Alita: Battle Angel Is a Right Wing Trad Morality Play

By Kyle B. Stiff

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It’s no wonder the corporate overlords who dearly wanted us to accept Captain Marvel hated Alita so much! The story, an adaptation of a manga birthed in 1990 (practically the Reagan 80s!), shows us the dystopian hell we currently live in from the perspective of a good old-fashioned hero’s journey narrative which must be considered right wing – at least, from the modern perspective of far left extremism which has become the norm.

This one’s going to be a D*O*O*Z*I*E so please prepare yourself.

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As soon as she wakes up, it’s obvious that Alita isn’t an angry “don’t need no man” feminazi. She accepts Doctor Ido’s direction and she enjoys learning about the world she’s in. Ido, her adoptive father, represents the Patriarchy. He creates strict rules of conduct for Alita, including what she can eat and when she can leave the house. Sounds awful, right? The thing is, Doctor Ido knows the brutal truth about the world. He’s seen so many Scrapyard denizens get their heads beaten in and their limbs sold on the black market that he’s practically blackpilled and can no longer entertain any notions about the inherent goodness of humanity. But since he’s a good man with a strong spirit, knowing the truth about the world doesn’t make him bitter, it makes him generous and sympathetic to people with hard luck stories. That’s why he treats a laborer’s cyborg arm for nothing but a bag of oranges. He’s like a country doctor from the Norman Rockwell era. Of course, from the modern liberal perspective, he’s problematic (if not a Nazi) for not letting Alita live life on her terms. (Remember, from the left’s perspective, old is bad and stale, young is fresh and progressive.)

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But Alita is a strong-willed lady, and eventually she’s no longer satisfied with being Ido’s “precious little girl”. The conflict between them is interesting because Ido doesn’t understand that Alita has the sort of warrior spirit that can handle the harsh truth about the world. In fact, she was made to fight. Ido could keep chipping away at the evil that lurks in the shadows, but in the end, he’s never going to get anywhere. Why is that?

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It’s because – and write this down if you don’t know it already – men are capable of existing on the fringes, but women are the gatekeepers of the mainstream. Men can spin their wheels perfecting arguments for whatever they’re into, but without women, no movement will ever go anywhere. In terms of the contemporary culture warfare, conservative men can shitpost about liberal meltdowns and diversity malfunctions all day long, but until women start posting trad selfies on Instagram and writing blog posts about church picnics and advice for keeping anal fisting vids off of a child’s smartphone, you’re never going to hold your civilization together against endless hordes of indoctrinated diversity cultists and professors who hate their own nation. So even though it seems like a bad idea to let Alita see the truth, Ido has to trust that he’s not alone in his fight against lawlessness.

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There’s a plot point that could almost be its own story arc within an anti-feminist narrative that begins when Alita finds out women are being targeted by a serial killer. This is her bluepill moment – “Never trust men.” Then she finds out Doctor Ido goes out late at night, and comes home wounded – “Don’t even trust your own father!” Alita follows Ido and sees him stalking a woman – “A helpless victim!” Alita stops Ido from killing her – then Alita nearly chokes to death on a melon-sized redpill when she finds out the “helpless victim” is actually a member of a gang of murderers targeting Ido because they’re sick of him taking down criminals. Alita ends up in a vicious battle against a sickle-wielding, man-hating fembot, and even defends her own father. The analogy of zoomer ladies waking up to the feminist narrative kind of writes itself, it’s so obvious. It’s also worth noting that the fembot’s sickle echoes the sickle of the angel of death, the grim reaper, and the dark god Saturn worshipped by the elites, as well as the hammer and sickle of Communism, as well as the crescent of Islam. Hmm… that’s weird, it’s almost like symbols reveal truth, and our arch-nemesis always carries a sickle.

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Alita demolishes her opponents and saves Ido. So while Alita is a strong female, and it might seem weird that this movie wasn’t pushed by the left, just remember that it isn’t really “strong females” that feminists or lefties want to see in film. They want to see women beating the shit out of men (who are all rapists) while wearing sunglasses and showing no emotion except cold fury. Alita is far too warm-hearted to exist within a feminist framework. She likes her neighborhood and her dad and eating food for the first time. She’s emotionally stable rather than broken or dead inside. When compared to Captain Marvel’s “Karen who wants to speak to the manager” personality, it’s night and day. This story comes from a bygone era, continuing sci-fi’s long tradition of showing strong females, but without the gender studies course in victimization.

In fact, near the end of the film when Alita’s problems are piling on top of her, Ido tells her, “Never feel sorry for yourself.”

Talk about anti-feminist! Um, isn’t, like, figuring out how you’re a victim kind of the whole point?!

 

THE SAD TALE OF HUGO

Now we’ve got to talk about Hugo. Hugo may seem like a Chad who’s smooth with the ladies and knows all the cool joints, but the key to understanding him is knowing that he has ingested a toxic dose of bluepills. His sad fate is imminent and unavoidable. His character is perfectly laid out in the scene in which he takes Alita on top of a building. “Look at that view,” he says. Alita looks out over the entire Scrapyard, which is a total dump, really, but she says, “Wow! Really cool!” Hugo then corrects her by saying, “No, look. THAT view,” then points out Zalem (I think that’s what it was called in the film version). Zalem is a floating city where the unseen rulers of the Scrapyard dwell. It’s assumed that they live lives of ease and plenty, far above the petty squabbles of the earth. Hugo desperately wants a new life in the floating city, whereas Alita is capable of seeing the mess of the real world and accepting it as it is.

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Hugo wants a better life, but one of life’s most important lessons is that there is no such thing as a “better life”. Accepting the world as it is, even though it’s imperfect, is the essence of what is called the redpill. History has shown us time and again that you can never “immanentize the eschaton” or create heaven on earth, as it always ends in misery and death. Historical examples include every Communist revolution.

Hugo’s state of mind is the unfortunate result of liberal indoctrination. “You going to live by his rules, or yours?” he asks Alita, challenging her to throw off Ido’s shackles and live in a state of absolute (and unrealistic) freedom. Also look at his scrimmage sportsball game in which men and women play together. His game results in men constantly dunking on women, yet he is somehow oblivious to this frequent occurrence. Perhaps he believes that all men and women are interchangeable athletic units that can be mixed and matched without limit?

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Hugo is the ubiquitous lefty “useful idiot” you see so often defending the very people who want to enslave or even kill him – which would be Vector in this story. Vector is the liberal elite handing out dreams of a better world as he works toward monopolizing all wealth under his control. Vector is the reason “useful idiots” ends up scratching their head when every Communist revolution results in brutal dictatorships where wealth is controlled by those at the very top while those at the middle and bottom get to live in a police state or in death camps that will later be hidden by mainstream media and lefty academia.

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However – Hugo is not a bad person! This is very, very important to understand. Conservatives spend way too much time arguing with liberals who are notorious for being unable to defend their views outside of the academic bubble. Twitter and YouTube are great examples of mainstream liberals backed by corporate powers pushing goofball opinions, only to be mocked ruthlessly by right-wingers and even just unindoctrinated moderates, who then have to be censored or de-platformed in order to stop any counterargument. It’s easy to get angry with the powers-that-be, but in some sense it’s intensely cruel to argue with liberals who actually need to be protected, not beaten. They’re not the enemy. In fact, like Hugo, they never had a chance!

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It’s interesting to note that when Hugo is being hunted, he runs to a church. Hugo runs to the thing that represents shelter, sanctuary… actually the pillar of civilization (sorry atheists, it’s true, even if the turbodweebs in lab coats disagree). Once Hugo is in church, he’s no longer the strutting “ehhhh who makin da rules aroun here” tough guy, but a remorseful, lost soul who finally realizes he is imperfect – that is, sinful. He stops telling himself a bullshit story about how great everything is going to be (at least for now) and is finally honest about what he really is. And since Alita doesn’t live inside a manufactured bubble, but is in touch with the harsh nature of reality, she is able to accept him as he is.

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Now, this may be a stretch (as if the rest of this piece isn’t a stretch), but when Zapan puts Alita in a situation in which she has to kill Hugo, it’s a perfect example of conservatives letting themselves be controlled by corporate interests. Zapan fools her into doing the equivalent of directing her anger at indoctrinated liberals rather than globalist corporations and international players who hate independent nations (especially America). Of course nobody except the people at the very top give a damn about the GDP, but modern American conservatives have found themselves in the odd situation in which they support giant corporations – and guess what, those giant corporations support open borders, importing cheap foreign labor, even abortions on a mass scale for the selling of organs and tissue. It’s always odd to see conservatives fighting for corporate rights, but then again, maybe it’s not that odd because I guess I used to be one of those guys. In this scene, Zapan is nothing but a corporate whore. He’s a narcissist (“My face!”) who doesn’t give a damn about anyone’s life, but he has Alita in a moral bind; he perverts her natural aggression, which should be directed at true evil, by directing it at poor dumb Hugo.

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But once they get Hugo under control (sort of), Doctor Ido once again writes a prescription for redpills. He says, “Vector was running a scam. If you’re born on the ground, you stay on the ground.” Turns out there’s no way out of the Scrapyard (the real world). In terms of our world, Doctor Ido is saying that instead of dreaming of a world in which you kill the rich and plunder their money, and whooooops also destroy your own nation in the process, it’s better to live a good life, take care of your family, stay connected to your people, and protect your borders. Be careful of stupid ideologies that make you hate yourself or your nation, no matter who is selling the ideology.

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I don’t want to dwell on Hugo’s fate, but he definitely experiences a post-Presidential election meltdown when he’s walking along the supply tube. It’s important to note that he was given a robot body because his head was disconnected from his body – meaning he was too much in his own head, and was fatally disconnected from reality. Such a shame! It’s really a grim reminder that instead of sitting back and laughing at these people on social media, we actually need to save them from the mind virus that makes them worship Zalem rather than connect with the Scrapyard of reality.

Ah, before I end my rant on Hugo, I have to point out the funniest part of the movie. One of the girls in Hugo’s crew asks her friend why he doesn’t like Alita. He says that she was a member of URM, a wielder of the deadly Panzer Kunst… basically a Martian space Nazi! In fact, wasn’t she sent to kill them?!? The girl’s redpilled response?

“Yeah, like three hundred years ago. Get over it!”

Imagine… a Hollywood film actually ridiculing the left’s eternal boogeyman, which they think is still out there, just waiting for the opportunity to get them!

 

THE HUNTER-WARRIORS

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“Before the Fall, there were police to stop criminals. Now the Factory pays us to do the dirty work.” Ido reveals the truth about the lawlessness thriving in the Scrapyard. This is the logical conclusion of the anti-police narrative that we are bombarded with daily: Mercenary thugs without any moral compunction are brought in and paid to stomp anything that doesn’t benefit the corporate overlords. Remember, the anti-police narrative doesn’t come out of a vacuum; it’s packaged for your consumption with an end goal in mind. Eventually a powerful corporation will step in with its own solution, and a population of bugmen will support it because they don’t understand the brutal reality of the streets and the necessity of violence.

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Note that in the Scrapyard, guns are illegal. In a lefty sci-fi story, making guns illegal would result in a utopian Star Trek future. In our right wing Alita tale, firearm monopolization creates an environment in which the strong prey on the weak with impunity. This is of course common sense to anyone who hasn’t been indoctrinated. Guns aren’t targeted by the elite because they want to reduce crime, they’re targeted because a corrupt ruling class always fears an uprising. In Alita’s world, Zapan and the other super-powered cyborgs who serve corporate interests use hand-to-hand weapons. Remember, only the strong can use hand-to-hand weapons. They aren’t for people like you – peasants and common laborers. Guns are an interesting thing, like divine tools of holy empowerment that even the weak can use them to defend themselves. From that perspective, why in the world would bad guys want you to have them?

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There’s an interesting and sad scene where Alita tries to unite the hunter-warriors against a common foe. In the past, hunter-warrior types would have been drawn into the military and turned into team-players fighting on behalf of their nation, but in the dystopian Scrapyard, these rough guardians have become corporate whores who won’t do anything unless there’s money involved. There’s no unity, as they’ve been atomized. They are essentially “rugged individualists” disconnected from their own people. One could make the argument that they’re analogous to modern Republicans – they’re tough and their genes are functional, they’re natural survivors, but at the end of the day they serve Israel rather than their own community.

 

DOCTOR NOVA AND THE CULT OF THE WATCHERS

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For anyone who isn’t completely oblivious, there’s a blackmail cult running the human farm we live in, and one of its main symbols is an eye inside a pyramid. You see it all the time in movies and music videos, and it pops up more frequently every day. The arrest of Epstein, the fall of NXIVM, and all the “pizza” enthusiasts cleaning up their Twitter profiles and pushing the big tech left to squash pizza-related conversations on YouTube only makes it more and more obvious, but still, I guess at this point you either see it or you don’t. There’s a chunk of our Alita story that focuses on this, so if this next segment stretches your credulity, let’s just say that *some people* believe in this conspiracy, therefore, it has at least some symbolic merit.

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The villain behind all villains is Doctor Nova. Ido calls Nova “the watcher behind the eyes.” This is of course a direct reference to the all-seeing eye of the ancient death cult that has the world in its grip, and no, I’m not referring to the movie. Only conservatives tend to see this stuff, so it’s appropriate that our right-leaning tale has the all-seeing Eye omnipresent in the background. (The same goes for Lord of the Rings, another right wing tale which features the Eye of Sauron.) Note that Doctor Nova is capable of “possessing” those who have submitted to him, which is a direct reference to demonic or spiritual possession.

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Did you notice that even Alita wears a t-shirt with a triangle that has another tiny, off-center triangle inside of it? This could be a reference to the swirl or hypnotic spiral inside of a triangle, used by pedophiles and pizza enthusiasts to signal to one another (according to the FBI), or the shape could be construed as an eye within a pyramid, or it could be both. It may seem strange that our good-hearted hero Alita would wear a shirt like this, but note that she wears it when she’s listening to Hugo talk about his delusional dreams of getting into a better world. Hugo is effectively hypnotizing Alita and, since our story is right wing, that means it operates from the perspective that *no one is without sin*. This scene shows that anyone can be fooled by the ancient death cult before they wake up – even a hero!

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Vector, a figurehead of both the Factory and the black market, serves Doctor Nova, but Chiren, Ido’s ex-wife and former citizen of Zalem, also serves him. She has an interesting story arc. Vector tempts Chiren with a vision of a perfect world, and all she has to do in return is create monsters. She’s desperate to return to Zalem, so she submits. She later grows a conscience and lets Alita live, and when Vector (or Nova) asks her why, she says, “Because I’m a doctor (meaning: she preserves life), and a mother. Somehow I forgot that.” Remembering is the key to unraveling the lies of greedy psychopaths like Vector who serve Doctor Nova, because they always want you to forget who you are. Vector tries one more time to draw her into the dream of a better world, and she says, “What I want… it isn’t up there.” BAM! Just like that, she gives up on the foolish dream of a world without pain and struggle. This is the thing that all Commies struggle with. They just can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that you can’t make heaven on earth without hurting a lot of people. You can only try your best to live a good and moral life within the confines of reality (which is the Scrapyard in our tale).

 

ALITA’S STRENGTH COMES FROM THE PAST, NOT THE FUTURE

Alita has a special heart enhanced by technology from a bygone era, making it strong enough to power an entire city, according to Doctor Ido. Such technology can no longer be duplicated. Alita’s heart is strong because it was made before the Fall, that is, before corporate powers and the cult of diversity took over and turned civilization into a third-world shithole. What this means is that Alita’s strength comes from the past, from her history, which is the thing that right-wingers are so obsessed with discovering, and that left-wing types hate.

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It’s the difference between trying to remember or preserve history versus constructing history as you want it. Not only does Alita discover the Berserker body (the weapon of her people) inside a forgotten ship, but eventually she even retrieves her true self from the past. That is, of course, the only way to discover your true self: Not by daydreaming about a perfect self fit for a utopian future, but by taking an honest look at the path that formed you, warts and all. Culturally, understanding doesn’t come from tearing down statues and historical landmarks, but from studying why and how those landmarks were made – and not necessarily from the judgmental perspective of assumed superiority.

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But, back to Alita’s heart, and Ido’s assertion that it could provide power for the entire city. This means that as long as a person’s emotional center is in the right place, then they can uphold the foundation of civilization. Just as culture is made up of symbols, civilization is made up of its people’s emotional balance. If that emotional center is destroyed, then your people are fragmented, and you’re left with bugmen who can be manipulated, made to hate themselves, and made to hate their nation or even civilization in general. Just think back to how many indoctrinated people you’ve heard say they wish civilization would fall so that “something better can come out of it.” I’ve heard this from many people, which is odd, because when you take a look at history, “something better” doesn’t come out of the ruins of fallen civilizations.

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Also note how head-oriented Doctor Nova is. After Doctor Ido points out the remarkable power of Alita’s heart, the scene is immediately followed by one in which Doctor Nova says that Alita’s power is in her mind. Of course it’s a common position to stand in awe of the human mind, and this comes from both the right and the left, but ultimately I think Ido is right. A mind can be tricked, deluded, even indoctrinated. Emotions simply are, and nations rise or fall depending on their emotional centers. Also note the pride liberals feel regarding their academic degrees – it’s all head-oriented.

Regarding history, the basic left/right split is: Either turn the world into what you want it to be (the left) versus seeing the bitter truths about the world and accepting things as they are (the right). The left’s focus on turning the world into what they want it to be is why they talk about “progress” and frequently mention the “current year” as if they are on a timetable, and they expect cultural changes to stay on schedule. The right’s focus on seeing things as they are, including the flaws in human nature, is why they often mention taking the “redpill” and calling people “sheeple” for not waking up to reality, and why they obsess over untangling the threads of history to understand the modern era. 

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CONCLUSION

Alita: Battle Angel is a breath of fresh air after the past few years of Hollywood force-feeding us a lefty stew of Things We Must Believe, including superhuman Karens who will curb stomp any man who dares stand between her and the manager. But this film isn’t perfect. Other than the main characters, the costume design is freaking awful. There are people dressed up like you or me walking around in the Scrapyard five hundred years from now. How is that possible? Unfortunately we may see more “budget” costume design as Hollywood is forced to tighten its belt. People aren’t going to the movies anymore, so the trend of making movies bigger and bolder with each passing year may be at an end. Of course, Hollywood could turn the money-printing machine back on any time they want, but they would have to give up on the weird lefty shit that they’re obsessed with. And that’s not going to happen!

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And keep in mind, all of the right-leaning stuff in this film is completely accidental. I guarantee you that everyone on set considered suicide on the fateful night of the presidential election. Even though the Scrapyard is a dump of violent diversity, where people would inevitably form ethnic enclaves that don’t communicate with one another except through force, the Alita movie tries to show people smiling and enjoying themselves. Even though the story is inherently right wing, it was still made within the milieu of left wing Hollywood where forced diversity is worshipped and entire civilizations are gleefully sacrificed on the altar of progress *just because*.

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Even though Alita: Battle Angel has taken heat because it has actual fans (rather than the fans and reviews manufactured for the benefit of Captain Marvel), it’s interesting to note that Blade Runner 2049 was way more right-leaning (again, most likely by accident) and yet it hasn’t been targeted by the thoughtpolice. Rather than a multicultural dump filled with smiling faces, Blade Runner 2049 (jokingly referred to as Pol: The Movie) depicted a world in which a social outcast straight white male was heckled as he made his way through a gauntlet of diversity. He worked to uphold civilization and was hated for it. His wife was so trad, she wasn’t even real. He obsessively pieced together his past, often looking like a complete conspiracy nut. He even got into a testosterone-fueled fist-fight with his “dad”!

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Still, mainstream media hasn’t done any hit pieces on Blade Runner 2049’s right-leaning narrative because it wasn’t released at the same time as Captain Marvel, thus it did not challenge the diversity narrative by getting in the way of its revenue.

 

BONUS MATERIAL: ONE LAST WILD IDEA

Actually, I’ve remained level-headed throughout this piece (right?), but I just had a wild idea that may or may not be true. I want to throw it out there just to see if I can get a reaction. The idea is: All stories about time travel are inherently left-leaning (because you’re editing the past in order to control the future), and all stories about amnesia are inherently right-leaning (because you’re piecing together historical truth, identity, and even the threads of a conspiracy theory).

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Star Trek and Harry Potter, both extremely lefty, contain plenty of time travel. I wouldn’t have thought that Back to the Future was lefty until recently, when I went back to watch the second one, and was shocked to see Biff Tannen as a stand-in for President Trump turning America into some kind of gun-slinging warzone where a teacher is hunted like an animal – a liberal fever dream based on histrionic fear of authority.

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As for conservative stories of amnesia, other than Alita, off the top of my head there’s Memento, about a man’s quest for revenge against the person who destroyed his family (which includes crime, family, conspiracy, and bloody justice – all right-leaning themes), and he has to face the awful truth about himself (he is flawed, which is also a very conservative theme). There’s Silent Hill 2, a video game about a man trying to put his family back together and has to come to terms with the fact that he destroyed his own family (history, family, the bitter truth – all conservative themes). There’s also Robocop, about a family man and normal-cop who becomes a robo-cop after he is killed and resurrected (!!!) and puts together the pieces of his past by blowing away criminals. The story isn’t friendly to the free market, but then again, not every conservative is a corporate whore.

Am I completely crazy with this idea? I can’t think of any story that destroys the pattern!

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Facebook Content Moderators Live in Hell… Time to Celebrate!

By Kyle B. Stiff

I just found some pure comedy gold wandering the internets! There’s a story about the people who moderate content on facebook, and if you’ve ever wondered why your feed is relentlessly boring – it’s their fault! The story can be read HERE. It’s worth a read if you like free speech and free thought, because it turns out that the people who need their content moderated end up doing the job of moderating content (because why wouldn’t they?) and then, of course, they get traumatized because they have to look at spicy videos all day long. They’re all softies constantly on the verge of a panic attack because they saw a spicy video that they can’t handle, but they don’t see the irony in the fact that they are the people who require content to be strictly controlled. Their dumb job is their karma and they don’t even know it.

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You want to make my facebook feed boring? Good for you… you get to live in hell!

These moderators most likely believe that a normal person can accidentally see one spicy video or one spicy meme too many and then become a violent psychopath. This dumb idea is so prevalent that once you realize people believe it, you’ll spot it all the time. And the belief that people are infinitely malleable comes from the unexamined belief that people are products of their environment. We’re not. Our personality is front-loaded from the get-go and we turn our environment into a reflection of what’s going on inside of us.

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This is probably why you hear a lot of talk about how bad people are, how un-progressive they are, they’re a plague on the earth, etc. There’s a war on for your mind and we constantly disappoint those who have a controlling mentality, because you can only get people to go along with your idea of right and wrong for a short amount of time. Pull people along one way, and they’ll inevitably pull back the other way. This is endlessly frustrating for domineering do-gooders, but it’s actually one of the best things about the human species. Our impulse to stick to our true nature protects us from a nightmarish timeline in which we become the puppets of megalomaniacs for all eternity. Fortunately those timelines never last. What’s more common is that some people will get involved in a cult and everyone else will relentlessly make fun of them. Humor is a reminder to not go too far in your quest to carve an image of yourself that’s so perfect that you want to worship it. The idol always looks more goofball than you realize.

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One thing I’ve noticed about myself, and maybe it’s true for other people who are drawn to spicy videos, is an obsession with the ugly truth. The world can be pretty horrifying and I guess it kind of makes sense to create a cushion, and hell I like to be comforted too, but I hate the feeling that I’m being lied to or that I’m not allowed to sit at the Big Boys’ Table because I’m too weak to handle the scary ideas. I want to know the scary things. It’s a lot healthier to watch a spicy video about a shooting over a mattress left in an alley, or even the awful execution of those two poor Scandinavian girls in Morocco than it is not knowing how violent the world can be. Life is rough and it’s good to be reminded of that, even if from a safe distance.

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Another thing about spicy videos. I think the people who want to limit the public’s access to spicy videos have a bizarre fear that people actually enjoy them. Maybe some sick fucks genuinely enjoy them, maybe they pop some popcorn and get cozy on the couch while watching Haitian Machete Execution Compilation #7: The Un-Legging Edition, but for most people who are drawn to spicy videos, it’s more of a nauseating fascination. You watch it once, you get the gist of it, you learn the lesson, and then you never need to see it again.

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But these poor dingalings in the article, they’re so sensitive that spicy videos end up battering their consciousness and shredding their auras. The freak-out incidents alone make the article worth reading, with people threatening each other in the parking lot or having sex in the bathroom because reasons. It would be sad if they were doing something good for humanity, making sacrifices for others, etc, but since you know they think the human mind is a bonsai tree and it’s their job to prune it and shape it, it leads to a lot of unintentional comedy. They don’t have a hunger for truth, but rather, an intense desire for comfort.

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Notice that the writer of the article never questions whether social media needs to be censored, he just plays his sad violin over the office stooges who have to do the censoring. “Won’t you think of the poor censors?” he seems to ask. This attitude is increasingly common among journalists – a lack of self-awareness regarding how deeply enmeshed they are in their own worldview. He doesn’t understand that nobody gives a fwack about somebody getting paid to silence you in order to bolster the illusion that you live in a safe and progressive world, and anyone who says otherwise is a regressive meany who like totally needs to shut up already (omg)! The writer of this piece is the sort of bugman who would have absolutely no qualms with living in a world in which an “elite” class, or even an AI, controlled all of our outlets of free speech, scrubbing everything clean and making sure nobody is ever offended or sees something that challenges their belief in a world without sharp edges, and of course doxxing and non-personing anyone who doesn’t want Earth to become… well, what every place becomes when people with good intentions gain power! (Hint: It rhymes with “third-world shithole.”)

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Journalists don’t like the “learn to code” meme, but if they keep believing that everyone but them should be censored, then pretty soon the “learn to code” meme is going to be upgraded to “learn to suicide”!

Left and Right Working Together?

I was watching Daredevil last night and I had this idea about politics, and it’s not super well-thought out but I thought I’d run it by you guys. The idea is that conservatives and liberals both have their own spheres of expertise, and arguments happen when they overstep their boundaries and get in each other’s way. I had this idea of nations (or even villages or whatever) as a soft center with a hard defensive ring around it.

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A liberal’s sphere would be the soft center. The liberal makes sure the village (or whatever) is nice to be in. Everybody has a good time, life isn’t extremely unfair, people have rights, there’s public works and projects you can put money into, artists get looked after, the old and the weak are taken care of, stuff like that. A conservative’s sphere would be the hard outer ring, and their job would be to defend the soft center. Being hardasses, sending out warnings to outsiders who get too close, making judgment calls on who should be killed or detained, deciding how raids should be carried out, questioning ideas or plans made by people outside the ring who want to come inside the ring, enforcing rules with the right amount of severity so that the group is protected, that would be their area.

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Both groups are perfectly suited for their areas, and totally unsuited for the other’s area. A liberal working in the outer defensive ring would let their empathy run away with them and let outsiders do what they want to the outer ring, thus endangering the entire village. A conservative who dicks around in the soft center would start trying to “lay down the law” on shit he has no idea about, like reproductive systems, Dungeons and Dragons, who’s bangin’ who in an unorthodox manner, what music people can listen to, and pretty soon the soft center would become hellish and unfit to live in.

I think this might be a good system because no one “side” has to beat the other “side”. As it is now, liberals and conservatives are in a desperate deathmatch, but it’s like an MMA fighter against a WWF wrestler in a rap battle. They’re thinking and acting using completely different sets of rules because they see the world in completely different ways. No side can ever “beat” the other side; the only thing they can do is ramp up the intensity of the argument and make things uncomfortable for someone like me. Of course, in order for an idea like this to work, people with opposing views (actually, opposing brain types, I think) would have to be able to chill out and see the value of the opposing side. That doesn’t mean you have to “give in” to the other side, you don’t even have to agree that they might be right, you just have to see their potential value to the tribe.

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Like I was saying, I was watching Daredevil (beginning of season 2 so, SPOILER ALERT and also DON’T SPOIL IT FOR ME) and saw the incredible second battle between Daredevil and the Punisher which is followed by a great argument that made me extremely uncomfortable but was so inspiring. Of course the whole thing is Daredevil’s “don’t kill people” philosophy versus Punisher’s “kill bad people so they don’t kill good people” philosophy. Punisher said something incredibly insightful: “You don’t get to pick what makes you whole.” Bam! Right there. It doesn’t matter how much Daredevil argues with him, or how sane and rational he thinks he is, in the end, the Punisher is made for living in the outer defensive ring of the village. He won’t feel alive unless he knows he’s protecting the soft center though incredible acts of unbelievable violence. The series does a great job of showing how disturbing the Punisher’s life is, with crime scene photos of mutilated bodies covered in gore, which is also counterbalanced by seeing criminals running and hiding and fearing for their life (loved seeing that one guy shit his pants when he realized the Punisher really was going to walk into a hospital with a shotgun and blast him – there was nowhere he could hide).

Daredevil made some good arguments too, though – as long as you live in the soft center. There is always good in people, and you have to trust your species and see the good in them. Everyone deserves a chance. Of course, his argument is a little awkward, because he’s fighting crime but not killing anyone, which only makes sense if you have superpowers (most people don’t), and doesn’t really work on the outer defensive ring.

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Oh yeah, I also thought this might be a good system to work within just in case of alien invasion, which I think is inevitable. And yes I mean the UFOs from Mars variety (“They said alien and Vasquez thought they said illegal alien…”). It would be better if our different brain types (in this case, liberal and conservative) each knew their appropriate area so that we could work better together against alien invasion, rather than let aliens play both sides against the other while they divide our resources among themselves. I see people having meltdowns now, but in the future, every living person will live deep underground and they’ll look at old photos of us strutting around on the surface of the planet, and while they work on assembly lines to make laser rifles and mini-nukes they will wish that they could have lived in our time – yes, the very time that everyone is currently complaining about. They will wonder what everyone was bitching and moaning about because they will be worried about creatures burrowing down from the surface and possibly attacking one of the child care centers, which is the worst possible scenario for any underground bunker city.

A VR Sim for Those Who Think that Politics Is Real

Game developers should make a virtual reality simulation for people who enjoy the endorphin rush of outrage.

The simulation would have to be so engaging that it draws everybody deeply entrenched in the cult of politics out of everybody else’s way. Imagine if facebook or twitter were filled with people living unique lives with interesting perspectives! Instead, both forums are a series of endless arguments and troll-wars and preachy moralizing between the two most bottom-of-the-barrel, played out perspectives that ever simplified the unimaginably complex human narrative: the old liberal versus conservative paradigm. What a shame!

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VR Sim: Politics Is Real would be a two-disc set, with one set of games for liberals and another set for conservatives. Pick your poison! There would be many games on each disc. Here are some game ideas, in no particular order.

For liberals, a game called RE-EDUCATION CAMP. The point of this game would be to find people who are not one hundred percent on board with a futuristic utopian society and put them in re-education camps. The guests at the camps must be turned into good human beings through hard labor, food restriction, and challenging indoctrination mini-games.

For conservatives, a war sim called CALL OF JESUS: MODERN WARGOD. This highly popular game would be a perfect way to get ultra-conservatives from the world’s most annoying religions – Christianity, Islam, and Judaism – and stick them in a world where they can kill one another over and over and over again while leaving everybody else free to relax and read a book or take a dog on a walk.

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For liberals, a game called ESCAPE FROM KITCHEN. In this game, a female protagonist has been chained to an oven by an evil husband who guards the exit. The player will have to use their wits to avoid making her captor anything to eat, thus starving him to death while avoiding starvation herself. Once the cell phone item has been found, the player will be able to eat food by downloading it from Pinterest photos. Other bonus power-ups: college diploma, CEO suit, and abortion machine.

For conservatives, a game called DON’T BE GAY. The point of this game would be to navigate a labyrinth full of homoerotic imagery and tantalizingly forbidden sights, but still make the choice to be a straight man. Successfully getting through the labyrinth would require you to move away from monsters that look like physically fit, scantily clad young men, and yet somehow not have sex with them. Occasionally the player would find an “assault rifle” power-up that would allow them to rack up points by shooting homosexuals, sort of like when Pac-Man ate a magical bean or whatever and was able to eat ghosts for a limited time.

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For liberals, a game called FANTASTIC RACIST VOYAGE. In this game, racism has nearly been eradicated, but a few molecules of racism still exist deep inside one single human being. Players are shrunk down and injected into the body of this individual, and they must cooperate to hunt down the last few molecules of racism and blast them before they can grow into racism-cancer and spread from host to host, once again turning humanity into a bunch of shitty, awful racists. The player will only have about five minutes to hunt down this facet of humanity that has slowly formed over hundreds of thousands of years, so it will be a really pulse-pounding race against time.

For conservatives, a game called FRATERNAL ORDER OF THE BROTHERHOOD. In this game you enroll in a fraternity and engage in a series of drinking games while avoiding taking any classes or learning anything about the knowledge your species has accumulated over thousands of years. At the end of the game you become so inebriated that you can barely even see the family business you inherit.

For liberals, a game called LOVE-COP. “Part man, part liberal, all cop,” is the tagline. In this game, the player would be a police officer patrolling a dangerous neighborhood armed only with hugs and good intentions. I’m sort of drawing a blank on this one… other than crawling into a sewer drain and waiting until your shift is over, I’m not sure how the player would survive. Ultimately I think the game would turn into a shooter, but with little hearts rather than bullets taking down violent perpetrators.

For conservatives, a game called ALWAYS A REBEL (SOMETIMES). In this game, every stage begins with a rousing quote from the freedom-loving founding fathers. The player will be filled with a sense that they should fight to pursue happiness based on their individual will. But then the gameplay will juxtapose that with a grueling level-grinding system in places like military bases, corporate offices, and churches. The classic gameplay design “A jumps, B shoots” will be replaced with “A means ‘yes sir!’ and B proudly tows the line.” How much of a rules-obeying lickspittle can you be for your corporate masters? Are you willing to defend freedom and human dignity by shining your military officer’s shoes like a good boy? Gameplay will do another 180 during boss-fights against pacifists, hippies, people from technologically undeveloped nations unlucky enough to be sitting on valuable resources, and women who ruin football season by speaking out against wealthy rapist athletes. In those instances, players will have to ruthlessly smash any opposition by generally being a shitty person.

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For liberals, a game called GENDERFLUX. Since gender isn’t based on biology, but on social conditioning, players will have to give a child the freedom to choose their own gender by indoctrinating them into believing they are a different gender than they appear to be. Keeping toy guns and cars away from boys, and dolls and cooking sets and anything pink away from girls, is a must in this Super Mario-inspired run-and-jump game that shows you how shitty you are for assuming Mario is a man and the Princess is a woman.

For conservatives, a military shooter with the challenge rating turned all the way down. The player is a soldier equipped with modern weapons and dozens of heavily equipped allies, and even tanks and helicopters, in an endless war against outnumbered enemies equipped with Stone Age weapons or a few shoddy firearms cobbled together during the Cold War. If the player ever feels the least bit challenged, he can call in an airstrike from a stealth bomber flying so fast and so far above the playing field that the enemy cannot even target them. All boss fights are merely accidental friendly fire incidents due to some levels being so choked by friendly units. Every stage begins with a briefing given by a military commander who has an extreme right-wing Israeli politician whispering in his ear.

For liberals, a game called EVERY CULTURE IS GREAT EXCEPT YOURS. A game inspired by Civilization in which players don’t manage their own civilization, but everyone else’s. Players will work hard to promote and cultivate computer-controlled opponents who gratefully accept resources and charity workers. Players will have to ignore the advancements of their own civilization with a series of eye-rolling and head-shaking as they accumulate Guilt Points. The player can gain Smug Self-Satisfaction points for ignoring or downplaying the atrocities committed by other civilizations.

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For conservatives, a game called ONLY AMERICA EXISTS. In this Civilization-inspired game, computer controlled opponents do not look like humans, but instead look like the resources they have. The player already begins the game with an incredible array of military units, but the challenge of turning the whole world into one giant red, white, and blue paradise comes from your own limp-wristed, gutless, whiny civilian populace, who have to be carefully managed. Getting resources won’t be easy. Instead of developing Achievements or Great Wonders, the player will have to develop a research tree that includes carefully controlled narratives, media manipulations, and Political Hero units who can say incredibly simple jingoistic phrases that will get people excited about stealing resources from other nations – or, rather, liberating foreign people from tyrants who oppose freedom and democracy.

The trailer for the liberal set of games would show a group of Democratic politicians hugging each other and petting a group of deer peacefully making their way through the senate building. “Let’s pass a bill that will create world peace and end hunger and equalize equality equally everywhere!” one of the peaceful Democrats would say. Then a terrible shadow would fill the room and a Republican with glowing red eyes would say, “I’LL GO ALONG WITH THAT… BUT ONLY IF WE EDIT THE BILL, EVER SO SLIGHTLY, TO INCLUDE DEATH CAMPS FOR ALL POOR PEOPLE AND MINORITIES! HA HA HAAAA!!!”

Well dear reader, the flow of ideas has suddenly ended, so I’ll end this here. If you hated this, please let me know.