Alita: Battle Angel Is a Right Wing Trad Morality Play

By Kyle B. Stiff

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It’s no wonder the corporate overlords who dearly wanted us to accept Captain Marvel hated Alita so much! The story, an adaptation of a manga birthed in 1990 (practically the Reagan 80s!), shows us the dystopian hell we currently live in from the perspective of a good old-fashioned hero’s journey narrative which must be considered right wing – at least, from the modern perspective of far left extremism which has become the norm.

This one’s going to be a D*O*O*Z*I*E so please prepare yourself.

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As soon as she wakes up, it’s obvious that Alita isn’t an angry “don’t need no man” feminazi. She accepts Doctor Ido’s direction and she enjoys learning about the world she’s in. Ido, her adoptive father, represents the Patriarchy. He creates strict rules of conduct for Alita, including what she can eat and when she can leave the house. Sounds awful, right? The thing is, Doctor Ido knows the brutal truth about the world. He’s seen so many Scrapyard denizens get their heads beaten in and their limbs sold on the black market that he’s practically blackpilled and can no longer entertain any notions about the inherent goodness of humanity. But since he’s a good man with a strong spirit, knowing the truth about the world doesn’t make him bitter, it makes him generous and sympathetic to people with hard luck stories. That’s why he treats a laborer’s cyborg arm for nothing but a bag of oranges. He’s like a country doctor from the Norman Rockwell era. Of course, from the modern liberal perspective, he’s problematic (if not a Nazi) for not letting Alita live life on her terms. (Remember, from the left’s perspective, old is bad and stale, young is fresh and progressive.)

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But Alita is a strong-willed lady, and eventually she’s no longer satisfied with being Ido’s “precious little girl”. The conflict between them is interesting because Ido doesn’t understand that Alita has the sort of warrior spirit that can handle the harsh truth about the world. In fact, she was made to fight. Ido could keep chipping away at the evil that lurks in the shadows, but in the end, he’s never going to get anywhere. Why is that?

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It’s because – and write this down if you don’t know it already – men are capable of existing on the fringes, but women are the gatekeepers of the mainstream. Men can spin their wheels perfecting arguments for whatever they’re into, but without women, no movement will ever go anywhere. In terms of the contemporary culture warfare, conservative men can shitpost about liberal meltdowns and diversity malfunctions all day long, but until women start posting trad selfies on Instagram and writing blog posts about church picnics and advice for keeping anal fisting vids off of a child’s smartphone, you’re never going to hold your civilization together against endless hordes of indoctrinated diversity cultists and professors who hate their own nation. So even though it seems like a bad idea to let Alita see the truth, Ido has to trust that he’s not alone in his fight against lawlessness.

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There’s a plot point that could almost be its own story arc within an anti-feminist narrative that begins when Alita finds out women are being targeted by a serial killer. This is her bluepill moment – “Never trust men.” Then she finds out Doctor Ido goes out late at night, and comes home wounded – “Don’t even trust your own father!” Alita follows Ido and sees him stalking a woman – “A helpless victim!” Alita stops Ido from killing her – then Alita nearly chokes to death on a melon-sized redpill when she finds out the “helpless victim” is actually a member of a gang of murderers targeting Ido because they’re sick of him taking down criminals. Alita ends up in a vicious battle against a sickle-wielding, man-hating fembot, and even defends her own father. The analogy of zoomer ladies waking up to the feminist narrative kind of writes itself, it’s so obvious. It’s also worth noting that the fembot’s sickle echoes the sickle of the angel of death, the grim reaper, and the dark god Saturn worshipped by the elites, as well as the hammer and sickle of Communism, as well as the crescent of Islam. Hmm… that’s weird, it’s almost like symbols reveal truth, and our arch-nemesis always carries a sickle.

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Alita demolishes her opponents and saves Ido. So while Alita is a strong female, and it might seem weird that this movie wasn’t pushed by the left, just remember that it isn’t really “strong females” that feminists or lefties want to see in film. They want to see women beating the shit out of men (who are all rapists) while wearing sunglasses and showing no emotion except cold fury. Alita is far too warm-hearted to exist within a feminist framework. She likes her neighborhood and her dad and eating food for the first time. She’s emotionally stable rather than broken or dead inside. When compared to Captain Marvel’s “Karen who wants to speak to the manager” personality, it’s night and day. This story comes from a bygone era, continuing sci-fi’s long tradition of showing strong females, but without the gender studies course in victimization.

In fact, near the end of the film when Alita’s problems are piling on top of her, Ido tells her, “Never feel sorry for yourself.”

Talk about anti-feminist! Um, isn’t, like, figuring out how you’re a victim kind of the whole point?!

 

THE SAD TALE OF HUGO

Now we’ve got to talk about Hugo. Hugo may seem like a Chad who’s smooth with the ladies and knows all the cool joints, but the key to understanding him is knowing that he has ingested a toxic dose of bluepills. His sad fate is imminent and unavoidable. His character is perfectly laid out in the scene in which he takes Alita on top of a building. “Look at that view,” he says. Alita looks out over the entire Scrapyard, which is a total dump, really, but she says, “Wow! Really cool!” Hugo then corrects her by saying, “No, look. THAT view,” then points out Zalem (I think that’s what it was called in the film version). Zalem is a floating city where the unseen rulers of the Scrapyard dwell. It’s assumed that they live lives of ease and plenty, far above the petty squabbles of the earth. Hugo desperately wants a new life in the floating city, whereas Alita is capable of seeing the mess of the real world and accepting it as it is.

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Hugo wants a better life, but one of life’s most important lessons is that there is no such thing as a “better life”. Accepting the world as it is, even though it’s imperfect, is the essence of what is called the redpill. History has shown us time and again that you can never “immanentize the eschaton” or create heaven on earth, as it always ends in misery and death. Historical examples include every Communist revolution.

Hugo’s state of mind is the unfortunate result of liberal indoctrination. “You going to live by his rules, or yours?” he asks Alita, challenging her to throw off Ido’s shackles and live in a state of absolute (and unrealistic) freedom. Also look at his scrimmage sportsball game in which men and women play together. His game results in men constantly dunking on women, yet he is somehow oblivious to this frequent occurrence. Perhaps he believes that all men and women are interchangeable athletic units that can be mixed and matched without limit?

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Hugo is the ubiquitous lefty “useful idiot” you see so often defending the very people who want to enslave or even kill him – which would be Vector in this story. Vector is the liberal elite handing out dreams of a better world as he works toward monopolizing all wealth under his control. Vector is the reason “useful idiots” ends up scratching their head when every Communist revolution results in brutal dictatorships where wealth is controlled by those at the very top while those at the middle and bottom get to live in a police state or in death camps that will later be hidden by mainstream media and lefty academia.

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However – Hugo is not a bad person! This is very, very important to understand. Conservatives spend way too much time arguing with liberals who are notorious for being unable to defend their views outside of the academic bubble. Twitter and YouTube are great examples of mainstream liberals backed by corporate powers pushing goofball opinions, only to be mocked ruthlessly by right-wingers and even just unindoctrinated moderates, who then have to be censored or de-platformed in order to stop any counterargument. It’s easy to get angry with the powers-that-be, but in some sense it’s intensely cruel to argue with liberals who actually need to be protected, not beaten. They’re not the enemy. In fact, like Hugo, they never had a chance!

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It’s interesting to note that when Hugo is being hunted, he runs to a church. Hugo runs to the thing that represents shelter, sanctuary… actually the pillar of civilization (sorry atheists, it’s true, even if the turbodweebs in lab coats disagree). Once Hugo is in church, he’s no longer the strutting “ehhhh who makin da rules aroun here” tough guy, but a remorseful, lost soul who finally realizes he is imperfect – that is, sinful. He stops telling himself a bullshit story about how great everything is going to be (at least for now) and is finally honest about what he really is. And since Alita doesn’t live inside a manufactured bubble, but is in touch with the harsh nature of reality, she is able to accept him as he is.

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Now, this may be a stretch (as if the rest of this piece isn’t a stretch), but when Zapan puts Alita in a situation in which she has to kill Hugo, it’s a perfect example of conservatives letting themselves be controlled by corporate interests. Zapan fools her into doing the equivalent of directing her anger at indoctrinated liberals rather than globalist corporations and international players who hate independent nations (especially America). Of course nobody except the people at the very top give a damn about the GDP, but modern American conservatives have found themselves in the odd situation in which they support giant corporations – and guess what, those giant corporations support open borders, importing cheap foreign labor, even abortions on a mass scale for the selling of organs and tissue. It’s always odd to see conservatives fighting for corporate rights, but then again, maybe it’s not that odd because I guess I used to be one of those guys. In this scene, Zapan is nothing but a corporate whore. He’s a narcissist (“My face!”) who doesn’t give a damn about anyone’s life, but he has Alita in a moral bind; he perverts her natural aggression, which should be directed at true evil, by directing it at poor dumb Hugo.

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But once they get Hugo under control (sort of), Doctor Ido once again writes a prescription for redpills. He says, “Vector was running a scam. If you’re born on the ground, you stay on the ground.” Turns out there’s no way out of the Scrapyard (the real world). In terms of our world, Doctor Ido is saying that instead of dreaming of a world in which you kill the rich and plunder their money, and whooooops also destroy your own nation in the process, it’s better to live a good life, take care of your family, stay connected to your people, and protect your borders. Be careful of stupid ideologies that make you hate yourself or your nation, no matter who is selling the ideology.

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I don’t want to dwell on Hugo’s fate, but he definitely experiences a post-Presidential election meltdown when he’s walking along the supply tube. It’s important to note that he was given a robot body because his head was disconnected from his body – meaning he was too much in his own head, and was fatally disconnected from reality. Such a shame! It’s really a grim reminder that instead of sitting back and laughing at these people on social media, we actually need to save them from the mind virus that makes them worship Zalem rather than connect with the Scrapyard of reality.

Ah, before I end my rant on Hugo, I have to point out the funniest part of the movie. One of the girls in Hugo’s crew asks her friend why he doesn’t like Alita. He says that she was a member of URM, a wielder of the deadly Panzer Kunst… basically a Martian space Nazi! In fact, wasn’t she sent to kill them?!? The girl’s redpilled response?

“Yeah, like three hundred years ago. Get over it!”

Imagine… a Hollywood film actually ridiculing the left’s eternal boogeyman, which they think is still out there, just waiting for the opportunity to get them!

 

THE HUNTER-WARRIORS

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“Before the Fall, there were police to stop criminals. Now the Factory pays us to do the dirty work.” Ido reveals the truth about the lawlessness thriving in the Scrapyard. This is the logical conclusion of the anti-police narrative that we are bombarded with daily: Mercenary thugs without any moral compunction are brought in and paid to stomp anything that doesn’t benefit the corporate overlords. Remember, the anti-police narrative doesn’t come out of a vacuum; it’s packaged for your consumption with an end goal in mind. Eventually a powerful corporation will step in with its own solution, and a population of bugmen will support it because they don’t understand the brutal reality of the streets and the necessity of violence.

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Note that in the Scrapyard, guns are illegal. In a lefty sci-fi story, making guns illegal would result in a utopian Star Trek future. In our right wing Alita tale, firearm monopolization creates an environment in which the strong prey on the weak with impunity. This is of course common sense to anyone who hasn’t been indoctrinated. Guns aren’t targeted by the elite because they want to reduce crime, they’re targeted because a corrupt ruling class always fears an uprising. In Alita’s world, Zapan and the other super-powered cyborgs who serve corporate interests use hand-to-hand weapons. Remember, only the strong can use hand-to-hand weapons. They aren’t for people like you – peasants and common laborers. Guns are an interesting thing, like divine tools of holy empowerment that even the weak can use them to defend themselves. From that perspective, why in the world would bad guys want you to have them?

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There’s an interesting and sad scene where Alita tries to unite the hunter-warriors against a common foe. In the past, hunter-warrior types would have been drawn into the military and turned into team-players fighting on behalf of their nation, but in the dystopian Scrapyard, these rough guardians have become corporate whores who won’t do anything unless there’s money involved. There’s no unity, as they’ve been atomized. They are essentially “rugged individualists” disconnected from their own people. One could make the argument that they’re analogous to modern Republicans – they’re tough and their genes are functional, they’re natural survivors, but at the end of the day they serve Israel rather than their own community.

 

DOCTOR NOVA AND THE CULT OF THE WATCHERS

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For anyone who isn’t completely oblivious, there’s a blackmail cult running the human farm we live in, and one of its main symbols is an eye inside a pyramid. You see it all the time in movies and music videos, and it pops up more frequently every day. The arrest of Epstein, the fall of NXIVM, and all the “pizza” enthusiasts cleaning up their Twitter profiles and pushing the big tech left to squash pizza-related conversations on YouTube only makes it more and more obvious, but still, I guess at this point you either see it or you don’t. There’s a chunk of our Alita story that focuses on this, so if this next segment stretches your credulity, let’s just say that *some people* believe in this conspiracy, therefore, it has at least some symbolic merit.

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The villain behind all villains is Doctor Nova. Ido calls Nova “the watcher behind the eyes.” This is of course a direct reference to the all-seeing eye of the ancient death cult that has the world in its grip, and no, I’m not referring to the movie. Only conservatives tend to see this stuff, so it’s appropriate that our right-leaning tale has the all-seeing Eye omnipresent in the background. (The same goes for Lord of the Rings, another right wing tale which features the Eye of Sauron.) Note that Doctor Nova is capable of “possessing” those who have submitted to him, which is a direct reference to demonic or spiritual possession.

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Did you notice that even Alita wears a t-shirt with a triangle that has another tiny, off-center triangle inside of it? This could be a reference to the swirl or hypnotic spiral inside of a triangle, used by pedophiles and pizza enthusiasts to signal to one another (according to the FBI), or the shape could be construed as an eye within a pyramid, or it could be both. It may seem strange that our good-hearted hero Alita would wear a shirt like this, but note that she wears it when she’s listening to Hugo talk about his delusional dreams of getting into a better world. Hugo is effectively hypnotizing Alita and, since our story is right wing, that means it operates from the perspective that *no one is without sin*. This scene shows that anyone can be fooled by the ancient death cult before they wake up – even a hero!

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Vector, a figurehead of both the Factory and the black market, serves Doctor Nova, but Chiren, Ido’s ex-wife and former citizen of Zalem, also serves him. She has an interesting story arc. Vector tempts Chiren with a vision of a perfect world, and all she has to do in return is create monsters. She’s desperate to return to Zalem, so she submits. She later grows a conscience and lets Alita live, and when Vector (or Nova) asks her why, she says, “Because I’m a doctor (meaning: she preserves life), and a mother. Somehow I forgot that.” Remembering is the key to unraveling the lies of greedy psychopaths like Vector who serve Doctor Nova, because they always want you to forget who you are. Vector tries one more time to draw her into the dream of a better world, and she says, “What I want… it isn’t up there.” BAM! Just like that, she gives up on the foolish dream of a world without pain and struggle. This is the thing that all Commies struggle with. They just can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that you can’t make heaven on earth without hurting a lot of people. You can only try your best to live a good and moral life within the confines of reality (which is the Scrapyard in our tale).

 

ALITA’S STRENGTH COMES FROM THE PAST, NOT THE FUTURE

Alita has a special heart enhanced by technology from a bygone era, making it strong enough to power an entire city, according to Doctor Ido. Such technology can no longer be duplicated. Alita’s heart is strong because it was made before the Fall, that is, before corporate powers and the cult of diversity took over and turned civilization into a third-world shithole. What this means is that Alita’s strength comes from the past, from her history, which is the thing that right-wingers are so obsessed with discovering, and that left-wing types hate.

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It’s the difference between trying to remember or preserve history versus constructing history as you want it. Not only does Alita discover the Berserker body (the weapon of her people) inside a forgotten ship, but eventually she even retrieves her true self from the past. That is, of course, the only way to discover your true self: Not by daydreaming about a perfect self fit for a utopian future, but by taking an honest look at the path that formed you, warts and all. Culturally, understanding doesn’t come from tearing down statues and historical landmarks, but from studying why and how those landmarks were made – and not necessarily from the judgmental perspective of assumed superiority.

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But, back to Alita’s heart, and Ido’s assertion that it could provide power for the entire city. This means that as long as a person’s emotional center is in the right place, then they can uphold the foundation of civilization. Just as culture is made up of symbols, civilization is made up of its people’s emotional balance. If that emotional center is destroyed, then your people are fragmented, and you’re left with bugmen who can be manipulated, made to hate themselves, and made to hate their nation or even civilization in general. Just think back to how many indoctrinated people you’ve heard say they wish civilization would fall so that “something better can come out of it.” I’ve heard this from many people, which is odd, because when you take a look at history, “something better” doesn’t come out of the ruins of fallen civilizations.

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Also note how head-oriented Doctor Nova is. After Doctor Ido points out the remarkable power of Alita’s heart, the scene is immediately followed by one in which Doctor Nova says that Alita’s power is in her mind. Of course it’s a common position to stand in awe of the human mind, and this comes from both the right and the left, but ultimately I think Ido is right. A mind can be tricked, deluded, even indoctrinated. Emotions simply are, and nations rise or fall depending on their emotional centers. Also note the pride liberals feel regarding their academic degrees – it’s all head-oriented.

Regarding history, the basic left/right split is: Either turn the world into what you want it to be (the left) versus seeing the bitter truths about the world and accepting things as they are (the right). The left’s focus on turning the world into what they want it to be is why they talk about “progress” and frequently mention the “current year” as if they are on a timetable, and they expect cultural changes to stay on schedule. The right’s focus on seeing things as they are, including the flaws in human nature, is why they often mention taking the “redpill” and calling people “sheeple” for not waking up to reality, and why they obsess over untangling the threads of history to understand the modern era. 

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CONCLUSION

Alita: Battle Angel is a breath of fresh air after the past few years of Hollywood force-feeding us a lefty stew of Things We Must Believe, including superhuman Karens who will curb stomp any man who dares stand between her and the manager. But this film isn’t perfect. Other than the main characters, the costume design is freaking awful. There are people dressed up like you or me walking around in the Scrapyard five hundred years from now. How is that possible? Unfortunately we may see more “budget” costume design as Hollywood is forced to tighten its belt. People aren’t going to the movies anymore, so the trend of making movies bigger and bolder with each passing year may be at an end. Of course, Hollywood could turn the money-printing machine back on any time they want, but they would have to give up on the weird lefty shit that they’re obsessed with. And that’s not going to happen!

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And keep in mind, all of the right-leaning stuff in this film is completely accidental. I guarantee you that everyone on set considered suicide on the fateful night of the presidential election. Even though the Scrapyard is a dump of violent diversity, where people would inevitably form ethnic enclaves that don’t communicate with one another except through force, the Alita movie tries to show people smiling and enjoying themselves. Even though the story is inherently right wing, it was still made within the milieu of left wing Hollywood where forced diversity is worshipped and entire civilizations are gleefully sacrificed on the altar of progress *just because*.

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Even though Alita: Battle Angel has taken heat because it has actual fans (rather than the fans and reviews manufactured for the benefit of Captain Marvel), it’s interesting to note that Blade Runner 2049 was way more right-leaning (again, most likely by accident) and yet it hasn’t been targeted by the thoughtpolice. Rather than a multicultural dump filled with smiling faces, Blade Runner 2049 (jokingly referred to as Pol: The Movie) depicted a world in which a social outcast straight white male was heckled as he made his way through a gauntlet of diversity. He worked to uphold civilization and was hated for it. His wife was so trad, she wasn’t even real. He obsessively pieced together his past, often looking like a complete conspiracy nut. He even got into a testosterone-fueled fist-fight with his “dad”!

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Still, mainstream media hasn’t done any hit pieces on Blade Runner 2049’s right-leaning narrative because it wasn’t released at the same time as Captain Marvel, thus it did not challenge the diversity narrative by getting in the way of its revenue.

 

BONUS MATERIAL: ONE LAST WILD IDEA

Actually, I’ve remained level-headed throughout this piece (right?), but I just had a wild idea that may or may not be true. I want to throw it out there just to see if I can get a reaction. The idea is: All stories about time travel are inherently left-leaning (because you’re editing the past in order to control the future), and all stories about amnesia are inherently right-leaning (because you’re piecing together historical truth, identity, and even the threads of a conspiracy theory).

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Star Trek and Harry Potter, both extremely lefty, contain plenty of time travel. I wouldn’t have thought that Back to the Future was lefty until recently, when I went back to watch the second one, and was shocked to see Biff Tannen as a stand-in for President Trump turning America into some kind of gun-slinging warzone where a teacher is hunted like an animal – a liberal fever dream based on histrionic fear of authority.

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As for conservative stories of amnesia, other than Alita, off the top of my head there’s Memento, about a man’s quest for revenge against the person who destroyed his family (which includes crime, family, conspiracy, and bloody justice – all right-leaning themes), and he has to face the awful truth about himself (he is flawed, which is also a very conservative theme). There’s Silent Hill 2, a video game about a man trying to put his family back together and has to come to terms with the fact that he destroyed his own family (history, family, the bitter truth – all conservative themes). There’s also Robocop, about a family man and normal-cop who becomes a robo-cop after he is killed and resurrected (!!!) and puts together the pieces of his past by blowing away criminals. The story isn’t friendly to the free market, but then again, not every conservative is a corporate whore.

Am I completely crazy with this idea? I can’t think of any story that destroys the pattern!

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The Lion King Is Politically Problematic!

By Kyle B. Stiff

 

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Uh oh guys, looks like the right-wing fascists at Disney are set to release a remake of The Lion King, a tale of authoritarian goose-stepping that would surely be seen as problematic to the left-wing saints gently guiding us toward utopia. In the interest of guilt-tripping everyone, I thought it might be fun to take a look at the original version of The Lion King from the perspective of the modern culture war.

The Lion King begins with a celebration of the hierarchy. Every animal species has their place in the circle of life, and the animals who are willing to submit to the hierarchy are incredibly happy. The land is fertile and green because everyone is doing what they were born to do. The elephants are stomping around and making that weird wet trumpet sound, the mice are hippety hoppeting and trying not to get squished, the ostriches are being dumb and not even attempting to fly – all is right with the world.

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It feels nice to think about the circle of life, but of course, there’s an animal at the “top” of the circle, so savvy veiwers will note that it’s more of a pyramid than a circle. Mufasa is king and he’s got a rack of ho’s tending to his business. He’s the king because his genes are absolutely incredible. He has the chin, the power, the lush mane, but he’s also a “stable genius” who never has a nervous breakdown, always wakes up early and clocks out late, and doesn’t screw over one animal to make friends with another. He is in charge, and rightly so. He’s not a tyrant, but nature chose him to be on top. This is a tough pill to swallow for the egalitarian mindset, especially since most of Mufasa’s good qualities weren’t really earned, but were given by nature. Can we rationalize why nature chose him to be king? No, that’s just how it is. Sorry, equality enthusiasts!

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The cycle continues with Simba. He’s just a dumb baby at the beginning of the story, but he’s being cheered simply for existing. This public spectacle is the very thing that drives people like Scar nuts… why shouldn’t people be cheering for him instead of Simba?! Hasn’t he suffered enough to earn a little applause?! Dealing with resentment is a big struggle in the life of every living thing. Those who allow the resentment to fester in their heart eventually succumb to a form of possession. Their souls are mutilated (thus the name “Scar”) and they cease to be beautiful. On the other hand, those who submit to the whims of nature, like the animals in our opening scene, get to sing and take part in the grand tapestry of civilization and the big story we are all working together to write and play in. Some of us will have big roles, but most of us will have small roles. If you can accept that, then the birth of Simba and the promise that a good life in a good land will continue will truly be something to celebrate.

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Unfortunately we soon find out that Simba doesn’t really understand what it means to rule. He’s the sort of person who thinks that ancient kings used to sit around and shout orders while being served heaps of food and fine wine; the reality is that leaders shoulder a burden that would crush normal people. Most of us would do anything to wiggle out of accepting responsibility. It’s absolutely terrifying. Simba thinks he’s going to continue to be adored just for existing, and in his very first song, he gets everyone dancing just to have them all pile up on top of each other and fall over like some kind of literal pyramid collapsing under its own weight. The kids in the audience are laughing but it’s ominous as hell.

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Things get even worse when Simba tries to throw his weight around in territory outside of the hierarchy. Note that just because you have a powerful hierarchy with a rigid social structure, does not mean that that structure rules perfectly everywhere. There are always areas for societal dropouts and fuckups to hang out and torment one another with their hard luck stories, an “underworld” of decay filled with the screams of the emotionally unstable.

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This is where Scar hangs out. Even though he’s a lion and occupies a high station, it’s still not enough for him. He wants to be praised for being the best, but since he isn’t the best, he has to buddy up with a bunch of scavengers and promise them the world. Free this, free that, oh, and also… revenge against those assholes who didn’t give you all the free stuff you deserve!

Scar pulls some strings and Mufasa gets trampled by the mainstream media. Simba must live in shame and Scar, being unable to win votes on his own merits, opens the borders and lets in the hyenas, thus creating a reliable voting bloc. Hyenas will always vote for Scar. The hyenas have no place in the hierarchy because they have no long-term stake in the realm. They live on decay and short-term gain. Why not loot the economy? They could have nothin’ right now, or they could have SOMETHIN’ right now. Makes sense!

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Scar gets Simba to forget who he is, or rather, what he’s supposed to be doing with his time. Simba becomes the jungle equivalent of a stoner blasting fools on Xbox with a frozen burrito thawing on a table cluttered with empty Monster cans and a surprisingly well-thought-out collection of vape pens and flavors for his e-cig habit. He’s fallen off the hierarchy and has achieved ultimate freedom. He’s a consumer, the final genetic stop in a long line of ancestors who fought to survive so that Simba, the last of his kind, could ragequit a Soulsborne game and stalk Nala on instagram. He lives in a dark pit of shame but he buries the rage by (quite rationally) pointing out how great the world is; there are plenty of bugs to eat, so why worry? Never mind that he’s a nervous, anxious wreck… that’s probably just some genetic thing, right? Surely it can’t be helped, right???

Simba eats bugs; he’s the very definition of a bugman. And Scar would have gotten away with it, too… if it wasn’t for Rafiki!

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Rafiki is the jungle equivalent of someone who keeps a constant rotation of Alex Jones episodes playing in the background while browsing articles about what the Great Pyramids of Giza were REALLY made for (impossible not to click because there’s a pic of Nikola Tesla looking real smug). Rafiki lives alone; why would he not? He’s intense, he talks to himself, he mixes herbs with his colloidal silver tonic, he has giant plastic jugs full of rice in the basement, and he’s extremely opinionated regarding his conceal carry technique (and if you’re an officer of the law who stops to ask about his open carry, believe me Rafiki KNOWS HIS RIGHTS and THEY WILL NOT BE INFRINGED).

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The thing about Rafiki is, as crazy as he looks, he was actually made to occupy one of those non-corporate public servant positions that calls for unyielding moral rectitude and the ablility to fearlessly give advice to those who typically aren’t open to criticism. His mind can go anywhere; he can talk about military or legal matters one minute and aliens or zero-point energy the next. He will never be uncomfortable no matter the subject, and is invaluable for a real king to have on his side.

That’s also why he’s perfect for radicalizing Simba.

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Simba had to get his ass beat by a girl to realize he’s not a man, and that set him on the path to listening to Rafiki’s twelve-part YouTube series (right before it was taken down) on What REALLY Happened to Mufasa (Unbelievable Disclosure!!). Halfway through the series Simba realized the things he used to think were extreme now make total sense. When the hierarchy breaks down, only force matters. Simba sees his father and all his noble ancestors smiling down on him from the heavens as he repeats that there comes a time when the tree of liberty must be watered with blood (or however the saying goes). He arms himself and goes on the offensive.

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Now that his eyes have been opened, Simba sees the truth about his home. It is an absolute dump, full of foreigners working in black market economies. The female lions either work as prostitutes or cower in their caves, afraid to walk the streets and become a statistic. People don’t like to talk about it, but the once peaceful realm has somehow become the rape capital of the savannah. Honor killings are common. Zazu, once an upright public figure, has been reduced to virtue signaling on Twitter to the applause of a bunch of blue checkmark hyenas.

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In the end, Scar is devoured by his own constituency, and Simba reclaims his dump of a home. There are no cheers for the new king as he ascends to a throne overlooking a wasteland filled with hunger and despair. There may be no applause, but at least there are roars. The people cry out, again and again, roaring like animals, silenced and shadowbanned for so long that all they can do is roar and rage and hope that future generations won’t make the same stupid mistakes.

Alternative Ideas for the New Star Wars Trilogy

By Kyle B. Stiff

There have already been over one billion blog posts and YouTube vids in which big-brained types have methodically broken down what’s wrong with the new Star Wars movies. The world doesn’t need another in-depth analysis, so I won’t do that… but then again, what about some bullshit brainstorming about how the story could have gone differently? So that’s what this piece is about.

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NEW ORDER

I’m not the first person to be confused about what the New Order even is, and why the battle at the end of Return of the Jedi seemingly had no effect on the galaxy. Did the Rebels forget to set up their Republic once again, and just remained guerilla fighters because they’d gotten used to it? And if the total defeat of the Imperials, including the loss of their leaders, their superweapon, and most of their big ships, really affected them so little, then shouldn’t they be acknowledged as the rightful rulers of the galaxy?

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In any case, I think it would be interesting if the storyline reflected the times we live in now. The Rebels should have remade the Republic, but then their leaders should have inexplicably gone insane and spread propaganda about Imperials being everywhere. Anyone not on board with the new rulers would be declared “literally an Imperial stormtrooper” and been censored, thrown out of their job, doxxed, and un-personed. They could post images of Darth Vader on every planet, convinced that he somehow still lived, or was magically influencing people who were not progressive Rebels. While the Empire was anti-alien, the New Republic could move aliens onto human worlds in order to combat perceived anti-alien prejudice. The human leaders of the New Republic could even undergo surgery to make themselves look more alien, slowly turning into abominations that were neither human nor alien.

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In this situation, instead of Luke turning into a titty-sucking cynic, we could have seen Leia become a villain. Lots of people have already noticed that extreme progressive views destroy beauty, so it would be interesting to see Leia, the beautiful space princess of the original trilogy, turn into a surgically modified proto-alien monstrosity. Her brother Luke, on the other hand, instead of running away because he almost killed a kid who was having a bad dream, would instead run away simply because he saw the horrible effect of everyone’s mind being controlled by something he didn’t understand, and he was genuinely afraid that his own mind would be consumed as well. Imagine a monk choosing to live far from civilization because he doesn’t understand the benefits of Antifa or Gillette ads or why the green piggy guards from Jabba’s Palace were being pushed into human resources positions in the New Republic. Remember that Luke was basically trained as an assassin by Yoda, but in this instance, he would be facing a monster that couldn’t be defeated with a lightsaber, a monster so insidious it had somehow replaced his own sister.

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Or, as terrible as it sounds, it might be interesting for Luke to realize that he will be forced to do what Yoda trained him to do so long ago: Kill a member of his own family for political reasons. How fucked up is that!? It would probably be so disturbing to him, on such a deep and fundamental level, that he would seek the solace of an alien titty because what else does he have???

 

 

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FINN

I’ve always been confused by this character. It was never explained why he had a bout of conscience and could no longer serve the New Order. If the Empire used clones for stormtroopers, it would have been interesting if the New Order used something even more disturbing, like victims of MK ULTRA who had been turned into suicidal fanatics. Imagine soldiers who had their core humanity ruined or buried under layers of traumatic programming. Maybe Finn’s programming was incorrectly administered, making him the odd man out. Or maybe joining the Rebels is a part of his programming, and he doesn’t even know it. Or maybe his programming was corrupted, so he left the New Order and joined the Rebellion, but he found the Rebels so ideologically repulsive that he couldn’t help but constantly argue with them, shouting, “Palpatine did nothing wrong!” and ruining every friendship.

Otherwise he’s kind of forgettable, isn’t he?

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REY

I’m old enough to remember a time when nerds were routinely rounded up, fitted with explosive collars, and hunted on live tv. No memorials commemorate this because nobody gave a shit about nerds in the 80s. Times are different now, and nerd culture is mainstream. However, let’s be real… times haven’t changed that much. Deep down, women don’t care about Star Wars, they just tolerate it because they don’t want us to feel like idiots for getting into fights over why Qui-Gon Jinn didn’t disappear when he got lightsabered in his gutworks. The wheels of culture are spinning hard to bring women into sci-fi, but they will never appreciate my life-size Lando Calrissian body pillow or my ability to repeat a lot of the alien dialogue from Return of the Jedi, which I can do despite the fact that it’s been many years since I’ve seen it. (If you’re curious, I can even replicate the weird voice modulation they used when Leia was pretending to be an alien bounty hunter.)

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The desire for “strong” female protagonists is powerful in everyone except audiences (they just want a good story). Progressive types like to ignore the history of interesting female characters in sci-fi and fantasy and are pushing for Mary Sue types who are good at everything and have no personality. This is how we get characters like Rey, but apparently it could have been worse. Captain Marvel is slated to be the Alpha Mary Sue, the ultimate Mary Sue of which all other Mary Sues are mere reflections, or maybe harbingers of the prophecied Mary Sue Prime who is destined to defeat Thanos.

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Anyway, Rey may be bland, but she actually fits pretty well within my idea of the New Republic becoming a totalitarian left-wing nightmare, because her absolute mastery of everything would make her a pretty scary villain. Imagine her gaze, so lacking in doubt because her mind is free of all complication, and now turn the intensity up to eleven after she gets indoctrinated by Empress Leia. What Vader was to Emperor Palpatine, the brutal feminazi Rey could be for Empress Leia, going beyond simply Not-Needing-a-Man and outright killing supposed “like literal stormtroopers” without hesitation (or, from the good guys’ perspective, massacring civilians who commit thoughtcrimes and facecrimes). Imagine if she wore a perfectly clean white uniform and even had a halo of light shining around her, because she was just that pure in her progressive beliefs. She could even use a blue lightsaber, traditional among good guys, or hell she could have a unique golden lightsaber.

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In this situation, Kylo Ren’s emo sensibilities would seem like a breath of fresh air, but still be meme-worthy. He’s the kid nobody sat with during lunch, but he’s trapped in a football player’s body. He could very well be the Jedi equivalent of the emotion felt by K from Blade Runner 2049 when he saw his girl in hologram form, lost to him forever, taken out of the home and reduced to a corporate product that anyone could buy. Hell, a Jedi master tried to kill him in his sleep; he was made for tragedy and self-doubt. In some sense, he’s the perfect hero for a dystopian sci-fi story about a civilization destroying itself via endless revolution. Luke used to dream of visiting new worlds, but Kylo could stare at his grandfather’s mask and dream of going back to a world that possibly never existed.

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A scene from Pol: The Movie

It would be interesting to see Luke and Kylo team up in episode 9 rather than shrugging off the conflict between them. Instead of one of them nearly getting bisected while taking a nap and the other one pushing his soul out of his anus so he could get sassy with someone a thousand light-years away, what if they were forced to work together to take out Empress Leia and Mary-Sue Rey? The banter would be legendary! One of them is an alien milk fetish freak who’s “too old for this shit” and the other one is absolutely convinced that the world was better when Vader was goose-stepping over Ewok and Jawa corpses. “They take our jobs,” Kylo Ren would yell at Luke, “and they drive down wages and the crime rate skyrockets!” Meanwhile Luke, ancient boomer that he is, would be like, “It doesn’t matter if they come in *legally*!” and Chewbacca would be like “UwaaWaaAaAaa!” which is pretty standard except in this movie, he would be completely shaved, looking like a mutated hairless possum and trying to pass for human so Kylo Ren wouldn’t freak out about having to team up with an alien.

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Anyway, Star Wars Episode 9: Right-Wing Traditional Jedi Values would be impossible to write in a lefty environment where sci-fi is generally seen as “problematic”, but it’s fun to speculate about an alternate universe where the mainstream can be challenged. As the noose tightens and we learn to watch what we say, we can always dream of a world where the human spirit isn’t dying from a terminal mind virus.