Hideo Kojima Saves America with Bluepills in Death Stranding

Part 1

By Kyle B. Stiff

The world is a battlefield between rival ideologies and occult groups. As I watch movies and play games and break down their hidden meaning, I can usually depend on Japanese stories to be free of what we call “Illuminati” symbolism, whereas Hollywood movies push the symbolism so hard that it’s kind of a joke at this point. But Death Stranding is an interesting case because left-leaning Illuminati ideology is on full display.

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This will be a relatively spoiler-free breakdown that only covers the first half of the game. Please note that despite giving him a hard time, I am a huge fan of Hideo Kojima. Like a lot of artists who naturally pick up on cultural vibes, he’s allowed liberal indoctrination to slip through his AT Field and infect his brain. This doesn’t keep him from being an amazing entertainer, nor does it prevent Death Stranding from being a great and interesting game, but we have a duty to point out cringe when we see it.

I’m sure we can all agree that testosterone is a divine hormonal matrix that only some of us are blessed to wield. It grants the wielder the power to tell a story fearlessly, rather than doubt oneself endlessly until death comes to silence our fears. From the beginning of Death Stranding one can’t help but notice that Kojima is getting older and his testosterone levels are dropping. His Metal Gear Solid series had military dudes, bombastic soundtracks, bouncing tits, button-mashing during torture scenes, guys shitting themselves and getting stuffed into porta Johns, “Nanomachines, son!”, child soldiers committing based war crimes, babies born on the battlefield, and so on. Death Stranding tones it down a notch with sedate music and the idea that if somebody gets killed (or even dies), it results in a voidout that can destroy an entire city.

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Rather than a proper end for a wild ride, death is seen as a disaster, which is an opinion free of testosterone. Remember, being smart and avoiding danger may seem very clever, but in the end it can only get you in a nursing home, lying in bed trying to put together the pieces of an identity that is beyond repair. It is a fate fit only for bugmen.

Ah, but we were talking about the lefty perspective in Death Stranding, weren’t we? Let’s move on to characters!

 

President Bridget is Hillary Clinton

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Sam’s mother represents – of course – none other than Hillary Clinton. Not as a bug-eyed psychopath and queen of cringe, of course, but as the warm, empathic, and divine feminine Mother Goddess that liberals see her as. Her name, Bridget, signifies that she builds bridges, not walls, which is either inspirational or cringe depending on your perspective. Sam’s first mission, a very poignant slog in which he must carry his mother’s corpse to an incinerator, is reminiscent of the absolute dark night of the soul felt by liberals at having to bury the dream of Hillary as President. I’m trying to be diplomatic so I won’t comment on what the rain in this mission represents. Bridget (and Hillary) were supposed to put America back together again, and the people scrambling to keep her alive, and then cover up her death, represent the mainstream media going into overdrive spinning a narrative to galvanize the populace.

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Die-Hardman is Barack Obama

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The way this guy looks and carries himself is a great indicator of how liberals see Obama. Rather than the stuttering dufus who needed a teleprompter to speak to school children, or a low-T Indonesian married to a linebacker packing some serious cucumber, here we see Obama as a barrel-chested alpha who runs the UCA after Bridget’s unfortunate passing. As in real life, this guy just won’t go away. Also note that in his mask, Die-Hardman looks a lot like this alleged pic of Obama dressed as some kind of goofy Illuminati demon:

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Sam Bridges is an Everyman Boomer DOOMer

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Everyone living in the ruins of America is stuck isolated in bunkers, unable to connect with one another in person but addicted to texting page after page of nonsense for the player to trudge through, but Sam is a boomer who can get things done. If he was born in our era, he would mow the lawn at six in the morning, request seating in a restaurant, and pay off his kids’ credit card bills. He gets things done as only old people can.

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However, Sam lives in his own era, which means he’s contracted the same fatal autism that everyone else suffers. He’s afraid of physical contact, he has trouble communicating, and he even collects action figures. He wants to abandon the old world but he’s literally chained to his job. When Sam is given a BB (“baby”) and it starts having flashbacks to its real father, we get the sense that Sam is in an extremely bluepilled “my wife’s son” type of situation; however, Sam does have some old school backbone, because he’s the only man in the UCA who protests aborting the baby. He knows the baby is more than just equipment – or more than a clump of cells, as they say in our era.

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Now, don’t get me wrong about this bluepill stuff. I’m not saying that Kojima is a lefty NPC relentlessly pushing whatever Hollywood says must be pushed. Obviously he’s not, or his games would be unplayable. But as an artist, as a creative type, his brain is an antenna made for picking up on the cultural zeitgeist and then remixing it through the prism of his own unique self. All artists do this. Kojima was called to tell a story about the conflict happening in America right now, and since that conflict is so complicated, we are forced to pick sides so we can take narrative shortcuts. There’s nothing wrong with this; we have to be able to identify friend or foe at a glance, and that’s why our current conflict can be broken down into Redhats versus Bluehairs.

Unfortunately Kojima leans left in Death Stranding, which can be off-putting when gamers are in the mood for a heroic tale about a man slaying the enemies of America in a ritual of purification and reunion. Even though Kojima has revolutionized package handling gameplay just like he did stealth gameplay, a lot of gamers have been underwhelmed. And I can see why: Gaming is inherently redpilled and right wing. You can’t slay monsters and save the princess by bending over for them, otherwise you end up with something like Undertale – a sappy, sentimental mess with a notoriously toxic fan base. Considering its goofy level of pacifism, Death Stranding is dangerously close to crossing into territory where the unindoctrinated cannot go.

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But as I said earlier, protagonist Sam Bridges is not a total lefty strung out on mood enhancing drugs. Kojima makes an effort to turn Sam into a Christlike figure, whose blood is redemptive and capable of cleansing the nation. Just as Jesus Christ was able to drive out demons and unclean spirits, Sam’s blood can be used in an alchemical process to kill or drive off BTs, which are the spirits of the dead. (I may be wrong on BTs being ghosts since I haven’t finished the game yet.)

This is of course the heretical idea that people can save themselves. One NPC even explicitly says that he doesn’t believe in grace or miracles – only people. Which is like saying you believe in books but not authors. It’s peak liberal enlightenment. The only way to make it more liberal would be to have a drag queen telling it to a child during government-mandated storytime. Another NPC in a long, rambling email even calls Sam the Great Deliverer. It’s a throwaway line, but it makes sense for a materialist bugman to see the Amazon delivery guy as a messiah. I’m hoping that later on in the game we will be introduced to some characters who challenge Sam’s role as the Mail Messiah the same way the AI in MGS2 challenged Raiden’s belief that he was a real person rather than a mere video game character.

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Fragile Is Every “Basic Bitch” Liberal Wahmen

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Mainstream media is pushing bug-eating to the point where it’s become a meme. In order to get you eating bugs and living in a pod, they have to make it seem cool and futuristic rather than dystopian. Remember, as long as you have guns, they can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. Once you demand that your own guns be taken away, then, of course, they can do anything they want to you. But the first few times Fragile meets Sam, she constantly forces bugs on him. She can’t stand to see a man not eating bugs like some kind of scavenging vermin! We’ve gone from MGS5’s alpha supreme Kazuhira Miller selling burgers pumped full of based chemicals to Sam eating maggots that turn him into a hormonally deficient pod-dwelling urbanite sipping Starbucks and hashtagging about Orange Man Bad!

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Fragile’s interview sums up the liberal mindset. I’ll print the entire paragraph because it has several eye-rolling moments…

“We once had a network spanning the whole wide world that could send items from anywhere to anywhere, and connect anyone with anything. But still we were isolated – still we were alone. Some liked it that way, and even wanted more. They wanted walls along their borders, wanted to turn away refugees and outsiders.”

Not only does the email accidentally acknowledge that connecting online does nothing to alleviate loneliness, there’s also the cringe misunderstanding that enforcing basic border control policy and protecting the people within a nation is somehow a moral outrage. In fact her interview kind of reminds me of a celebrity tweet, like Alyssa Milano crying to let her followers know they are supposed to get angry because the nation they live in hasn’t collapsed on schedule. Also the idea that letting in the third-world will somehow end our loneliness is a really low IQ take, since the American experiment has shown that ethnic groups tend to form impenetrable enclaves rather than interact in any meaningful way.

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One more thing about Fragile and her female nature. Not only is her superpower instantaneous travel (what woman wouldn’t kill for that ability?), but… and this is a SPOILER (until the end of the paragraph)… she is forced to run through a timefall mostly naked, so her body is unnaturally aged. MGTOW types who are beyond sick of women often talk about the Wall. Not Trump’s Wall, mind you, but the concept of the Wall is that when a woman’s beauty fades, her power comes to an end. It’s incredibly sad and is far beyond what your typical bluepilled lefty can handle. They desperately want to believe that beauty is a state of mind available to everyone rather than a genetic lottery win given only to a few. The truth is that not having it is a drag and losing it is devastating. Not gonna lie, I cried during that scene!

I’m looking forward to learning more about Higgs, the man who forced this fate on Fragile. Is he evil, or just a bitter incel who wanted to permanently end Fragile’s Instagram career?

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The BTs: Reconnecting with History Is Terrifying to the Bluepilled

The BTs are a surprisingly conservative threat. From my perspective as someone who hasn’t finished Death Stranding, I can only say what I currently know about BTs, but they seem to be the spirits of the dead interacting with the living. Interestingly enough, for a game about making connections and breaking down borders, the main enemy, BTs, are border-crossers who are so dangerous that America cannot exist as long as they exist. You have to choose one or the other: Get the United Cities of America up and running, or keep importing BTs. You can’t have both.

The symbolism is so obvious, they may as well be wearing sombreros and trafficking guns, drugs, and sex slaves!

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It’s also interesting to note that the arrival of BTs is marked by a reverse rainbow. It’s very telling that Kojima uses the “woke” symbol of public CBT parades and drag queen storytime to let the player know they are approaching a gateway to the world of death. I feel like the fact that blue is missing from the rainbow has something to do with Democrats losing control of their own ride down the slippery slope.

Could Kojima be channeling the reversal of the rainbow as America’s slide into a sexual free-for-all continues? Remember, this happened before, in Weimar Germany, where you could pay to experience any and every sexual kink – even stuff that we would consider progressive now. The grasping hands of the BTs become even more frightening when you consider that they might have in mind something far worse than killing you!

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There’s something for liberals to fear about BTs, too. Being dead, the BTs represent spirits of the past – dark spirits from dark times. Looking back at history is one of the great fears of the modern enlightened liberal. History is non-utopian, thus they can only view it through the lens of complete indoctrination, which says that all history is BAD. Taking a nuanced look at various groups of people trying to survive under conditions that were not ideal is not the strong suit of liberals. Just think of how many liberals (especially women) you have heard say they’re afraid to look into their family tree because they might find Nazis or KKK members – the ultimate boogeymen of children raised on Hollywood movies!

That also makes chirality in general a very shocking idea in such a bluepilled story. Once the United Cities of America is reconnected, theoretically anything from the past could be 3D-printed. That means that the key to saving America (and the world) lies in reconnecting with history. From a liberal perspective, this makes absolutely no sense. Why would you want to reconnect with something that wasn’t progressive and isn’t the current year? But from a conservative standpoint, it makes total sense: You have to reconnect to a time that made sense, to a time when we knew what worked, in order to have a solid foundation on which to build the future.

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Stranded from the Almighty

In the world of Death Stranding, much like our own, communities have broken down and people live in isolation. They are addicted to mood-enhancing drugs just like we are. People are no longer hormonally capable of creating something as simple as oxytocin, a “cuddling hormone” used for social bonding, and must take a synthetic version. Because zoomers did not heed the wisdom of boomers regarding “cell phone bad” most people can only interact through “chiralgrams” or holographic facetime vids. Every NPC seems bland and lifeless until you walk away, then they bombard you with texts littered with emojis.

Kojima’s depiction of humanity gone insane is surprisingly subtle given his track record of over-the-top characters. When you consider games like BioShock where everyone infected by the Hot Topic virus becomes a juggalo clown from the dark carnival, or Badlands where cringe behavior is considered the norm, a story about people becoming asexual genderless freaks afraid to form bonds with one another and are no longer breeding is surprisingly and subtly redpilled. If Death Stranding showed unlimited immigration and ethnic groups forming uncommunicative enclaves and a “hatespeech” police force cracking down on people who point out the obvious, we could even say that Death Stranding is the redpilled game of 2019, especially since Doom Eternal’s release date has been pushed to 2020.

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Or not. Death Stranding is incredibly interesting but it is definitely not redpilled. It’s about connecting people, but broken people who connect with other broken people only find ruin and regret. This may seem odd to the modern gamer, a technophile with an unexamined love of science and who seriously believes they have outgrown the need for ritual and tradition and the rough traits that turned their ancestors into survivors rather than bugmen, but anyone who drifts so far from their own creator that they believe they were created by accident will of course end up on mood-altering medication. Mental illness is the inevitable result of distance from the mysterious force that sustains us. To the modern gamer who collects Star Wars figurines and anime memorabilia much like a Death Stranding MULE collects packages while “jacked up on a cargo high”, the drift into darkness and depression is subtle and seemingly inevitable. There is of course the sustaining belief that if we can just make it through the darkness of Kali Yuga we will eventually arrive at a utopian Star Trek future, but oddly enough, this belief is more fervent and unconscious than anything practiced in a seemingly-backward traditional community.

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More to come! As I continue my journey through the game, I’m hoping Higgs and Cliff Unger will give me more of a right-wing take on Death Stranding. I’m really looking forward to reaching the west coast and meeting what they call “crazy men” or homo demens. Leave it to Kojima to have “gay demons” waiting for the player in California!

 

I Was Shot to Death While Watching JOKER! 10/10 Would Get Shot Again

By Kyle B. Stiff

What Black Panther is to African Americans, what Captain Marvel is to feminists who don’t watch superhero movies, what Thanos is to normies, Joker is to us… gamers? I mean Nazis. I mean incels. Or whatever the label is… let’s just say it’s the people who know civilization isn’t dying, it’s being murdered.

And we know who’s doing the killing!

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Mainstream media has been warning us about Joker, and for good reason: It gives voice to people who are sick of the degeneration of civilization. It’s been obvious for a long time that Hollywood is a cult, and it’s their job to present a gospel of life improving through lefty values and diversity indoctrination. That’s their job. They want us watching Captain Marvel and Disney Star Wars, not Joker, and they’re willing to push the idea that incels will shoot up a theater full of incels (huh?) to get their way. Of course, we all know what’s going on. We know civilization isn’t collapsing because the traditional values that have guided nations for thousands of years suddenly went past the sell-by date and now we have to make a frantic switch to atheist feminist Communism or else the world will burn up.

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But before you get too excited about Joker – and it is worth getting excited about – let’s get one thing straight: It’s not conservative or right-wing or trad or anything like that. It’s not even what Blade Runner 2049 was for us (a story about the Last White Guy doing his job and being hated while the world falls apart). While the creative minds behind Joker were definitely tapping into the collapse and the outrage we feel, that collapse and that outrage are still shown from a deeply left-leaning perspective. Remember, Thomas Wayne is rich and says insensitive things about the poor, Joker requires “free” mental health counseling, and the rioters carry signs that say RESIST, which is the battle cry of the Anti-Drumpf Orange Man Bad NPC Elite.

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In fact, Joker kind of reminded me of Back to the Future 2. Remember how that movie strangely predicted Trump’s presidency, as well as his ability to travel through time? Through the character of Biff Tannen, the makers of Back to the Future 2 clearly knew what was coming. However, instead of seeing it as an interesting cultural event and an opportunity to prune back the weeds of liberalism spreading through college indoctrination and Hollywood propaganda, the makers of that film saw it as a dystopian hellscape where white biker gangs roamed the streets shooting at teachers without any clear reason. Really, go back and look at that movie. It’s never explained exactly why the future is so dark, why white people have suddenly turned into violent savages – they just kind of did, and somehow it was Biff Tannen’s fault!

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So it’s a case of the oracle receiving a message from the gods, but the message is fractured by the unfortunate retardation of the human medium. While Joker is undeniably appealing to conservative men who feel impotent in the face of societal collapse, Joker is actually a snapshot of a liberal man lost in a sea of raging emotions and without any sort of rational compass that he can use to get a reality check. While we each retreat within our opposing bubbles, Joker is kind of an unexpected re-acquaintance with the lefty mindset. The fact that conservative men can relate just shows how tolerant and empathetic they are – imagine that!

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Remember, this movie was made by someone in Hollywood, not outside of it. Without doing any research, I’m going to go out on a limb (but not really) and say the director is a lefty, probably Jewish, and he thinks President Trump speaks a coded language that “dog whistles” (love that goofy term) secret messages to white nationalists and Russian handlers. I promise I will not even take the ten seconds required for a Google search to see if I’m right or not – I mean, do I need to at this point?

Anyway, the point is that this story is going to have a lefty slant to it, so I think Joker is a great example of what a liberal male would do if he was in the same position that a lot of white, conservative males are in. Unlike Officer K who kept going to work and pushed his emotions deep, deep down, Joker lashes out with unrestrained emotion. This dude even climbs into his… but I won’t spoil it! But god damn, guys – he really climbed in that thing, didn’t he?!

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The way Joker got a gun is a perfect example of this story coming from a liberal perspective. This paragraph will be a little spoilery, sorry. But Joker essentially has a gun forced on him by an alpha male who calls the ethnic kids who beat him “savages”. This is a liberal nightmare in technicolor – they don’t see gun rights as something that a person can choose to opt out of, because they don’t really understand choice. Sorry guys, but it’s true. The idea that a white bully would force someone to take a gun is top shelf liberalism, it’s something only they could imagine. It’s the same way you and your buddy don’t hold each others’ dicks while taking a piss. Your unit is yours, and his is his. But liberals tend not to believe in free will, and they think people can be converted to bad ideas without effort. That’s why they’re so big on censorship, banning, and deplatforming. That’s not a critique, that’s just the way it is.

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The fact that right off the bat we are shown that Joker is mentally ill favors my hypothesis. It’s kind of a meme at this point, but as long as you don’t get in a liberal’s face and accuse them of being mentally ill, they will readily discuss their collection of mental illnesses. Most of them are quite open about whatever it is they happen to have, whether it’s depression or anxiety or Asperger’s or ADHD or gender dysphoria or whatever. Most conservatives don’t get excited about having a mental illness, they don’t think it’s cool or interesting, in fact they tend to see it as something that should be overcome rather than something that adds spice and flavor to personality.

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Another great example of the liberal perspective is the bullies on the train – the business suit-wearing alpha males. This scene struck me as a little unrealistic, but I think it really shines a light on the liberal perspective. Years ago I lived in DC and I used the metro all the time. I was comically impoverished back then, and everything I wore was donated or bought from a thrift store. I saw lots of upwardly mobile suited types on the metro, and they never gave me any trouble. In fact, they ignored me, because they were interested in their own lives, which is understandable. The only trouble I ever got was from… well, how do I say it without getting in trouble? We’ll say “urban youths”. We all know this is how it is, but I think the liberal pain in this scene is very real. They feel a kind of visceral rejection by the world of business suit-wearing alphas, and they imagine that yacht-riding CEOs like Tai Lopez or Dan Bilzerian are laughing at them, secretly mocking them because they aren’t a part of the ultra elite .00001 percent. I used to assume that we were all laughing at elites, but these days I’m finding out that most of you guys are grinding your teeth at them, masking your envy with disdain.

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This paragraph is going to be somewhat spoilery (sorry). But just look at how badly Joker wants Thomas Wayne to be his father once he realizes the possibility is there. This whole situation makes me wonder if the basic liberal mindset is one formed by paternal neglect. We’ve all seen their irrational hatred for President Trump, a primal revulsion so over-the-top and so continual that we know it doesn’t come from rational disagreement on policies – in fact, Trump virtue signals liberal values with the best of liberals, and has done so for decades. We kind of suspect that the hatred comes from some kind of *intense* childhood trauma, because we can’t think of anything else that works on such a deep level. This makes the scene where Joker reads his mother’s file so powerfully moving (spoiler coming up, spoiler spoiler). He was a nobody, from nothing, with no father, abandoned by his mom and abused by strange men. Not going to lie, I cried!

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Of course, that makes me wonder if lefty extremists just feel unloved in general, not only abandoned by parents but perhaps abandoned by something even more profound. Maybe even abandoned by God. Do their bitchasses just need to go to church? They certainly have a visceral hatred for one religion in particular, the same one villified in Hollywood movies and on Netflix. When was the last time you heard a lefty complain about Islam or Judaism?

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I loved Joker, but of course it was always a stretch to hope that this movie would perfectly snapshot the anger of conservatives or right-wingers or groypers or trads or Chads or shitposters or volcels or incels or even the bowl cut enthusiasts or whatever the fuck you want to call the people who see patterns and aren’t NPCs waiting for the next goodthink update from the powers that be. Maybe despite his emotional instability, that’s what makes Joker our representative in this era: He sees patterns, and the thoughtpolice are afraid because they think Joker could be the spark to light the powder keg because he’s not afraid to snap. He’s not afraid to be the one to start the chaos that we all know is coming anyway.

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But who am I to say this? I’m just a guy who got shot in a movie theater. That’s right, dear readers – I’m already fuckin’ dead! As the credits rolled both exit doors popped open and several three-man shooter teams rolled up with heavy heat. “We’re a lone gunman!” they all shouted as they unloaded 5.56 ammo directly into my face. “Don’t report a three-man shooter team to the police, that really messes up the narrative! We’re just one white guy!” they repeated, as they reloaded and fired into my face again and again, spaghetti and sauce shooting from my ruined sinus cavity as heavy rounds tore through my skull. A few rounds even sliced through my guts and interacted with the refreshing diet beverage I’d been drinking just like they were Mentos, and the ensuing chemical reaction caused the Diet Garbage Juice to erupt from my bullet-riddled tubing like some kind of science experiment gone awry. My jaw shook convulsively as my teeth were pulverized and I think they imagined I was talking back, and that really pissed them off. Chunks of wet meatloaf flew from my bullet-battered skull as CIA and Mossad concentrated their firepower, living in absolute terror that their victim would not be one hundred percent on board with their dumb plans for world domination.

But it wasn’t all bad. I was just happy that Joker literally mentioned SOCIETY at the end!!!

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A Mythological Breakdown of Panos Cosmatos’ Film MANDY

by Kyle B. Stiff

“Black Skulls, Jesus Freaks, and Weird Hippie-types, Man! Crazy Evil!”

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MANDY depicts a mythological “war in the heavens” as seen through the highly creative lense of a lurid, high-contrast revenge film. Specifically, I think it’s a continuation of the story of Saturn’s fall at the hands of Jupiter, and Saturn’s subsequent encounter with the Gnostic resurgence that sprang out of the relatively recent discovery of the Nag Hammadi codex. In short…

RED (Nicholas Cage) is SATURN and MANDY is URANIA, muse and daughter of JUPITER

In the original Saturn myth, Saturn was either a brutal tyrant or the god-king of a golden age of plenty, depending on who you ask. In any case, there was a prophecy that he would be overthrown by his own children. In order to prevent such a future, he made a habit of eating his newborn children. His wife Rhea had enough of this, so she switched out one of her newborn babies (Jupiter) with a rock, which Saturn ate. That may sound strange, but then again, the actual planet Saturn does a great job of consuming or redirecting stray meteoroids on a regular basis, which helps us out a great deal. Anyway, Jupiter grew up to be a real badass, raised an army, attacked his father, pulled his siblings out of Saturn’s belly, then they all took turns beating the crap out of him. Jupiter and his siblings divided the universe among themselves, and Saturn was cast out of the heavens.

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In MANDY, our story begins with Red, an avatar or incarnation of Saturn, now laboring like a common man after his fall from grace. Saturn is a god of harvest, but also a god of limitations, of “cutting things short”, so chopping down trees is an appropriate job for his human incarnation. We see him turn down an offer of booze. In fact, before he met Mandy, he was just another one of those drunk, broken men who seem so common these days. He has also given up politics entirely, a sign that he has given up hope of ever regaining his lost throne. This is evidenced by the fact that he turns off Reagan’s speech on the radio; any other normal person, upon hearing the voice of the Great One, would have slammed on the brakes, gotten out of their vehicle, and done backflips with tears in their eyes. But not Red. He is living a simple life full of simple joys.

What makes such a life possible? Why did he not drink himself to death?

I believe Jupiter felt sorry for his father, and gave him one of his own daughters in marriage. Mandy is undoubtedly an avatar or incarnation of Urania, the muse of astronomy. As a muse, her thoughts are always in the clouds, focusing on her artwork, her stories, her dreams, and her curiosity about the planets (of course Jupiter is her favorite, since he made her). Red is in awe of Mandy. Since his powers are destructive, he can hardly understand how she makes such wonderful pictures. He looks at her as if she is a wonderful and unknowable enigma, and who can fault him for that?

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Also note that when they discuss their favorite planets, Red claims that he likes Galactus the best – because Galactus eats planets, just as Red did back when he sat on the throne as Saturn!

Before we continue, you have to understand that I’m going to be indiscriminate with the spoilers. If you haven’t seen MANDY yet, then please stop reading this dumb blog and check it out. Otherwise, let’s continue.

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So Red and Mandy live in a happy bubble together, but Red’s intuition about a looming threat is ignored and Mandy is murdered. Red is even crucified (twice!), with a nail in one hand, a “crown of thorns” placed on his head (or barbed wire wrapped around his mouth, in this instance), and he is stabbed in the side by a hell-blade just as Christ was stabbed in the side by the Lance of Longinus.

Red survives, and he ends his self-imposed limitations. He opens up a bottle of booze while screaming in rage and drinks in his underwear like some kind of freak. He retrieves an old weapon, a crossbow named the Reaper – another name for the god Saturn – and then he even forges a hand-to-hand weapon. His Saturnian nature is back, because his new weapon looks like a sickle on steroids. The sickle, the scythe, and the crescent are all symbols of Saturn, for he is the Grim Reaper who knows the limit of life and marks the death of all living things. It’s interesting to note that the Book of Revelations (from the Christian Bible) has an angel who is given authority to harvest what are often referred to as the “grapes of wrath”. He sits and waits with his scythe, then when he gets the green light, he goes to work harvesting souls in an incredible bloodbath. It’s worth noting that Communism and Islam, two of the worst things that have ever happened to the human species, both use moon-shaped sickles or crescents as their symbols, which is appropriate given their unbelievable body count.

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But who is responsible for putting Red on this blood-soaked path of revenge? Who could have killed poor Mandy?!

The Children of the New Dawn are the culprits. Jesus freaks! Or… are they Jesus freaks? Actually, they are…

Gnostic Heretics!!!

It would make sense for a movie coming out of Hollywood to depict an innocent woman in a pentagram t-shirt being kidnapped and murdered by evil Christians. If that was the case, I might see this film being a revenge story in which pagan gods band together against Christianity. However, I don’t think the cult of Jeremiah Sands represents actual Christianity, based on a few key pieces of evidence.

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Jeremiah’s intense beta and right-hand man, Brother Swan, uses an infernal device known as the Horn of Abraxas to summon the Black Skull gang. Abraxas is a chicken-headed god revered by Gnostics. He is sort of a Prime Archon, the god-being behind the creation of all other worlds. I used to be really interested in Gnosticism; anyone with a brain wired for conspiracy theory and spotting patterns can’t help but put time into researching a religion supposedly made up of the unconventional books kept out of the “mainstream” Bible. But they are heretics, calling evil good and good evil, with a bizarre creation story and alternate versions of the Gospels. There was no evil conspiracy to keep Gnostic books out of the Bible, they just don’t fit. Deepak Chopra may as well get in if we’re going to allow the Gnostics into the Bible.

Another point that the Children of the New Dawn aren’t necessarily true Bible-thumping bogeymen: Jeremiah turns Red into a martyr, then gloats over him by explaining the “problem” with Jesus – that he didn’t get someone else to do his suffering for him. This is clear-cut blasphemy, even from the perspective of a Protestant!

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In fact, our Gnostics cultists sound like characters pulled straight out of the 80s “Satanic Panic”, when it seemed like children all over America were falling into the hands of demon-worshipping pedophiles. That whole era has been brushed off as a case of mass hysteria, but it is interesting to note that Teal Swan, the world’s most hated New Age guru, says that real Satanists always pretend to be Christians, and even have their own churches. But, speaking of New Age, there’s a little of that in Jeremiah’s cult, too. When he’s trying to psychologically break Mandy, he mentions that we are all one, which is pretty much the cornerstone of New Age philosophy (aliens are obsessed with drilling this idea into abductees). It even starts to work a little bit, as Jeremiah’s words and charisma work in tandem with the Chemist’s LSD and Mandy starts to see her own face superimposed on Jeremiah’s. If we are all one, then why not live as if life is a “beautiful dream” (a phrase used by the young female cultist, can’t remember her name) and live to take care of Jeremiah’s narcissistic desire for attention? He outlines his entire philosophy, how God told him that everything is all one, and thus, everything is his for the taking. A pretty convincing argument for a self-involved blowhard. But Mandy retains control over her sense of self (that pesky individual ego that all New Agers are constantly disparaging) and she laughs at Jeremiah. He’s not good enough to be anywhere near her. He can’t handle not being taken seriously, and like a true narcissist he runs to the only god he believes in – that beautiful face in the mirror! The unbelievably handsome man on the other side of the mirror tells him to never, ever doubt himself. Can you imagine the tortured sense of loneliness that must come from being a narcissist who thinks everything in the world exists only to amuse them? And the frustration they must feel when someone doesn’t perform the role the narcissist has assigned to them?

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It’s also worth noting that Jeremiah’s puffy white robe is reminiscent of the robe worn by the founder of the Raelians, a UFO cult known for gathering beautiful women who can “take care of” Rael, the leader of the cult. There’s even a pic of some of Rael’s “angels” licking cocksicles with him in the background, slobbering and looking like he can’t believe how lucky he is to be the leader of a cult. Jeremiah Sands is in a similar position, handing out religious platitudes to form a meaningful narrative around his own failed music career and the bottomless pit of horniness that makes up the life of a man.

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Jeremiah ends up forcing Mandy into a bag and executing her, just like in her story (her prophecy?) about the starlings. But he picked the wrong family to mess with. What happens next might seem like a clear case of Christians versus pagan gods, but again, I don’t think that’s the case. Despite Hollywood stories about Christians ruthlessly attacking pagans, in general the Church doesn’t compete with pagans. What do they do? Christians set up shop, they keep their hands off pagan holidays so nobody gets pissy, and then they create a cultural taboo around human sacrifice, which is a big deal in pagan religions that is never talked about. This creates a one-way pipeline into the Church. People often point to pagan roots of various Christian holy days and think it’s evidence of some kind of theft, but it’s actually proof that Christians were surprisingly *kind* to pagans; I say surprising because, given the string of violent encounters that make up historical accounts, and given Hollywood’s depiction of Christians as bullies, benign behavior is the last thing one would expect. There are, of course, exceptions. But the one-way pipeline into the Church is a real thing – until just a few years ago, nobody reverted back to paganism because nobody would willingly sacrifice a relative if there was a way out of it, and human sacrifice was a large part of pagan beliefs. It took me a long time and several history books to realize this, but that’s one of the big reasons why Christianity spread so quickly; not because “crusaders” fought every pagan they came across (get real), but because beating Uncle Jojo’s head in with a mallet is about the last thing anybody wants to do. If eating a piece of bread and saying it’s the body of a god-man who died for you so you don’t have to die for him means you can stop sacrificing dudes to invisible demons who like to ruin crops, people will do it.

Anyway, in order for the Children of the New Dawn to carry out their assault on Red and Mandy, they have to call in some muscle. They can’t do it themselves, as they mostly like laying around, watching tv, doing drugs, and having sex with each other. They’re hedonists, not fighters. That’s why they summon the infernal enforcers known as…

The Black Skulls

The Horn of Abraxas summons the Black Skulls. Just what in the hell are these weird, inhuman, demon-possessed bikers?!

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If we watch MANDY without the influence of Black Rainbow, we might imagine that the Chemist accidentally or purposefully gave the Black Skulls some bad LSD, fried their brains, and turned them into violent murder-junkies. The guy from Predator strongly implies that this is the case. However, I don’t think the Chemist had anything to do with their origin. If not the Chemist, then who created them? Or… who summoned them originally???

I believe these psycho bikers had their humanity erased by the same process that stripped Barry Nyles from Beyond the Black Rainbow of his humanity. It’s safe to assume that MANDY and Black Rainbow take place within the same universe. I believe the same drug used by Dr. Arboria – a black pool that sends one across the Abyss – transformed the Skulls into their current form. Remember, when Barry Nyles (from Rainbow) heard the words of his handler’s handler in a phone call that was not meant for him, and he decided to stop pretending to be human, he wore black leather and removed all the appendages that made him appear normal. The Black Skulls also wear leather and are only vaguely human. If Barry had been a simpler man, perhaps an uneducated biker, his unfortunate trip into the Abyss might have turned him into a goon prone to short-term gain and violence, rather than give him a case of slow-burning sadism and a narcissistic split personality.

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So the Black Skull bikers were probably experiments abandoned by either Dr. Arboria or Barry Nyles. Or perhaps they escaped. In fact, they may hate their own existence more than anything else, and so they are always on the lookout for entrances into Dr. Arboria’s facility so they can kill their maker. Did you notice that the house the Black Skulls were squatting in inexplicably had a concrete-lined “bottomless pit” in the basement? Was this an entrance to the facility where Elena was kept? What about the dead man and woman in the bedroom? Were they employees of the Arboria Institute, living above the facility until they were found by the Black Skulls? The Skulls’ hatred of their creators would certainly explain why the man had been bum-fuggled to death by Knife Dong (note the blood stains around his tail pipe if you don’t believe me).

When the Black Skulls first roll up, the lights from their bikes almost look like a UFO is landing. Even the language used to describe the Skulls makes it sound as if they come from another world, thus tapping into the same dynamic often seen with aliens, demons, or Lovecraftian beings who simply should not be in our world. Note that Red and Mandy are afflicted with sleep paralysis when the bikers attack; inducing paralysis is always the first weapon employed by aliens, “shadow people”, or whatever it is that haunts our sleep. That’s a strange detail to add, isn’t it? Why not just show the bikers breaking windows, kicking down doors, and manhandling Red before he becomes a hero? The reason is because the mind of Cosmatos is tuned into contemporary myths concerning aliens, conspiracy, strange psychic powers – basically, the realm of the modern divine.

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This could also explain why they look like high-testosterone versions of the creatures from Hellraiser, the Cenobites, who are also interdimensional beings obsessed with pain. Note that a Cenobite was (historically) a type of monk, and there is something monk-like about the Skulls’ mortification and their lack of a normal sexual existence. One of them even has a knife for a dong (a what!!!), which is why I called him Knife Dong earlier (genius over here). Normal human bikers might experience a lot of hangovers and wrecks, but ultimately, they want to feel good, whether they’re partying or riding fast. But the Black Skulls have been bled dry of their humanity, and all that’s left are screaming demons riding around in leather meat-suits. To paraphrase the black guy from Predator, “When I seen them things, they were in a world of pain. But you know what the freakiest part is? They fuckin’ loved it.”

One more thought, and this comes out of “left” field. When Red verbally confronts one of these creatures, he calls it a “vicious snowflake”. It might sound odd, but when you consider that “snowflake” is a term used by the right against the sensitive left, you could draw a parallel between the Black Skulls and Antifa. Both are enforcers, both seem to be demon-possessed, and many people have made the claim that Antifa (or their organizers) are paid. The Black Skulls definitely don’t work for free. Whether paid or not, they fill the role of “useful idiots”, tools to be used and discarded. Antifa also makes sense in our scenario because Red, being the avatar of Saturn, represents one of mythology’s greatests tyrants, a paragon of fascism, thus making him the natural enemy of our infernal version of Antifa.

OR: Far-Right Demonstration Met By Antifa Protesters

Whatever the case, after Red overcomes the Black Skulls and proves he has what it takes to hunt down the Children of the New Dawn, he finally earns the assistance of an oracle.

The Chemist

As stated, I don’t think the Chemist gave four bikers some “bad acid” and turned them into murder-junkies. Since the Chemist seems far too well-meaning and empathic to ruin the lives of four humans, even on accident, I think that Dr. Arboria is the “chemist” that the black guy from Predator is referring to; totally plausible, since we already know Dr. Arboria has access to a magical goo leading to the abyss beyond all human understanding. The Chemist from this story, on the other hand, is a very powerful psychic with hippie ideals, and he lives for the goal of enhancing human evolution through acid, which is kind of the dream of every burn-out who can’t even find their own car keys. But, of course, the Chemist is no common burn-out. He is probably more of a living force of nature like Elena, godlike but only partly connected to our world. Red does not even need to speak to the Chemist, as he can already see into Red’s mind and spirit. This brings to mind the substance “telepathine”, either a key ingredient or an alternate name for ayahuasca.

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Note that he calls Red a “Jovan warrior” – a warrior of Jupiter. Despite Red’s favorite planet being Saturn, despite his weapons being a scythe and a crossbow called Reaper, he has now fully devoted himself to another person, a daughter of Jupiter. Red has crossed over the threshold of living only for himself, which is a miserable existence, and now lives for the love of another, which gives meaning to existence. This idea is a nonsensical paradox to libertarians, but sorry, guys, it’s just the general trend of every individual’s spiritual journey. At any rate, Red’s love for Mandy, and his rage at her loss, has turned him into a blood-soaked hero who cannot be stopped.

The Chemist probably became a highly sensitive psychic empath just like Elena from Beyond the Black Rainbow. That is, he joined the Arboria Institute, went into the black goo, crossed the Abyss, saw the face of God, and returned both more and less than he was before. He came back a decent and relatively “good” person, like Elena, and unlike Barry Nyles (also from Rainbow) and the Black Skull biker gang, who lost everything that was good in them and became meat-vehicles driven by demons.

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Note that the Chemist doesn’t seem to have any problem with keeping a tiger in a cage until he sees the situation from Red’s perspective. Once he sees the noble beast from our hero’s eyes, he frees Red’s spirit animal to mark the coming of justice. In this way he acts as an oracle, in that he can become empty and see things from another’s perspective. It’s empathy taken to an extreme. As an oracle, he clears up any confusion felt by the hero and straightens out the crooked path leading to the goal.

END.

The Reaper comes as Mandy foretold and in the end Red drives through a hellish red-lit world where strange planets loom overhead. He has brought justice through violence but, like Barry Nyle in Beyond the Black Rainbow, he ends up utterly alone, riding alongside someone who is not even there. Red sees an image of Mandy and smiles, remembering a time when he was lost and alone and without his throne, but she found him and changed him. Red is lost and alone once again, but now he has weapons, he has reclaimed his mantle of godhood by snatching it from Jeremiah Sands (remember his strange insistence on his own godhood?), and he has a hopelessly fractured soul that will likely never be pieced back together again. MANDY’s ending is the bleakest I have seen in a long time.

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Beyond the Black Rainbow was set in synthetic corridors and ended in the wilderness, while Mandy begins in the wilderness and ends in an alien landscape echoing with the revving engine of a fallen god. I can’t help but wonder if Panos Cosmatos will revisit that strange world and pick up on that note of intense loneliness where Mandy dropped the viewer off without any real promise of return.

As I’ve often said on this blog, I don’t think that my Saturn-Urania-Gnostic narrative was consciously planned by director Panos Cosmatos. He’s said that story is the least important part of film. Then again, does any artist ever really understand the full picture of what their muses give them? Forces and beings beyond our understanding rampage through the collective human psyche. Atheism no longer carries any weight in its arguments, it simply asserts its own unobservant nature. The ancient gods are alive and well, and our age is the result of a war in the heavens spoken of in the Book of Revelation.

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What, you don’t think the gods are real? Panos Cosmatos gives us a glimpse into that timeless conflict, which with a little practice can be turned into They Live glasses that present our own age from an ancient perspective in realtime as it happens. I can’t help but remember when Obama was first elected, how the media blew him up, with magazine covers depicting him as a multi-armed Hindu god or as Superman. Then, during KEK’s rebellion, Trump bypassed the mainstream media, and grassroots memes flooded the internet village square like a Biblical plague of frogs. Trump promises a Jovian storm as the sickle of Islam rises over Europe just after ISIS (the same name as the Egyptian goddess) is crushed underfoot. China erects a giant statue of Guan Yu, their god of war, and the Pope’s audience chamber in Vatican City is constructed to look like a demonic serpent, complete with a background of Christ writhing in agony in hell. The magical cauldron of CERN has a symbol of three sixes intertwined and more than one conspiracy theorist has noticed that Israel’s symbol is a star with six points, six triangles, and a six-sided hexagon, indicative of the Beast of endtimes prophecy whose name is 666. It’s easy to make fun of Alex Jones ripping off his shirt and screaming about gay frogs, but without him, the idea that the leaders of the West actually dress in robes and worship a statue of Molloch in the woods would have seemed completely unbelievable. An unashamed Christian known as Q has pointed us to a mind-blowing number of sealed indictments that may one day be unsealed like the scrolls of Revelation, talking in all seriousness about an evil cult even as billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein buries the tunnels leading to his bizarre temple on Little Saint James or “Pedophile Island”. I haven’t even mentioned the black Saturnian cubes, or maybe Metatron’s Cubes, that sit in front of a surprising number of public spaces all around the world, and not just the Kaaba of Mecca.

We live in a world where everything that we have made first came from our minds, and we only vaguely understand our own minds. Even if the gods only dwell there, they still have an inordinate amount of influence over everything we do. The presence of the gods is so obvious, their conflicts so apparent once the eyes are open, that you only have to look a little ways beneath the surface of things to see their subtle wars echoing throughout our lives.

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Left and Right Working Together?

I was watching Daredevil last night and I had this idea about politics, and it’s not super well-thought out but I thought I’d run it by you guys. The idea is that conservatives and liberals both have their own spheres of expertise, and arguments happen when they overstep their boundaries and get in each other’s way. I had this idea of nations (or even villages or whatever) as a soft center with a hard defensive ring around it.

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A liberal’s sphere would be the soft center. The liberal makes sure the village (or whatever) is nice to be in. Everybody has a good time, life isn’t extremely unfair, people have rights, there’s public works and projects you can put money into, artists get looked after, the old and the weak are taken care of, stuff like that. A conservative’s sphere would be the hard outer ring, and their job would be to defend the soft center. Being hardasses, sending out warnings to outsiders who get too close, making judgment calls on who should be killed or detained, deciding how raids should be carried out, questioning ideas or plans made by people outside the ring who want to come inside the ring, enforcing rules with the right amount of severity so that the group is protected, that would be their area.

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Both groups are perfectly suited for their areas, and totally unsuited for the other’s area. A liberal working in the outer defensive ring would let their empathy run away with them and let outsiders do what they want to the outer ring, thus endangering the entire village. A conservative who dicks around in the soft center would start trying to “lay down the law” on shit he has no idea about, like reproductive systems, Dungeons and Dragons, who’s bangin’ who in an unorthodox manner, what music people can listen to, and pretty soon the soft center would become hellish and unfit to live in.

I think this might be a good system because no one “side” has to beat the other “side”. As it is now, liberals and conservatives are in a desperate deathmatch, but it’s like an MMA fighter against a WWF wrestler in a rap battle. They’re thinking and acting using completely different sets of rules because they see the world in completely different ways. No side can ever “beat” the other side; the only thing they can do is ramp up the intensity of the argument and make things uncomfortable for someone like me. Of course, in order for an idea like this to work, people with opposing views (actually, opposing brain types, I think) would have to be able to chill out and see the value of the opposing side. That doesn’t mean you have to “give in” to the other side, you don’t even have to agree that they might be right, you just have to see their potential value to the tribe.

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Like I was saying, I was watching Daredevil (beginning of season 2 so, SPOILER ALERT and also DON’T SPOIL IT FOR ME) and saw the incredible second battle between Daredevil and the Punisher which is followed by a great argument that made me extremely uncomfortable but was so inspiring. Of course the whole thing is Daredevil’s “don’t kill people” philosophy versus Punisher’s “kill bad people so they don’t kill good people” philosophy. Punisher said something incredibly insightful: “You don’t get to pick what makes you whole.” Bam! Right there. It doesn’t matter how much Daredevil argues with him, or how sane and rational he thinks he is, in the end, the Punisher is made for living in the outer defensive ring of the village. He won’t feel alive unless he knows he’s protecting the soft center though incredible acts of unbelievable violence. The series does a great job of showing how disturbing the Punisher’s life is, with crime scene photos of mutilated bodies covered in gore, which is also counterbalanced by seeing criminals running and hiding and fearing for their life (loved seeing that one guy shit his pants when he realized the Punisher really was going to walk into a hospital with a shotgun and blast him – there was nowhere he could hide).

Daredevil made some good arguments too, though – as long as you live in the soft center. There is always good in people, and you have to trust your species and see the good in them. Everyone deserves a chance. Of course, his argument is a little awkward, because he’s fighting crime but not killing anyone, which only makes sense if you have superpowers (most people don’t), and doesn’t really work on the outer defensive ring.

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Oh yeah, I also thought this might be a good system to work within just in case of alien invasion, which I think is inevitable. And yes I mean the UFOs from Mars variety (“They said alien and Vasquez thought they said illegal alien…”). It would be better if our different brain types (in this case, liberal and conservative) each knew their appropriate area so that we could work better together against alien invasion, rather than let aliens play both sides against the other while they divide our resources among themselves. I see people having meltdowns now, but in the future, every living person will live deep underground and they’ll look at old photos of us strutting around on the surface of the planet, and while they work on assembly lines to make laser rifles and mini-nukes they will wish that they could have lived in our time – yes, the very time that everyone is currently complaining about. They will wonder what everyone was bitching and moaning about because they will be worried about creatures burrowing down from the surface and possibly attacking one of the child care centers, which is the worst possible scenario for any underground bunker city.

A VR Sim for Those Who Think that Politics Is Real

Game developers should make a virtual reality simulation for people who enjoy the endorphin rush of outrage.

The simulation would have to be so engaging that it draws everybody deeply entrenched in the cult of politics out of everybody else’s way. Imagine if facebook or twitter were filled with people living unique lives with interesting perspectives! Instead, both forums are a series of endless arguments and troll-wars and preachy moralizing between the two most bottom-of-the-barrel, played out perspectives that ever simplified the unimaginably complex human narrative: the old liberal versus conservative paradigm. What a shame!

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VR Sim: Politics Is Real would be a two-disc set, with one set of games for liberals and another set for conservatives. Pick your poison! There would be many games on each disc. Here are some game ideas, in no particular order.

For liberals, a game called RE-EDUCATION CAMP. The point of this game would be to find people who are not one hundred percent on board with a futuristic utopian society and put them in re-education camps. The guests at the camps must be turned into good human beings through hard labor, food restriction, and challenging indoctrination mini-games.

For conservatives, a war sim called CALL OF JESUS: MODERN WARGOD. This highly popular game would be a perfect way to get ultra-conservatives from the world’s most annoying religions – Christianity, Islam, and Judaism – and stick them in a world where they can kill one another over and over and over again while leaving everybody else free to relax and read a book or take a dog on a walk.

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For liberals, a game called ESCAPE FROM KITCHEN. In this game, a female protagonist has been chained to an oven by an evil husband who guards the exit. The player will have to use their wits to avoid making her captor anything to eat, thus starving him to death while avoiding starvation herself. Once the cell phone item has been found, the player will be able to eat food by downloading it from Pinterest photos. Other bonus power-ups: college diploma, CEO suit, and abortion machine.

For conservatives, a game called DON’T BE GAY. The point of this game would be to navigate a labyrinth full of homoerotic imagery and tantalizingly forbidden sights, but still make the choice to be a straight man. Successfully getting through the labyrinth would require you to move away from monsters that look like physically fit, scantily clad young men, and yet somehow not have sex with them. Occasionally the player would find an “assault rifle” power-up that would allow them to rack up points by shooting homosexuals, sort of like when Pac-Man ate a magical bean or whatever and was able to eat ghosts for a limited time.

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For liberals, a game called FANTASTIC RACIST VOYAGE. In this game, racism has nearly been eradicated, but a few molecules of racism still exist deep inside one single human being. Players are shrunk down and injected into the body of this individual, and they must cooperate to hunt down the last few molecules of racism and blast them before they can grow into racism-cancer and spread from host to host, once again turning humanity into a bunch of shitty, awful racists. The player will only have about five minutes to hunt down this facet of humanity that has slowly formed over hundreds of thousands of years, so it will be a really pulse-pounding race against time.

For conservatives, a game called FRATERNAL ORDER OF THE BROTHERHOOD. In this game you enroll in a fraternity and engage in a series of drinking games while avoiding taking any classes or learning anything about the knowledge your species has accumulated over thousands of years. At the end of the game you become so inebriated that you can barely even see the family business you inherit.

For liberals, a game called LOVE-COP. “Part man, part liberal, all cop,” is the tagline. In this game, the player would be a police officer patrolling a dangerous neighborhood armed only with hugs and good intentions. I’m sort of drawing a blank on this one… other than crawling into a sewer drain and waiting until your shift is over, I’m not sure how the player would survive. Ultimately I think the game would turn into a shooter, but with little hearts rather than bullets taking down violent perpetrators.

For conservatives, a game called ALWAYS A REBEL (SOMETIMES). In this game, every stage begins with a rousing quote from the freedom-loving founding fathers. The player will be filled with a sense that they should fight to pursue happiness based on their individual will. But then the gameplay will juxtapose that with a grueling level-grinding system in places like military bases, corporate offices, and churches. The classic gameplay design “A jumps, B shoots” will be replaced with “A means ‘yes sir!’ and B proudly tows the line.” How much of a rules-obeying lickspittle can you be for your corporate masters? Are you willing to defend freedom and human dignity by shining your military officer’s shoes like a good boy? Gameplay will do another 180 during boss-fights against pacifists, hippies, people from technologically undeveloped nations unlucky enough to be sitting on valuable resources, and women who ruin football season by speaking out against wealthy rapist athletes. In those instances, players will have to ruthlessly smash any opposition by generally being a shitty person.

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For liberals, a game called GENDERFLUX. Since gender isn’t based on biology, but on social conditioning, players will have to give a child the freedom to choose their own gender by indoctrinating them into believing they are a different gender than they appear to be. Keeping toy guns and cars away from boys, and dolls and cooking sets and anything pink away from girls, is a must in this Super Mario-inspired run-and-jump game that shows you how shitty you are for assuming Mario is a man and the Princess is a woman.

For conservatives, a military shooter with the challenge rating turned all the way down. The player is a soldier equipped with modern weapons and dozens of heavily equipped allies, and even tanks and helicopters, in an endless war against outnumbered enemies equipped with Stone Age weapons or a few shoddy firearms cobbled together during the Cold War. If the player ever feels the least bit challenged, he can call in an airstrike from a stealth bomber flying so fast and so far above the playing field that the enemy cannot even target them. All boss fights are merely accidental friendly fire incidents due to some levels being so choked by friendly units. Every stage begins with a briefing given by a military commander who has an extreme right-wing Israeli politician whispering in his ear.

For liberals, a game called EVERY CULTURE IS GREAT EXCEPT YOURS. A game inspired by Civilization in which players don’t manage their own civilization, but everyone else’s. Players will work hard to promote and cultivate computer-controlled opponents who gratefully accept resources and charity workers. Players will have to ignore the advancements of their own civilization with a series of eye-rolling and head-shaking as they accumulate Guilt Points. The player can gain Smug Self-Satisfaction points for ignoring or downplaying the atrocities committed by other civilizations.

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For conservatives, a game called ONLY AMERICA EXISTS. In this Civilization-inspired game, computer controlled opponents do not look like humans, but instead look like the resources they have. The player already begins the game with an incredible array of military units, but the challenge of turning the whole world into one giant red, white, and blue paradise comes from your own limp-wristed, gutless, whiny civilian populace, who have to be carefully managed. Getting resources won’t be easy. Instead of developing Achievements or Great Wonders, the player will have to develop a research tree that includes carefully controlled narratives, media manipulations, and Political Hero units who can say incredibly simple jingoistic phrases that will get people excited about stealing resources from other nations – or, rather, liberating foreign people from tyrants who oppose freedom and democracy.

The trailer for the liberal set of games would show a group of Democratic politicians hugging each other and petting a group of deer peacefully making their way through the senate building. “Let’s pass a bill that will create world peace and end hunger and equalize equality equally everywhere!” one of the peaceful Democrats would say. Then a terrible shadow would fill the room and a Republican with glowing red eyes would say, “I’LL GO ALONG WITH THAT… BUT ONLY IF WE EDIT THE BILL, EVER SO SLIGHTLY, TO INCLUDE DEATH CAMPS FOR ALL POOR PEOPLE AND MINORITIES! HA HA HAAAA!!!”

Well dear reader, the flow of ideas has suddenly ended, so I’ll end this here. If you hated this, please let me know.