoing in the background.
The “urban youths” begin their rampage with guttural cries and pleas for handouts wrapped in a thin veil of threats. Kevin’s liberal neighbors know exactly what is happening, but instead of helping they hide under their beds and tweet about Orange Man Bad and Impeach Drumpf. But God is on Kevin’s side and even the old white man joins in the battle, forming a holy alliance of boomer and zoomer against criminal degeneracy. If anyone in the neighborhood filmed the battle then I have no doubt their video was immediately taken off YouTube by lefty Big Tech censorship, because they live in fear of what would happen if images of the impaled bodies of hardened criminals went viral while boomers and zoomers clasped hands like that Predator meme showing two musclebound arms locked in solidarity.
In the end, Kevin is reunited with his family. His mother hugs him even though he is covered in gore and the living room has been turned into a slaughterhouse filled with twitching limbs and the groans of the dying. She knows that despite slipping bluepills into his soyburgers and bug juice his entire life, he is now a man. His foreskin has been reclaimed and their family will continue to exist only because of little Kevin’s willingness to meet violence with violence. She stares at him in awe because she feared this moment would come. She had always imagined that the light of innocence would go out of his eyes after his baptism of blood – but instead, she is blinded by the radiant aura surrounding his being, filling their home with the divine joy of ten million Christmases safe within an American Empire spanning from one end of the galaxy to the other.