A Child Molestor for a Hero

By Kyle B. Stiff

I’ve been doing some research on ritual abuse and I’ve been noticing the very human tendency to cover up this sort of thing, not for fear of being associated with it and going to prison, but merely because it is disturbing. The hardest thing to deal with in the accounts of the victims is the inevitable part of the story where normal people who aren’t even associated with the abuse either ignore what is happening or actively try to silence the victim. Hearing this kind of crap has reminded me of being a kid and dealing with adults who I always saw as “weak” or hopelessly naive.


I didn’t know it at the time, but I always had really intense insight into people when I was a child. It’s common for a kid to think they’re more knowledgable than adults – that’s like the curse of childhood, a terminal case of overestimating your own abilities, right? But in my case, I really could see through people. I always had my own estimation of people that existed outside of consensus opinion. This insight even kept me from getting molested! I remember there was a choir director in the church where I grew up. I knew he was a pedophile just by looking at him – and yes, I even knew what a pedophile was! I think my parents thought I was joking when I called him a pedophile, even though his kids walked around looking like shell-shocked victims of trauma. Anyway, one day this guy even had the balls to call my home, ask for me, and then he invited me to come over and play with his train set. I was used to obeying authority, but I told the guy I didn’t want to, and hung up on him. As far as I was concerned, I had dodged one hell of a bullet, and ran to tell my mom what had happened. You know what that little lady said to me? She said I should have gone to his house – I might have had fun!


The thing is, I think this is pretty typical of the way most people think. Maybe they’re completely out of touch with their own “shadow”, or they have to learn something before they can know something – but whatever the deal is with them, their defenses against monsters are weak because they can’t even imagine that monsters exist. It’s just so far outside of what they consider within the realm of possibilities. For me, I’ve always known that the world is a dark place. My psyche won’t shatter at the possibility that sometimes bad people pretend to be good people so they can rape children. You have to be rough to defend good people and good things!

But eventually I realized that other people can’t handle thinking of stuff like that. They aren’t psychologically built to walk in darkness for any length of time, so they avoid it entirely. I started looking down on adults when I was in my pre-teens because I saw them as weak, and I think I even turned into a bully because of that. Not an overt bully, of course, I wasn’t a mean-spirited little shit, but I definitely wanted the adults in my life to grow up a little bit. So what I did was… I started talking about a known child molestor who lived in our town. I talked about him all the time. I made jokes about him and acted like he was my hero. I even wrote stories about him! I can be sued if I give his real name, so let’s just say he was called Drankie Foul. He was kind of a character. Semi-retarded, extremely ugly, fat, lived in poverty, walked around town a lot, and went to church so he could look for victims. Drankie was a degenerate. He had raped some kids and spent a few years in prison, but was now a member of the community. I guess as far as they were concerned, raping kids was just a phase he had gone through, kind of like when a kid goes through a skateboarding phase!


I kept cracking jokes about him and getting other kids to laugh and talk about him because I knew the adults were way too pussy to stop me. Ultimately, I knew that if they called me out on always talking about Drankie Foul, I could play my ace card: I’m just a kid. But you’re an adult, and if you know this guy is a pedophile, why don’t you get a gun and go handle your business? Oh, you don’t want to do that? Then how about I just keep talking about Drankie all day, every day, as often as I want to?

Then again, maybe more people have “dark streaks” in their aura than we realize. You ever read an article about a child molestor and then check out the comments section? Lots of people want to kill child molestors! Even people in prison want to stomp perverts, they can’t stand to be around them! I’ve been hearing about pedophile rings being broken up recently, with lots of arrests being made. I hope it’s true. I hope it’s true because life is always better when good people focus their aggressive instincts like a laser rather than pretending that the dark spots on their soul don’t exist.


Kai the Hatchet-Wielding Homefree Hero

By Kyle B. Stiff

 The latest hero to grace America with his presence is a Canadian who calls himself KAI. How old is he? He can’t call it. Ask him where he’s from and he’ll answer with a lie followed by a funny face. He likes to surf and wander the earth and he’s not real big on working full-time. But if you run into trouble, he’s the dude you want at your back.

kai the hitch hiker

For the handful of you all who have never heard of him, and are possibly logging onto the internet for the very first time and stumbled onto this page and need to catch up really quick, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version of Kai: He was hitch-hiking around California and was picked up by a well-to-do psychopath. The psycho started bragging about raping a fourteen year old girl (which he paid to do), then told Kai that he was Jesus and could do anything, then plowed his vehicle into a black man. He got out and grabbed the nearest lady. This is what we in America call a rampage, and it was only beginning. Fortunately Kai keeps a hatchet handy. He grabbed his trusty weapon and bashed the psychopath three times in the head, thus ending a shit-storm. A local news person came along and filmed this:


Basically the guy’s a badass vigilante and possibly even a messiah whose symbolic work is all about ushering in the Age of Aquarius. The establishment has already tried to woo him. He didn’t react against it like an angry fucktard pushing an ideology in a vain attempt to cultivate a personality, but he also hasn’t gone along with it and become the sad and laughable icon of a reality TV show. Here he is in an interview with so-and-so. Note how he’s equal parts friendly and awkward.


And here’s another interview where we learn a little about the dark stuff that scarred him early on. He could have become a violent goon or a manipulative little shit with a chip on his shoulder; instead, he became a hero. Damn, what a dude!


There’s things about Kai that make a lot of Americans uncomfortable. A conservative might respect the fact that he dispatched a psychopath with a hatchet, but Kai readily admits that he’s “jacked hella shit” from Wal-Mart and Target – which is a big no-no for hard-workin’ Americans who believe that a trip to Wal-Mart or Target is a reward for forty hours of hard labor every week. Kai’s hair is long and his philosophy on self-love and tolerating others sounds way too much like something Christ would say, and Christian conservatives hate that hippy shit. Not that he’s some liberal posterboy, either: Kai saw a psychopath laughing as he plowed his car into someone, and instead of calling the police and waiting for them to show up forty-five minutes into the massacre, Kai pulled out a hatchet and took out the trash on his own. (Then again, the psychopath wasn’t using a gun, so it’s not like the incident could be used politically – whoops, I went there!) Also, Kai’s speech and mannerisms show that he doesn’t give a shit about looking intelligent or educated or even especially civilized. One video even shows him talking about a theory concerning how the earth’s molten center is somehow analogous to a battery; you won’t find that in any textbook, and liberals hate fringe theories. So he’s rough as hell around the edges. Most characters that we see on TV are usually tailored to appeal to one of the two camps into which America has been divided, but Kai is a blast of fresh air; he doesn’t fit on any grayscale spectrum.

Not that I’m on some moral high horse looking down on “normal” people that don’t “get” Kai. This heroic dude would have little to do with me in real life. I’m chained to my computer most of the day, I worry about money, my little home looks as if it’s been built around a TV which looks no different from an altar of religious devotion, and my poor Xbox has been rode hard an’ hung up wet, as they say. He would probably think that my morbid fascination with how he dealt with a psychopath is evidence of my own ghoulish character; I’m like a redneck mostly hemmed in by routine rather than a well-rounded person with the strength to relax and enjoy life.


Then again, maybe not! If we consult the opening text of the Book of Heroes, the first chapter in the Third Testament, it clearly says that King Kai’s first words to humanity at large were:

No matter what you done, you deserve respect. Even if you make mistakes, you’re loveable. And it doesn’t matter, your looks, skills, or age, your size, or anything – you’re worthwhile. No one can ever take that away from you.

Thanks, Kai! You’ve inspired me to take up the Hatchet of Truth. And if I get pinned between somethin’, I won’t move that shit (otherwise I’ll bleed out).


 Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.